Mini-Van Mega-Fun!

does she know?

2012-01-12T23:16:00.000-05:00

How much I hoped for her?

Is that why she is such a jolly little soul?

Does she know how she delights each one of us?

I think she does.

Happy nearly 10 months, Naomi April.

Soon she will figure out the what her place in the birth order is all about. This question then will be, Does she use it for good? or not so much good?

Time will tell. But for now, we enjoy every day of this toothy, happy grin.

year 6.

2012-01-12T11:25:00.000-05:00

Well then. Christmas and New Year celebrations came and went. I didn't blog about them.

Sometimes I don't really know what the purpose of this site is anymore. I am not saying that it doesn't serve some type of function, I've just been re-evaluating what those purposes may be.

When I started blogging back in 2006, it was kind of the latest and greatest method of communication and networking. Blogs were popping up left and right of people I knew, people I didn't -- and everything in between.   It was before the Facebook explosion.

Back then I blogged our happenings, my opinions, and sometimes my inspirations.   Honest to goodness I never thought it would turn into anything but another thing I started, only to fizzle out a few months later.   That wasn't the case, though.    I started to enjoy recording our MiniVan existence.   I loved being able to bring thoughts and experiences out of my head and onto paper. When April died this blog became an outlet for my thoughts and feelings while I grieved. It was immensely helpful to let it out. Each post I prayed God would use. Use it to help me heal, or perhaps open an eye or a heart to the realities of pregnancy loss.

After thinking and wondering if I should start a new blog year (year 6 of this ol' thing), I've decided to keep the engine running on Mini-Van, Mega-Fun.   And to keep it interesting?? How about I share a little more about myself (I know, you are thinking... what's left to tell?)   Hopefully I can come up with something(s).

Awhile back, a fellow blogger and Angel Mommy gave me a shout out with this:

So the way this award works is that those awarded tell 7 things about themselves that others may not know. Then pass the award on to 15 (I'm only picking 7) other bloggers that you want yourself and others to know more about!

Seven things you may not know about me:

1. I have never watched any Star Wars movies.   In fact, movies are not my bag.
Give me a good television series though.

2. Sometimes I wonder if I am a closeted Liberal...

3. I desperately want to grow up and be a "real mom" You know, the kind who gets up before    her kids and has done 2 loads of laundry and made supper before 7am.

4. In my early days (pre-Dan) I was a smoker.   My love for him and his disgust for the smell allowed me to quit pretty much cold turkey.

5. I intensely daydream.    Actually, it is more of nightdream.   Most evenings before I finally fall asleep I have written the best blog posts, mapped out our future and solved my own and others' problems-- all in my head.    During this time I am convinced I will remember to follow through with it all the very next day, but rarely do.     If Dan only knew the magic that's occurring in my thoughts as he snores happily away!

6. When it comes to oddities of the physical variety, hello, I'm your girl. I have had braces two times in my life, major jaw surgery, and had 5 wisdom teeth removed. I also have one leg longer than the other (by a touch), but it gives me a slight limp. I have a lisp and huge feet.    It's a wonder Dan married me ;)

7.   Things that excite me.
being home a lot
buying inexpensive antiques
coffee & doughnuts. together.   probably the best combination ever created.
God's church!!    worship, service, community, learning, outreach.

And now the Bloggers I would like to nominate for the "Tell Me About Yourself Award...Your Blog is GREAT" are...    ( I know these gals pretty well, so I am looking forward to learning something new)

Sonny @ The Church Lady (On Sabbatical)

Sarah @ Moments Like This

Jamie @ MiniMe Mom

Cara @ Boys, Boys, and More Boys

Natalie @ Nat's News

Laurie @ Guikema Gang

New Year Dawning.

2011-12-29T14:05:00.001-05:00

Good-Bye 2011.
Welcome 2012!

6 out of the 7 of us wish you a Happy New Year!

One of us isn't so sure.
(She'll get there ) :)

The sun comes up
Its a new day dawning
Its time to sing your song again
What ever may pass and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes

Bless the lord oh my soul
Oh my soul
Worship his holy name
Sing like never before
Oh my soul
I worship your holy name

10,000 Reasons-- Matt Redman

Let me Hold you Longer.

2011-12-15T15:31:00.000-05:00

Recently, my Mom gifted me a book.

It looks like a child's book, all big and square with a book jacket. In actuality it is a book just written for an oldish mom like me.

The book is titled
Let Me Hold You Longer
By Karen Kingsbury

If you don't mind too much, I've a little heart outpouring to do... yet again.

Let me Hold You Longer tells the story of a mother who wishes she had recorded "the lasts"

We mothers take special note of the firsts that our children achieve. But do we always notice the lasts with such sentimentality? I can't say that I did. Until now, that is.

The older Naomi gets the farther away I step from what I adore.

Babyhood.

It's that precious stage from conception to oh, about one year old. Or whenever they start walking. (whichever comes first)

It's crazy isn't it? My baby is 8 months old and I feel like she just turned 18.
Yes, slightly cRaZy.     But each month it hits me.   This is the last time.
This is the last time.

Since I felt the ache of losing April and never knowing her firsts,   it is fair to say that I am savoring every bit of Naomi's firsts.   But her lasts keep piling up, as I hold her tighter than I might have had I not known loss.

What I try to take away from all of this firsts and lasts business are these things:

Although it is extreme blessing to record the firsts, experiencing the lasts is really what my heart desires. To see them grow, to watch them mature and learn, live and love.
All of my (our) children are gifts from a loving God. And not just in babyhood.
They are the gift that keeps on giving all throughout my life.   I can bid sad farewell to each passing month and year, or I can relish the full life that they are living. I can record their lasts because perhaps it means more firsts are on the horizon.

In my last post I had been asking myself the question, "Now what I do?"

Recently I've struggled with things like working outside the home,    or the fact that I'm leaving the child bearing years, and even the insanity of moving to a small farm house. (that is a different post altogether)

As for the immediate, the answer is pretty clear.
Do. what I do.

Raise my family.

Notice their firsts and lasts and be grateful for each one.

Long ago you came to me,

a miracle of firsts.

First smiles and teeth and baby steps,

a sunbeam on the burst.

But one day you will move away

and leave me with your past.

And I will be left thinking of

a lifetime of your lasts. . .

from Let Me Hold You Longer

Get this book. an inspirational tear jerker.
Thanks for reading.
And Mom, Thank you for the book.

now what do I do?

2011-12-01T22:24:00.001-05:00

From this:

To this:

In 8 short months.

This baby.
Finding herself in more precarious positions as the weeks tick by.
Oh, how I love her.

She's not the only one asking the question, now what do I do?
So is her Momma.

I'll be exploring that in my next post.
How's that for a teaser?

I'm sure you can hardly wait
(insert sarcastic tone)

what is up.

2011-11-17T10:51:00.001-05:00

I interrupt these deep thoughts to offer up a pictorial update. We've had a crazy packed fall season and before 2011 wraps up I'd like to bring this blog up to speed on things other than my mental gymnastics.

September= Back to everything.

school, out of state work, soccer, extra-curriculars.

skating par-tay!

October.
I have to admit it. As a card carrying member of the anti-Autumn club, this particular Fall season has been fan-tab-u-lous! We had mild temperatures here in the Mitten all the way through well, yesterday. We have only a couple leaf giving trees in our yard, so the kids had a great time raking up the droppings of this special Maple that my Dad planted here 9 years ago.

My excellent score from the second hand shop----this vintage slipper chair.

October 15. Our second annual participation in the International Wave of Light.

It was good. I looked back on this post to think on a year ago.

Annual Pumpkin Decorating/Family dinner/ Birthday party

ArtPrize '11

Chase's costume scared(s) me.

Whatever happened to Thomas the Train?

Naomi and cousin Easton.

I have a special place in my heart for Easton's costume. When Chase was a baby, he was given this handmade little hunter's outfit. I saved and saved it for someday I had hoped to give it to my brother's son. I was so delighted to see how perfectly adorable Easton was in his Camo.

What precious gifts these to babes are!!!!

Girls shopping trip this year took us all the way to Washington DC. This pic is front of Betsy and Nick's new home in Takoma Park, MD. A gorgeous weekend spent catching up, shopping and relaxing on very.little.sleep :) It was good for me to get away again. I heart DC and the special loved ones that live there.

We missed you Lia & Sara !!!

That sums up some the doings this fall. As we enter the holiday season, I hope to blog about Mom and Dad's 40th anniversary celebration and the 30 Day Mom challenge... take two.

my Lil' Homemaker.

2011-11-03T22:27:00.003-04:00

Going...

Gone!

Homemaker.
Is this still considered a profession/occupation?

Yes. I suppose it is.
But not a paid one, so really nothing's changed in the last forever of housewifery. (yes, it's a word!)

I asked Chase what he would say my job is, if someone were to ask him.

He replied,

" Um, probably you take care of baby and clean.? "

Okay, true enough. He also says that I am the weirdest mom he knows, so that proves he is honest.

True as all of that is, he did however miss a lot of my purpose as a Wife, Mom, and someone who hasn't seen a Medicare or Social Security deduction since the year 2000.

The day to day, week to week of the same ol' same ol' has been my dream. come. true. You see, I always wanted to be a mother and make a home. I feel blessed to be given this opportunity in life and for the most part enjoy it very much.    That may sound strange in a society of many ~~over~~ great achievers.    Would anyone dare say that being a mom (who isn't working an outside job) doesn't contribute to the world?    Well, of course she is, right?    She contributes a functioning adult into society at the end of her tenure.

Allow me to stop a second for the sake if clarity. No one has ever made me feel like a lesser contributor, rather it is I who have allowed myself to think it. Sometimes I think I'm not doing enough, you know... in the real world.

In the last 11 years I have often lost sight of exactly what I am doing.  That was recently revealed to me in the moment I folded the colorful towels with my 3 year old.

I had lost the joy.

I wasn't finding a sense of accomplishment in tasks completed.   Somewhere along the line I no longer purposed to make a home. I just kind of slogged through the week in the hopes that somehow everyone had a full tummy and clean underwear.

I needed a booster shot.   Something to (re)open my eyes to my calling and to encourage my pursuits.
When I took a look at Juliet in these photos, my eyes are opened.

Her concentration,

her happiness,

the empty laundry basket.

Recently I've renewed affection for my purpose.

Yes, folding towels and chagning a diaper for the millioneth time
isn't glamorous.

But, it is life.

My life.

I have decided to start thinking about what being a homemaker, SAHM, whatever you want to call it, allows me.
It allows me time to drive my kids to school,
It allows me time to commune with my dear friends.
It frees my mind to ponder, and opens my eyes to see things I'm certain I would miss if I had a career, simply because I know I wouldn't make the time for those things.
It allows me the ability to Blog and create this journal of our lives.
It allows me to serve and think, and pray, and laugh.
... and much more...

Homemaking as my profession lets me be who God created me to be.

Every little thing that I do
(laundry most certainly included)
is for the Glory of the One who made me.

I need to remember that fact when I'm meal planning, bathtub scouring, and booger wiping.

P.S. ~~~ My thoughts expressed in this post are strictly my own and are written for the sake of record keeping and personal accountability. It is not my intent to persuade or judge, or force my views on anyone. This includes my daughter(s), who will most likely grow up to manage a career, home and family with beautiful ease,
and I will be so proud.

:-)

How's the grief?

2011-10-04T14:39:00.000-04:00

A friend of mine has recently asked me lately how I am doing.

My response to that question is usually one of the following:

"Not too bad..."
"Really great..."
"Busy..."
"Good, how about you?"

I knew though, that she was asking more than just a "how's it hanging?" kind of a question.
In fact she was deeply caring for me in asking me how I am.

The answer that came immediately to my mind was:

"It's complicated."

I was really blessed by her question, and it was certainly timely. This particular time of the year brings about thoughts of a life, created from love that would have been, could have been, but never was meant to be--
a one year old.

Following the many days of grieving and growing, hurting and healing that I lived the last year I am now one year distanced from that time period of profound sadness. At the time I knew not how to move forward, but forward movement was what I chose.    I wanted so badly to hurry past and through the pain of losing our baby. I desperately wanted to see what God had planned for us, I was in a rush to see His revelation.

So here, one year later I daily hold (probably too tightly at times) a bouncing 6 month old. Naomi is so full of life at this age. Smiley and communicative.   Beautiful and adored.    It would be dishonest to say that her birth hasn't helped the healing process.

It has.

In many ways.

I feel it every time I watch Naomi reach another milestone.

But, (isn't there always a but?) as I take stock of the last year and a half, I still feel a kind of void. There's still a yearning.   I imagine what my life would be with a one year old daughter right now, and if her eyes would have been green like mine.   I'm sure they would have been green. I imagine her taking her first steps and running around the back of church with the big kids. I daydream about reaching Heaven's door and seeing her, holding her as if she had never been lost.   These are the feelings I keep, and that is OK.   For me, (and I know others will differ) losing a baby isn't something that I can take a been there, done that type of attitude about.    Yes, it is a part of my past, but also my present and future.

Grief isn't a task I want to check off my to-do list.   It is part of me, it is part of almost anyone who has lost a dear loved one.

I realized recently that I tried to run so fast from that painful time, and now-- strange as it may seem-- I kind of long for it.   I don't wish for pain, for that seems silly. What I mean is, I miss the amazing closeness with family, community, and God that I experienced during those days.

I'm not sure if that answers my friend's question, but I sure am glad she asked. Anything that gives me the opportunity to think on April, is blessing to me.   That is how I feel connected to a baby I grew and held but never had the chance to raise.   My grief isn't the same as it once was, and that is good. My grieving takes new forms and different roads, and that is good too.

Good. Grief.

Miracles Happen.

2011-09-22T23:14:00.000-04:00

If you have followed or prayed for this precious life over the last few months,

please click on over and rejoice with so many at the
homecoming of baby Bird.

Psalm 71:5-8

New Living Translation (NLT)

5 O Lord, you alone are my hope.
      I’ve trusted you, O Lord, from childhood.
6 Yes, you have been with me from birth;
      from my mother’s womb you have cared for me.
      No wonder I am always praising you!
7 My life is an example to many,
      because you have been my strength and protection.
8 That is why I can never stop praising you;
      I declare your glory all day long.

Miracles happen.

O Perfect Love

2011-09-16T09:34:00.000-04:00

I remember paging through the white vinyl bound book when I was a young girl.
It had already showed signs of aging even though it was only 10 years old.   As I stared at the photos long enough somehow I felt transported to that day.

The day my parents were married. 40 years ago today.

I loved looking at her wedding gown, the 1970s fashion, the familiar and noticeably younger faces of loved ones that stood next to my blonde haired father and fresh faced mother. It was beyond interesting to think of my parents as a bride and groom and of a time before I came to be.   It felt special and comforting to me at that young age. It inspired hopes and dreams of one day being a bride myself.   Turning the pages of that album I knew not the reality of being a bride and becoming a wife.    Little did I understand that the wedding is a day, the marriage is a lifetime.

Now I understand as my own marriage is nearly 15 years in. Today we celebrate 40 years of God's faithfulness to a couple of 19 year olds, who made a commitment to love and to cherish.   My parents have a great story to tell. Stories of blessing, stories of struggle, stories of God's work and His guidance, when the path was unclear.    Isn't that what it is all about?   Going on faith and love into a future unknown?   Their union has inspired me all of my days to live and love as they have.   Give and serve as they do,   trust and find contentment in every circumstance.

I type with tear filled eyes at the wild blessings they are to us and so many others.

We Love You Mom and Dad!

Happy 40th Anniversary!

O perfect Love, all human thought transcending,
Lowly we kneel in prayer before Thy throne,
That theirs may be the love which knows no ending,
Whom Thou forevermore dost join in one.

this is the stuff

2011-09-01T22:54:00.000-04:00

I like things the way I like them.

Don't we all?

When you (or me in this case) are faced with something that's downright unlikable, what is the virtuous response?

I have spent the better part of two weeks getting way ahead of myself and working myself into a tizzy.   Yes, I just said tizzy.    Making something way too big in my life and letting it push most everything good out of the way.    The specifics of what that was I won't go into because that's not really important, and in the big picture of life--- it wasn't a huge problem.

That is precisely what irks me the most.   When did I dive into shallow waters again?   When or why did I start letting an irritation turn into an infected wound?

When our unborn baby died last year my eyes were opened to the significance (or the insignificance) of stresses in life.    What really matters, and frankly, what does not.     I welcomed that new perspective, considered it one of the results of enduring that painful loss.    In the recent past I've lost that perspective. So now, kicking myself (which incidentally I seem to be doing a lot lately) I need to grab it back.

What is important is what I am trying to learn from it. I have to record this lesson learned, or I am likely to forget it the next time things don't go my way.

My old method of coping:

Get upset.

Talk about it until I am blue in the face and people want to punch me.

Figure out how to ~~manipulate~~ change the situation

Perhaps cry, but that might be too soft and sensitive this early in the problem

Generally assume a bad attitude.

Resist acceptance.

New plan. When stuff drives me crazy I have the power of choice.

Looking anew at the debacle (and future difficulties) I find myself in,
I will choose to:

Stay calm.

Pray about it, asking God for clarity and direction.

Do not try to ~~change~~ manipulate the situation

Cry, if needed. A little crying is good for the heart.

Have patience.

Resolve to accept.

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use ---Fransecsa Battistelli

Mom's Last Ride (now with pics)

2011-08-22T00:36:00.002-04:00

A decade passed.
In a blink.
Or so it seems.

This past week we spent our days enjoying the lake of my childhood, and that of my Father'.
As we soaked in the sun's warmth my boys learned a few skills (water skiing) and overcame fears (un-hooking caught fish). Pretty good for an impromptu vacation, right?

A take away, if you will, from the week are the realities that swirled in my mind as I rode lap after lap around the lake on the wave runner.

"Mom, you wanna ride?" Chase asked everyday.

"You know I do!" I replied.

I "take him for a ride" on the wave runner because I am of age to drive it.   What really happens is he takes the reigns and follows the counter clockwise route.   I hold on to the back handles and enjoy the the passenger position.   Shhhh... don't tell the DNR!

Early in the week as we zipped through waves and pockets smooth as glass , I began to realize quite heavily that this is Chase's last summer before middle school ensues.   For me to think that he is not going to change is hopeful but perhaps a bit naive. Although his heart is kind and helpful, he is a 'Tween now.    'Tweens are an interesting breed, I hear.   In fact I can almost remember what it was like to be one.

~~shudder~~

That is how I know my position as his Mom will take on a bit of a different perspective to my budding young fella.

It was almost as if he was growing up before my very eyes--in those moments! I watched him maneuver the wave runner with skill and noticed him increase it's speed and daring as we passed by neighboring hooligans (that are older than he).    I even sensed the faint odor of smelly teen in his hair as I was back wind from his unwashed bed head.    What was happening?   I wanted to hit the red STOP button on that machine!! Pause the moment, keep him young and near me.

But, I cannot.

So, I kept quiet and let him grip the handle at full throttle, knowing I had a couple more days to enjoy him like this. And by Friday , our ride around iconic Payne Lake was extra sweet.   Not only did we have a good laugh when we ran out of gas, but the the wind no longer smelled of greasy hair because I had just made Chase wash up in the lake.    He is growing up,    but for now he might just need me in the passenger seat now and again.

I thank God for opening my eyes through our daily living!

Drew's magic fish un-hooking Glove! That thing changed his life!

Challenged

2011-08-13T12:10:00.002-04:00

I stumbled upon a website this week that posted a list of ways to intentionally love on your kids through a different method everyday,--for a month. It's the 30 Day Mom Challenge

I don't count it an accident that this came to me on the last month of summer. Being home all summer with my kids has been great overall-- but... (there is always a but)... The bickering, begging and bawling does get to me now and again. Sometimes I zone out from it all, try to hide out in my shower. That is my calm way of coping. The other (and less admirable way) of coping with the chaos of 5 kids, is yelling. Neither one of these methods is not particularly productive, nor do they give my kids what they are clammering for in the first place--- my positive attention and affirmation.

Enter the 30 Day Mom Challenge.

I will be the first to admit that I lack a certain sticktoitiveness that a 30 day challenge requires.   However, this is for my kids.   I want to make the last few weeks of summer break 2011, good weeks.   I don't want the last few weeks to be me at my wits end, resulting in they at their wits end.

Such lofty goals, I know.

I'd like to record the progress so I can look back fondly?? at this time and know if it made a difference in my home.   Enjoy, Mom. (since you are probably the only one still reading) :)

1.   One thing we can do together this month--   We decided to take a trip to the cemetery.   I know, kind of a dark outing, but the kids have been asking to go, and I will always, always, always take the opportunity to talk with them about April and remember that time in our family life.

2. Go the Whole Day without yelling at your children--   Well, they don't ease ya into it, do they? This was a difficult one, but knowing that was the challenge for the day I was quite mindful of my tone and volume.   I made it to bedtime and slipped.

3. Hug Your Child 3 times today--   15 hugs happily delivered.   A great one!

4. Kiss your Children when they are sleeping-- The Girls looked forward to it. They told me they would wake up when I kissed them.   They didn't.   The Boys were a little squirrely about it, but promptly asked me the next morning if I followed through with the challenge.

5. Tell yourself "He's Only ___ years old, still a child. Then, treat him that way-- I am not sure if I really performed this one.   But I am certainly more mindful of it now.

6. Today's Challenge-- Bake, Make or Buy them their favorite food-- This one is hilarious. I thought they would request homemade cookies or to go out for ice cream.    No.   They have thoughtfully requested "Fruit (and I use that term lightly) by the Foot" and "Gushers"    Gross. But I have to follow the rules they tell me.

More to come as the month moves forward...

Little Things.

2011-08-11T10:27:00.002-04:00

I have this plaque hanging near my kitchen sink:

It was a gift from my Mom last year and she knows me well.   One of the reasons I created this blog was to record things.   Things big, some small, at times humorous, others very heavy.    In the certain craziness that 5 children brings I have not been able to record as I wish I could.   I suppose their needs do have to come first, after all.

So, with shrinking free time on my hands it made perfect sense to start another blog, right?

Probably not. But my hope is that I can quickly pop in the things that inspire me.   Hardly a day passes that I don't notice something, feel a deep thought, or want to celebrate a thing or two.

As a result I'm starting a new effort to record Little Things.    Call them pieces of joy, or endless gifts, or beauty in the ordinary.   Little photos of things that bless me, inspire me, speak to me.   My hope is to be able to do this on a daily basis--- but don't hold me to that OK?

So here (again) I go...
if you'd like...click on over to Little Things

looking back on the summer that is !!

2011-08-09T23:07:00.000-04:00

Ok, I'm forcing myself to stop.
If I don't get our summer doings recorded in this virtual memory book, I will have to kick my actual self!

I'm making myself stop and take a look at all we've been able to experience this summer,

"the summer that IS"

You see, for me, 2010 was the "summer that wasn't."

That phrase originated 5 years ago when my sister was on bedrest awaiting the birth of her triplet daughters. She spent 7 weeks of summer 2006 incubating those 3 little blessings. Her summer wasn't the typical party having, sparkler waving, cottagey goodness that it usually was. It had a different purpose.

I can look back at my summer season 2010 and feel that tangled mess of grieving, living, and hoping. It was a summer that wasn't.

I am thankful, hard to fully express actually how full I feel this summer. Still somewhat tangled up, but truly seeing this season in a new light.

With 3 weeks to go yet, find below some snapshots of the the doings thus far.
Thanks for walking down both roads with me.

Lord God, I accept both from Your hand, pain and joy, accepting that in this world, they come together. Someday it will be only, always, joy — You whisper Your certain triumph with Jesus, and daily mercies, and Advent and Your comforting presence. And lilies blooming in winter. ---Ann Voskamp

You will have pain but your pain will turn to joy. (Jn 16:20)

The Curley Cone (FYI, they don't accept debit or credit) HAHA! (that one's for you small group)

Rack-O on a Rainy day. I'm not sure who's having more fun, Grandpa or Naomi

First boat ride for little "Nomi"

Cousins, reunited.

Birthday Buddies is their claim to fame.

Candy store golf cart rides were a 3 or 4 times daily occurence.

Dieleman/Wierenga Grandkids

Naomi and Easton :)

Fishing with Grandma, who incidentally hooks all the worms and un-hooks all the fish x4 kids!

She also plays a mean game of Twister! Love you, Mom!

a snapshot of life these days

2011-07-22T00:16:00.001-04:00

cottage vacations, baby crying, kids not listening to me, Pajamas all day,

...more to come.

Please Pray.

2011-07-12T12:29:00.000-04:00

Please Pray for baby Tessa. She will meet her family today.
Pray for lung function and health and life.
Pray for hope, courage, strength for her parents, brothers, grandparents.

Thank you so much.

streamline my space !!

2011-06-20T00:18:00.001-04:00

A year chock full of pregnancies, sorting through grief, husband working out of town, general kid busyness and much more has not really lent itself to keeping up on keeping organized!

What is a self proclaimed, pack ratty procrastinator to do?

Call Amanda at Streamlined Spaces!
And that is what I did.

When you (or me in this case) just can't seem to get started, that is where Amanda lights the fire.
She is a professional organizer who loves to come to your home, and working with you-- streamlines your spaces.

Before our session she asked me to think about a space in my home that bothered me.   Somewhere that just doesn't seem to work well.   I knew immediately that our bathroom closet was desperately in need of purging and reorganizing.   It had become a place to dump all things that I believed I had no other place for.

And so we began.   If you are like me you may be worried that she may come in and just dump all of your precious "treasures".   Do not fear.   She allowed me the process of deciding what I needed to keep and what was really not necessary to have in the closet or at all any more.   She was able to gently help me decide when I was stuck.   Really, did I need old beat up slippers and long expired laxatives? NO!

Once we got rolling I was really enjoying myself and the end result was made much more sense and was attractive to the eye as well.

Here are the before and after pics...

Before

During

After!!

It was really fabulous to finally make some progress in my home that has been a bit neglected.
Amanda can do the same for you. She is professional, purposeful, and punctual. This took less than two hours.

Here is her Facebook Page with all the details and information.

Click the photo below--

And there is more to come... I was so delighted that I had her return a few weeks later to help me dig out of a messy desk situation.

Please give her a call-- you won't be disappointed!

2 months + , say it ain't so!

2011-06-09T18:15:00.001-04:00

Since I heart. heart. HEART! the newborn stage, and generally the first year of our childrens lives-- each week that passes means our little one is getting older, and farther away from that precious phase.
Call me weird. I've been called worse.

I noticed the feeling when Naomi first grew out of the size 1 diapers. Then once more when she graduated to size 2 diapers. And this week when Amazon.com delivered a stash of Size 3. Well, forget it, I just don't like it.

Watching her smile, giggle and try so hard to get her hand to mouth I realize that she is growing up so very quickly. Faster than any of her siblings did. I don't know why because I am sure that time is spinning by at exactly the same rate as when Chase was a newborn, but somehow the weeks are flying by.

So today, instead of being sad about each milestone, each increased diaper size, I will celebrate it.
These things are worth celebrating --not being sad over.

she looks skeptical, but I am certain she is 2 months old (actually nearly 3 months now)

Naomi is wearing a sticker on her onesie-- I have one for each of the first 12 months.

Find them here

Just wanted to share more spring beauty from April's garden.

More later about this very special rosebush.

"He has made everything beautiful in His time" Eccl 3:11

first day/last day. with 178 in between

2011-06-08T07:32:00.001-04:00

They hate it, but i LOVE it !!
the forced smiles, the too close for comfort posing.
It seems to be a tradition to photograph my kids on the first and last day of school. Last year, I documented their school year with a before and after shot of their school shoes. This year I'll get their precious faces.

First day of school August 30, 2010

fresh, shiny and new.

Last day of school June 8, 2011 and lots of bed head.

(Juliet and Naomi were still asleep, thank goodness!)

I'm thankful and tearful today that a chapter has closed, that the kids will move forward, that we can celebrate a year of emotional lows and highs as a family.

Summer 2011.

Bring it.

Really. Thank you God, for bringing it.

captured the moment

2011-06-01T09:14:00.001-04:00

I received many precious keepsake gifts following the death of our unborn baby last spring. One of those gifts was a charm from our friend Jamie. I am sentimental and perhaps at times search for poignant moments, so you can imagine how my heart felt when I glanced down at Naomi while she was nursing and I noticed this:

Her tiny, chubby hand was gripping the necklace I was wearing round my neck. I had to quickly grab my phone and angle it just right to snap this pic.

Down on my knees thankful for these moments.

--if you'd like to buy this charm, find it here--

We Do, God Helping Us.

2011-05-24T09:54:00.000-04:00

Mother's Day this year was a myriad of emotion and experience.

I was awaken at 5:15 by our sweet Naomi. I suppose she was eager to get this special day started. For that day she was to be baptized into the covenant.

On my mind at that early hour was Mother's Day 2010 , last year. Oh, how uneasy I was heading to God's house that beautiful spring Sunday. Conflicted because I had much to be grateful for after all, I was a mother 4 times over, but grieving the still baby I had delivered 3 weeks prior. It was the first Mother's Day I experienced with a heavenly baby. How clearly I remember telling myself not to be so upset, to be logical.

Don't let Mother's Day get to you, I told myself... it's just a Hallmark holiday anyway.

I survived that day, even got a few photos of it. When last year's Mother's Day was through, I prayed that the next year, my heart would have some healing and I could testify to God's work in my life.

That was my prayer.

In fact I even wrote about it here.

God, as He promises to do, answered that prayer and I was given the opportunity on Mother's Day to share during the worship service. Speaking honestly about the pain and joy our last year has seen, how God is always good and His blessing is not based on my deserving or perception.

I'm forever grateful for the chance to stand there, with my husband and newborn daughter at my side, and proclaim-- To God Alone be the Glory! Thank you for bringing us this far!!

It was just one of those days where I realized how amazing this life can be. How, through the loss of April, God can use me, how He opened my eyes and heart to so much. How it is only the beginning.

Well, like I mentioned at the start of this post. Mother's Day was also Baptism day for Naomi. I was determined to keep a calm attitude despite my nerves and the chaos of getting everyone out of the house. Unlike any given Sunday, I did NOT want the drive to church to be one of kids fighting, me grumbling under my breath about how Dan waited so long to brush his teeth and surely that is why we were late. Rather, I hoped for smooth and methodical Sunday morning preparation and did my best to facilitate that. You would think I would do this everyday of my life, but no. Chaos generally reigns.

Thankfully, everyone (including myself) was well behaved and we had a joyous time celebrating with family and friends.

Naomi in the baptism dress worn by me, my sis Stacey, Joy, and Juliet

love, love, love the history in that gown!

First,

do you confess Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, accept the promises of God, and affirm the truth of the Christian faith which is proclaimed in the Bible and confessed in this church of Christ?

Second,

do you believe that your children, though sinful by nature, are received by God in Christ as members of his covenant, and therefore ought to be baptized?

Third,

do you promise, in reliance on the Holy Spirit and with the help of the Christian community, to do all in your power to instruct these children in the Christian faith and to lead them by your example into the life of Christian discipleship?

We do, God helping us.

Prayers for a Precious One

2011-05-23T14:00:00.003-04:00

I'd like to ask those who follow this blog

(some of you I know, some I am quite certain I do not know)

please

pray

for an unborn baby.

The precious baby of dear friends.

click the bird button above to learn more of Baby Bird's story and how you can jointhe warriors of prayer as we wait in hope for the life of this baby.
Thank you so very much.

If you would like to add this "pray for baby bird" button to your blog, copy and paste the code that you see here in my right sidebar.

one last hurrah. (a long lost blog post!)

2011-05-15T06:47:00.001-04:00

This post was written pre-Naomi :) I just discovered it in my blog drafts and for the sake of memory keeping, thought I would still post it.

in the beginning of March, we packed up the mini-van and mozied down to Schaumburg, Illinois to visit LegoLand Discovery Center.

Dan and I promoted it to the kids as one last family trip before the baby comes. We would stay in a hotel, eat at restaurants, and swim in the pool! They could hardly wait until the Friday we would leave. The closer the weekend came, the sicker and rounder I was becoming. All hopped up on nasal spray and Zantac, I soldiered through the rather close quarters of LegoLand and slithered into a swimsuit for a dip in the hotel pool.

Fun family times were had by all. I'd have to say my one of my favorite parts of the weekend was Thai food delivered to our hotel room! There is nothing more fun that eating on a bed with 6 people watching Spongebob Squarepants... or is there ? ? ?

A few pix from the experience...

are we having fun yet?

very typical

I was not allowed on the rides.

Joy thought this was about the funniest thing she had ever seen!

April's Garden 2011

2011-05-13T17:19:00.001-04:00

Last year we created a garden in the front of our home.
A memorial garden.

it was a productive activity, and i really, really needed to do something with my time and anxious thoughts.

At the time (May) Dan suggested that we plant a good amount of spring bloomers because after all, our baby passed away in April just as spring was budding and blooming.   The garden as it bloomed would remind us of April our 5th baby, of God's faithfulness in our lives and ultimately bring us joy.

But, by the time we prepared the yard and put the finishing touches on the garden, Spring had long passed.   We had to wait until Spring 2011 to see new growth and beautiful blooms.   It rather well represents the patience and waiting I had to learn this last year.

Looking back I can still feel how impatient I was.   I wanted time to pass as quick as possible. I wanted to rush the outcome. In my mind one year after April's passing would be significant. Significantly healing, I had hoped.   God did reveal His plan this last year, in powerful ways.
I like that the garden is so much more than just a collection of soil and vegetation. It is a symbol. Not just this Spring, but every Spring season in the future.

Today, it is Spring 2011, one year later.   I snapped a few photos to share the progress and the beauty of the garden.

9 years. 3 years. 1 year.

2011-04-15T07:00:00.005-04:00

April 15.

Nine years ago today, God gave unto Dan and I, a precious son.

Andrew.

He came into this world with a bang, as he nearly entered the world in the back of our mini-van! At nine years old he delights us with his energy, and his unyielding devotion to his big brother. He is easily brought to tears and is sensitive. This sensitivity is an asset because it helps him to see when others are hurting or rejoicing. He is the self proclaimed "best goalie on his soccer team" and still likes to sleep with his "dee-tee". The perfect blend of innocence and confidence. Drew, Dewey, Double D-- by whatever name we call you-- You are a gift!

With a grateful heart, I celebrate you this day.

_____________________________________________________________

3 years ago today, God gave unto Dan and I, a precious daughter.

Juliet

She came into this world smoothly and beautifully. I had to fight tooth and nail to talk Dan into having a 4th child. He was done after three. It didn't take long at all for that little gal to securely wrap Daddy around her finger. At 3 years of age she is scrappy and animated. All she needs is a few toys and her favorite TV show Max and Ruby for background noise and she will play the day away. Her role has recently changed from the baby to big sis so naturally we are still working out the kinks with that. Buns, Bunser, Babe-- by whatever name we call you-- You are a gift!!

With a joyful heart, I celebrate you today.

_______________________________________________________________

1 year ago today, God gave unto Dan and I, our third daughter.

April.

She came into this world silent and still. She was already with the One who allowed her conception and knew with Him she would remain. At 1 year remembered, we do not know her. I can't share about her personality or what color were her eyes. She didn't have the chance to earn her own nickname. Even so, she had weight in this world. Physically speaking she was 3.7 oz. But my pregnancy, the short labor and the delivery of her changed our lives. Our kids will carry her in their hearts always. I have struggled and learned so much this last year. I will continue to find meaning , not necessarily a neat and tidy explanation of why we could not keep her, but God's hand in all the events that surrounded her conception and death.
April, the baby we lost, our daughter, our 5th child--by whatever name we call you-- You are a gift!!

With a heavy heart I remember you this day.

3 weeks old-- surviving and thriving.

2011-04-14T08:07:00.000-04:00

Just wanted to pop in and offer up a few photos and an update of our life with the 7 of us.

I've been working up a few blog posts in my mind that are yet to come. It has been a whirlwind of emotions , hormones and thoughts that have passed through and over me the last few weeks. I just wouldn't be me if I didn't take some time to sort them out and "write" them down. But for today, just the basics.

I took this photo on the first day home and thought it was funny because no one wanted to leave Naomi's side. Or is it just that no one wanted to stop watching television?

Naomi was welcomed home by all of us on Friday March 25. At the time I was glad to have the weekend to ease into what would become real life again on Monday morning.

If only.

If only real life had waited that long. Real life started during my hospital stay as 3 of the kids had a stomach virus and you know what that means. Bringing home our baby, meant bringing her home to a sick house. Thankfully, she was immune. Immune to that and a host of other things our chaotic household offers. She has been very content to sleep, nurse and do all the wonderful things that newborns do. I CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF THIS STAGE. NEWBORNS ARE MY FAVORITE!!!

We are trucking along getting used to another person in the house. The kids are learning patience in a whole new way. I am learning how to expand myself a little further to meet all of their needs. I do feel that some days (and many overnights) are just survived. But now, holding Naomi tight I feel a new and different sense of wonder and gratitude than I've ever felt before during these draining first few weeks. These are huge gifts. This busy life, the ridiculous amount of backed up laundry, yes, even the sleep deprivation is a gift. THIS-- what I have longed for, for much of the last year and a half-- is here now. I embrace it. I cherish it. I want to etch it all into my memory.

This last photo is how I found Juliet after one busy afternoon.

I know how she feels. At any given time I could fall asleep- half standing.

A birth story, in photos.

2011-04-11T13:25:00.000-04:00

I was privileged to have my sister-in-law of Katie DeBoer Photography come to photograph the birth of our baby. Early in my pregnancy, I was not sure if I would want the private moments of the birth photographed. I had these thoughts because I was nervous. I was nervous about an un-happy ending. As much as I had hoped and continually tried to "give it to God" I had a slow ember of fear that something could or might go terribly wrong. But on the other hand, I just KNEW I wanted the birth photographed.

God's peace and the excitement that went with me into the hospital that early morning knocked out my fears and we lift our hearts in gratitude that we have our baby here with us today. I am so thankful that Katie came to take pictures. She is so talented and I will cherish the photographs for a lifetime.

Besides the fantastic ones already posted on Facebook, here are some additional faves I picked.
I think they tell this part of the story, beautifully.

(this photo is actually taken on my phone by Dan, but we had to get that last belly pic.)

I couldn't wait to use my iPhone app. to time my contractions! So exciting and amazing to think that when I had Chase 11 years ago, we timed contractions the old fashioned way-- with a wall clock !

Signing on the dotted line...

Dan's typical method for helping labor progress.

It's GO (and push) time!!

Not to us, O LORD, not to us
but to your name be the glory,
because of your love and faithfulness.

Psalm 115:1

Her Story Begins.

2011-03-25T18:30:00.001-04:00

Praise be to God!

We welcome this gift into our hearts and our lives...

Naomi April

March 23, 2011

10:08 am

9lbs. 15oz.

20 in.

Many more thoughts and photos to come. Wishing time could just stand still right now.

God has turned our tears to a time of rejoicing!

Flashback Friday/ Our Big kid is 11 !!

2011-03-18T07:25:00.001-04:00

Eleven years ago Dan and I were just youngsters -- I mean really, quite young at 23 and 24 !! We were anticipating the birth of our first child. It was one of the most precious times in our life so far. I love to witness people waiting for their first child to arrive. With great expectation they do not yet know what an almost sacred moment they will soon experience!!

We did not know if were about to meet a boy or a girl, but in my heart I just knew I would have a boy. I had always kind of wanted a big brother to lead the way and I dreamed that my future daughters would benefit from that. I guess that reality is yet to be determined. Yes, they have older brothers-- but will they appreciate that?

Boy oh, boy what a difference it is being pregnant @ 35! I won't go into all the reasons for I don't want this to read like a complaint list. I certainly am not complaining about my current state, but this ol' uterus ain't what it used to be! Ha HA!

So for this Flashback, a few photos from expecting Chase. How I treasured the last 11 years and roughly 207 weeks of carrying our babies!

March 2000 38 weeks and waiting to meet our firstborn--Chase!

back when maternity shirts were long enough and resembled tents.

A few more funnies from labor and delivery...

Dan was pretty tired out from all the labor I was doing! We still laugh about this!

Wow, after 12 hours of true labor, He was here and I was a Mom.

Since I'm on the feeling train, I'll ride it a bit longer...
Chase has been a blessing beyond measure with his calm disposition and generally pleasing attitude. I am not naive enough to think that we are not on the verge of big change for him as he enters the ~~shudder~~ 'tween years.

But today on this 11th birthday, I bring God praise for all that He has made him and all Chase will become. Time to buckle our seatbelts!!!! If only figuratively for 4 more years!

11 months ago...

2011-03-15T07:00:00.005-04:00

"There is no despair so absolute

(indescribable pain, indescribable peace)

as that which comes with the first moments of our first great sorrow,

(naming our baby girl)

when we have not yet known what it is to have suffered and be healed, (one day I will testify!)

to have despaired and have recovered hope."

(it's a Gal !!)

--George Eliot

I recently came across this quote. I read it and thought to myself-- SO true! I immediately thought how it so poetically described our last 11 months.
I broke down each phrase of the quote followed by parenthesized links to previous blog posts.
If you are new to my story, click the above links for a small summary.

First came despair.

Losing April was our first great sorrow. Perhaps the pain of losing her was second to the immense fear I held that I didn't know how to live life after loss. What if I couldn't move past it? What if I dissolved into a disaster of a woman filled with bitterness, emptiness, and anger. What if I turned my face from God or believed he turned his face from me?

I did not know what it was to have suffered and be healed.

As the weeks went on I learned and experienced much. The ways, shapes and forms that healing comes. But also the ways, shapes and forms grief over our loss that still remains to this day.

In what surprised me as a relatively short amount of time,

God gave us a gift to recover our hope.

I did a bit of research, not a lot but some, about the person who wrote these words.

She wasn't a George after all, that was her pen name. Her given name was Mary Ann Evans and she denounced Christianity. How she must be rolling in her grave knowing that the beautiful words she penned so long ago speak to me only of Jesus.

I don't say that to be condescending, I just love, love, love it when I come across something so full of truth!!!

11 months have passed and our story still beginning.
What I'm realizing now is-- that it always can be...beginning.

the crib in the corner and her memory on the wall

2011-03-14T20:10:00.002-04:00

Well, there it is.

The crib in the corner. Again.

It was only a short 2 years ago that we moved it out of our bedroom much to Dan's dismay.   Juliet was one year old and needed to get her buns in Joy's room and take up residence.
The crib itself had a brief hiatus from use for about 2 months after we moved the girls to bunk beds.   Back in January, my heart was not ready for the crib to stand at the ready for a baby that was not close enough to coming.   By February, we repainted our bedroom and I had to ride the wave of Dan's motivation for makeover.   So the crib is up, the pinky flower car seat is free of mouse turds from our basement and I've even busted out the old breastfeeding paraphernalia.

It feels good, I feel ready as I'll ever be ... for 5 kids.

A special addition to our room, 11 months the making, is the shadow box.
It contains the few pieces of memorabilia that we have from the pregnancy and loss of our baby, April.   I delivered her, nearing what would have been my 17th week of pregnancy, last April 15.

sorry about the photo quality, I am the WORST photog. !!

I don't know why it has taken 11 months to create something I wanted to do immediately. Partly because I am a procrastinator, partly because I think I just needed to keep them in the box, in the drawer, until I was ready. Who knows? But I am happy with the result. Someday I will tell this little one about another, even smaller one that came before her. A story that tells of God's hand, His will, His comfort, His sovereignty and how very much I have yet to learn.

jealous, much?

2011-03-03T10:42:00.002-05:00

With each new infant item introduced into the daily mix I have a little gal who would really just like to go back in time and relive her short session as the "baby".

Does she even remember when she fit in this seat?

I certainly do!

"to the joy that's coming"

2011-03-01T20:28:00.001-05:00

If there was ever a song that I worked hard on me last summer it was Before The Morning by Josh Wilson.

Last week Joy and I were cruisin' around town in the mini-van and she began to talk about April. Joy has kept April a part of our daily lives through conversations, questions and drawings. So many times I have been struck by what a healing gift that has been. Numerous times she has asked me just how small her head was, and if she can look at the hospital momentos. She lovingly opens the box and carefully examines each article. Joy is not a procrastinator and she keeps wondering why I have yet to compile the momentos and display them in the shadow box that I bought last fall. She has convicted me to work on it, amongst other things that I really want do to honor April's memory before I am all to consumed with my post-pregnancy life.

So, back to the song. There is a phrase in the song that sings like this:

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

If you know Joy and I (and my mom for that matter) we are always humming or singing a tune that it is our heads. On that particular day in the van I was singing the above lyrics. Joy said to me,

"Mom, I know what that means... "to the joy that's coming"
I replied, "What do you think?"
She said "When the new baby comes!"

And for the short term, she is right. The baby is absolutely a joy that's coming! But there in that moment I wanted to tell her all the more reasons that joy is coming--One Glorious Day! I tried, and as my kids often do, she bolted to the next topic as quick as her mind would go. One of the legacies, if you will, that April's short life leaves in our family is that she opened our children's minds door to Heaven. For that I thank my Heavenly Father.

There is so much that her 7 year old self just gets, you know? I am amazed at how God works in her heart and how she so easily expresses herself. Sometimes too easily when it comes to her opinions, wants or displeasure. She is my firstborn girl and it blesses me to know that she will carry April with her throughout her life. What God has given me is a special someone that will keep all of the physical and mental memories for me someday when I have gone on. She is truly a Joy !!

If you care to check it.... Here is a short story about the inspiration for this song. Great Story!

And finally, a few pix of Joy and I on today.. our shared BIRTHDAY!!!

Feeling the Love

2011-02-14T10:44:00.000-05:00

They could hardly wait, actually they didn't wait until Valentine's Day to give us their heartfelt creations. Friday after school I received these treasures.

You read that right. I make a mean batch of beans and corn.

proof my kids will fight about ANYTHING !

2011-02-10T19:13:00.001-05:00

A little healthy sibling rivalry is normal in every household, right?

The boys wrestle, the girls fight over the same Barbie and they all fight over who will sit where in the mini-van.

A few weeks ago they reached a new low.   Fighting over prayer.

The disappointing scene took place before supper one evening last month when Dan was working in Maryland.   I was already weary from the days doings and I was looking forward to getting off of my feet for 30 minutes to scarf up whatever concoction I had prepared.

We sat down and decided that we would do a popcorn prayer to begin the meal time.   This gives each kid the opportunity to offer a praise or request, and even Juliet gets in on it (thanking God for her milk, or Daddy) Before even one hand was folded, or one eye closed a fight ensued!

Drew accused Joy of stealing all of the "good prayers"

Chase didn't have anything he wanted to pray.

Joy screamed back that she had dibs on "the baby in Mommy's tummy"

Drew pouted that she "ALWAYS gets that one, and it WASN'T FAIR"

Juliet wouldn't take the pacifier out of her mouth or put her lovey down. (what else is new?)

Chase just wanted to eat supper and whined about that.

I offered some other options that they might be interested in praying about.

"No I don't want to say that stuff!" proclaimed Joy and Drew.

At this point I wasn't feeling particularly reverent, and proceeded to take the lead and offered up a prayer that I hope (and know) God could read between the lines and my wearied tone.

And then there was silence. We dined, the kids had a change of heart and we moved on to the next part of the evening-- Homework!

I love these little people, but my goodness they surprise me all the time with how, what, where, when and why they will bicker. Perhaps someday they will be best friends ? ? ?

Juliet at her "desk"

A picnic gone wrong, you can see by Joy's face.

the final countdown.

2011-02-07T13:27:00.002-05:00

Sometime around 30 weeks I began to count down the weeks, while before that point I was counting up.    A wonderful milestone and I am thankful!    With less than 7 weeks to go before my due date I am trying to get my head around this being my last pregnancy.   I have many fun comparisons going on my my head about the first time I walked this road 11 years ago.   I hope to dig out a few thoughts and photos from the olden days pretty soon and blog them, but for today, though writing I hope to kick some fear to the curb.

I have said countless times that my previous pregnancy and this one have kind of melted together to one long hormonal circus.     Hope and loss, sadness and searching, anticipation, fear, and joy all weaving their own mark into my time line the last 10 months.

The closer I get to the 40 week mark increased anxious thoughts and memories of April's induced delivery reach the surface of my heart.    The way the last few weeks have lived out resemble the way I spent the first trimester of this pregnancy--living in fear.

Fearful of what exactly?   Frankly, another pregnancy loss and delivery of a baby already gone.   The thought of living through that again is breath stealing and joy taking.   I DO NOT want to be filled with this fear, but here I am again letting it seep back in.    I say "I" am letting it seep in because it certainly is not of God.

He has restored me.
He has displayed His power in creating this life that I carry.
He has promised to be near me every hour.

I don't want the loss of April to be for nothing. Of the many things I have learned and will continue to learn following that time is that God is God!    His promises are true, and He carries us.

It was not a one time gig.

He will do this over and over again in my life as certainly more and greater storms will arise.

Matthew 8:26 (Contemporary English Version)

²⁶But Jesus replied, "Why are you so afraid?

You surely don't have much faith."

Then he got up and ordered the wind and the waves to calm down. And everything was calm.

So, as a kind of declaration of independence from fear I say, that come what may,

God will restore me.
God will display his power whatever the circumstance!
God will be near me every hour.

Moving forward in faith. 49 some days to go!

Flashback Friday-- fridge fotos edition

2011-02-04T22:00:00.000-05:00

I pass by them everyday, adornments on my refridgerator. It is a messy collage of magnets, cards, photos, kid artwork and notepads.

Today I took a fresh look at them again, and scanned in a few of my faves.

As much as I love professional photographs, there is something great about snapshots.

Here's a few from my frig front...

Juliet, 1 Year Old

Bethany, Me, and Stacey rockin' it 1980s style in 2007

The Big 3 when they were quite little, 2007

Katie and I, expecting the gals in 2008

The Fam. last Fall 2010

it seemed like a good idea...

2011-01-27T14:17:00.002-05:00

at the time...

Recently, I printed out softcover books of my blog posts over the last nearly 5 years. It has been an interesting and fun journey to read through the story of our lives since I started the ol' blog in February 2006. I am happy to say that my thoughts and experiences both the inane and the life changing are not only virtually recorded but also on a hard copy that my offspring can read and chuckle through someday, just in case this internet thing doesn't last forever. I can only imagine what they will think of their mothers musings when they themselves are in their 30s. It will certainly be a different world.

So this is one of those posts. One about our life, light observations. After all, we do live beyond the heaviness we have felt this last year, and I am not made up entirely of deep thoughts. :)

I've been noticing a lot of stuff/habits around here that started out with high hopes, only to leave me annoyed as of late.

The Shelf.
One of my great ideas to fill the weird space in our living room.

What once looked like this:

Now looks like this:

We moved the monstrosity to the boys room and they could not be more delighted.
It now adorns junk, book, trash, action figures, dust, and the like. It is a showcase of all things Chase and Drew. Really, how do you even begin to organize this treasure trove?

The Pillow.
This being my 6th pregnancy, you would think I've seen and tried it all when it comes to pregnancy products. Not true. A particular pregnancy pillow caught my eye a few months back and I could hardly wait to be uncomfortable while sleeping! The discomfort would allow me the justification I needed to buy this unusual contraption that boasted of back and belly bliss.

I don't love it. Not cushy enough.

The Pacifer.
I have only myself to blame. When Juliet was 4 months old and just about the most content baby old I had ever met, I came across a pacifier. She was fussing in her swing and I thought it might be cute to see if she would enjoy it. The was history.

What was extremely adorable at the time has turned into a rock solid addiction that perhaps I should have broke about a year ago. Oops.

The Dog.
Perhaps this will be a bit of a sensitive subject for her former owners, but I have to let it out.
Exactly who does she think she is? Sitting on her perch like that?

The story of her acquisition reads here. In the 7 months we have had her, she has peed, pooped, destroyed, and annoyed! Here's the thing though-- the kids, specifically Drew and Juliet LOVE her.
And so she remains.

I'm sure there are many more but since there is no where deep or particularly meaningful that I am going with this post, I'll sign off.
I just wanted to pop in a few sillys for the archives, and know that I won't look back at this blog someday and say... It seemed like a good idea... at the time. It has been good.

What's new? not much.

2011-01-27T12:42:00.000-05:00

Wow, it's been awhile.

I am happy to report that as of last week we have no signs of Christmas decor still standing in the house. Not our personal record for either how short or how long it has taken us to take down Christmas, but it was too long for me as I am eager to get prepping for the new babe!

So, what's new around here at Mini-Van Mega-Fun?
Not much actually. I've been in survival mode this January looking ahead to days where Dan will be working in town and life can normalize a bit. Although, I am not sure normal or typical, or even habitual even describes life in this house. Everyday brings about oddity, and I guess over all I am thankful for that.

As far as my pregnancy goes. 31 weeks! The final countdown has begun--but that is another post for a different day.

Thanks for peeking in. I hope to have more time soon to organize my thoughts into a few more blog posts. There is much going on in my head and heart that needs to properly processed as to not have it all come out in a hormonal spiral over mouse turds and missing the bus!

summer dreaming...

2011-01-04T22:04:00.000-05:00

everything rides on hope.

2011-01-04T13:41:00.001-05:00

Didn't get around to posting this at Christmas time... but pondering hope is even more fitting for this New Year...right?

Deeper than optimism, more rooted than wishful thinking...

hope | hōp |

noun
1 a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen

God's gift of Hope.

I learned much more about hope last year. I felt it rise, crash, and slowly etch itself back into my heart. At times it feels like there are 2 kinds of hope. The kind that is defined above from the dictionary -- the hope that we feel for things of earth. But also there is the indescribable kind of Hope-- the kind of hope that only comes from God. The kind that lives in the Christian soul because God has initiated it. We are the objects of His affection and mercy!

1 Peter 1:3-

3 Praise be to the God and  Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new  birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from  the dead,

Unlike wishful thinking or staying optimistic, Christian hope is secure. It cannot be lost because what God ultimately has planned for our life is stored in Heaven.

⁴ and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, ⁵ who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time.

So in believing this, I find joy.

When life is filled with trial, doesn't make sense, or the things we hope for here on earth do not materialize, Hope can endure.

6 In all this you greatly  rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief  in all kinds of trials. 7  These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater  worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result  in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 

I am not trying to say that having Christian hope will wipe away yours (or my) trials and pain. Certainly challenges persist while hope endures. My intention with my writings...er...ramblings is to testify that God has restored hope in my life. Not just the hope of a new baby, but the hope of my life eternal.

I was so inspired this Advent season by a series of messages given at our church. The Gifts of Christmas.

To learn more...

Click here to hear the podcasts

more specifically choose November 28... The Gift of Hope.

holiday highlights

2011-01-02T20:33:00.001-05:00

Tomorrow the new year officially begins as it is back to school for the kids, back to work out of state for Dan , and really, finally letting my heart prepare for the arrival of baby gal in 12 weeks (or hopefully less) !

A few pix for the memory book...

Juliet, looking thrilled and wearing the handmade coat by Jamie B.

all ready to go to the kids' school program

Christmas crafts with Dan. Fail.

The ever growing Hopkins family

The kids get a visit from Santa, again Juliet not so thrilled...

but she'll happily open the presents!

Just a precious one here of Danno.

Truly a special moment as Drew read aloud from scripture,

and Joy recited from memory -- the birth of Christ

My little bro Ross sipping Fresca from the moose mugs

All gussied up for the school program. Necklace and button down collars included.

Such a good sport, hanging out with Santa so the

little ones will still believe :-)

finally, Drew and his weather station. This kid LOVES weather reporting.

and how could I forget the forced family foto in front of Grandma's tree.

and for the sake of consistency, Juliet looks just thrilled.

belated Merry Christmas!

2010-12-29T11:05:00.000-05:00

From: Mini-Van Mega-Fun

To: You and Yours.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year 2011 !

Not what I once was.

2010-12-21T22:42:00.002-05:00

Tonight, over the phone I told Dan I just want to get back to the old me.

Perhaps that doesn't make much sense out of context.

Let me explain, and in doing so I hope to figure out if the old me is really the former me and not likely to be me again.    You follow?   Probably not.

Tonight I stare at the laundry undone, the presents waiting to be wrapped. I smell the clogged garbage disposal , the wet boots and gloves.    I chow down on the Christmas goodies that I just can't resist.   I hear our 2 year old crying out for her pacifier and I sigh.     All of these things could have described a typical December night a year ago,   but the difference this year is -- me. You see, I'm not dealing with the day to day quite as well.

It's been nearly one year since I became pregnant with our 5th child, the baby we lost and Heaven gained.   And ever since I learned of that pregnancy,   lost that pregnancy, grieved that pregnancy, and discovered this new pregnancy I have not been the me I once, or you, once knew.

Maybe I can blame the pregnancy hormones which have been raging in me for 41 of the last 53 weeks, with 14 yet to go.   Or maybe it's the tiring work of sorting through grief.   I was/am new to it, and had to find my own way through it.   Grief can be a sneaky jerk, popping up at times when you just don't want to go there.

Maybe it's the constant balancing act of hope and fear.     Although God has given me so much joy and hope over this new pregnancy,   it only takes a bad dream recalling the day I delivered April to send me running for the tissue box and rendering me useless when it comes to things like cleaning toilets or dusting.

Maybe it is those things.    Some days I like to blame the economy.   That sounds fair, doesn't it?   The nation's economic crisis has trickled down to the industry in which my husband is employed. .   He has to go out of state to find work and that has been a HUGE adjustment for the kids and I.    Yes! that is why I am no longer the productive, stable, self controlled, person I once was-- being a on again, off again single parent to 4 kids and growing another is doing me in!

Why can't I be the me I used to be?

I get it, really I do--this post sounds like a list of woes!

But I had to get them out to see that although they are certainly the raw ingredients in the lump of dough that I think I've become--
This past year... God changed the recipe.

I may want to function at a certain level because I think that is my best.
But... perhaps God is forming (and let's just say-- baking, for the sake of the metaphor)

A new me.

I have to trust, that in His time the new me will in fact be a sweet, not bitter creation.

Philippians 1:6 NIV

being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

a new treasure on the tree.

2010-12-02T20:37:00.001-05:00

a new gratitude.

2010-11-28T17:09:00.002-05:00

As with many folks, we genuinely have many repeat "I'm Thankful Fors..." year after year.

We gather around the table and offer our gratitude for many of the same blessings as years prior.    When I really think about it, it is an amazing thing to do just that.     As an example -- for my parents to sit at this their 39th Thanksgiving table together and be grateful yet again for that same person --- awesome!

Some years are like that , some years are not.   For many, the year that lives on between each Thanksgiving holiday brings about pain, struggle, disillusionment, junk.

I am nearly positive that my personal list of gratitude on Thanksgiving 2009 included our children, Dan's job, our amazing circle of family and friends.     Fast forward to 2010 and those are all abundantly true!

But, I have a few more " I'm thankful fors" to add.   Some things I never thought would cross my mind, or my heart only one year ago.

I am thankful for human compassion.   We had never lost a baby before. The pure love and kindnesses shown to us after April's death and delivery fill my heart with gratitude. We could not have survived those early days without- people.

I am thankful for empathetic hearts. One of the things I craved most this year, was knowing I wasn't alone in my experience. People I knew and many I do not, have shared with me their story and inspired me in knowing that God will restore.

i am thankful for freedom of expression. I realize that all people find their own way to process loss and work through pain. I am thankful that I live in this day and age. For the most part, I wasn't discouraged from talking about our loss. Blogs, face to face conversations, and many resources have helped me this year. I have learned this freedom wasn't as available 20, 30 years or more ago.

I am thankful for God's word. Where else would I to find His promises? Where else would I find true hope?

I am thankful for this guy.
Ok, this one is for sure a repeat but, surely in a new way. Dan was called upon this year to see with his own two eyes an ultrasound of a still baby-- while I wailed. He was called upon to stand by, feeling somewhat powerless, as I delivered her. He was called upon to stay with me through it all and be the a source of strength-- all the while feeling his own pain of loss and experiencing something that is really difficult for a man to process.

He was required to do all of this while going back to work full time in a ridiculous economy and a work setting that allows NO time for grieving. I cringe at the thought of how he must have had to take a deep breath when I would call... not knowing what he was about to get on the other side of the phone. He must of wondered what environment would greet him when coming home from a long day at work. It is not easy to see your wife in pain, and not being able to stop it. I say all of this not so you would feel sorry for him (or me) but to just scratch at the surface of why I am thankful for Dan this year!

Truly, a Happy Thanksgiving 2010.

Thoughts on this Thanksgiving Eve

2010-11-24T22:40:00.000-05:00

Taken directly from a devotional book, "Jesus Calling" that I received from a friend this year.

November 24

Thankfulness takes the sting out of adversity. That is why I have instructed you to give thanks in everything. There is an element of mystery in this transaction: You give me thanks (regardless of your feelings), and I give you Joy (regardless of your circumstances). This is a spiritual act of obedience--at times, blind obedience. To people who don't know me intimately, it can seem irrational and even impossible to thank Me for heartrending hardships. Nonetheless, those who obey Me in this way are invariably blessed, even though difficulties remain.

Thankfulness opens your heart to My Presence and your mind to My thoughts. You may still be in the same place, with the same set of circumstances, but it is as if a light has been switched on, enabling you to see from My perspective. It is this Light of my Presence that removes the sting from adversity.

For the love of Barney.

2010-11-22T21:40:00.001-05:00

She does not look very excited, but I sure was.   According to my calculations, she was the only Barney for miles and miles that Halloween night.   I scored a steal of a deal for this costume on Ebay. Imagine that? Barney costumes were not going for top dollar!

Each one of our kids have been ~~interested~~ obsessed with certain fictional characters right around age 2.   Chase had Thomas the Tank Engine, Drew loved SpiderMan, Joy adored Care Bears.    Juliet is charmed by Barney. Yes, the purple dinosaur from 1990.

Come on...go ahead and sing Barney's theme song with me... "I Love You, You Love Me, We're a Happy Family"...

I just had to record this pic for the family archives as I am certain this love for all things Barney will pass just as the Big Three have moved on from their 2 year old infatuations.    Perhaps, this time it's for the greater good of our family. When I hear Dan humming Barney tunes in the shower and the thought of Chase at school accidentally singing a Barney jingle because he can't get it out of his head-- poor kid, that might be a tad embarassing.

The only two that unapologetically enjoy Barney's musical stylings are Drew and Juliet. As evidenced by this photo I snapped during Barney's Greatest Hits. Just a sweet moment from a seemingly never ending week with Dan out of state.

I Love You, You Love Me, We're a Happy Family.

With a Great Big Hug and a Kiss from Me to You,

Won't you say You Love Me too?

---Barney

It sounds idyllic, does it not?

my new old chair

2010-11-11T21:38:00.001-05:00

the best consignment store purchase of my life!!

this photo does not do it justice for she is a beaute!
not at all faded or worn as the photo may suggest-- and no left over geriatric essence if you know what I mean :)

I have deemed it my official upcoming nursing chair and I look
forward to many cozy days in it with the new babe.

High expectations for a 20 dollar chair, I'd say.

honesty, honestly.

2010-11-09T12:24:00.003-05:00

I was convinced that this baby would be a boy.

Perhaps some thought I've desired a girl because April was a girl. Since there remains a huge void for the daughter we hoped to hold and raise, it seems natural that I would want this child to be a girl to fulfill that hope.

In some ways that is true, in other ways it is not.    That empty space will always be there--for the baby we hoped to meet in September 2010, for April.    Having another daughter does not fill that space, just as giving birth to Juliet did not replace Joy. They are two distinct lives.

So at some point in this pregnancy when I began to let go of some of the fear of another loss, I convinced myself that we'd be meeting a boy come March 2011.

Why did I do that?   I've come to a few conclusions.

I was afraid that having another girl would negate the loss we suffered, perhaps? in my heart, but maybe for others.   I wanted to keep April's status as our 5th child, our third and last girl, because frankly I still long for her.    In my mind, having a boy would, in large ways accomplish keeping April's status firm.

There were other things that I idealized about having this baby be a son.   The big kids had hoped for another brother,   Chase will be 11 years old at the time of the birth I could just picture he and a little bro years into the future.

By now most of you are probably thinking-- "what a headcase!" or "it is what it is" or "what an ingrate" Believe me, I have thought those things about myself at one point or another.

I am happy to say that most of the above feelings are past tense.     Each step along this journey I have forced myself to take an honest look at what is going on in my head and in my heart.   I am only human and many rational feelings and irrational thoughts weave their ways into my days and weeks. Sorting them out, and even blogging about them has been immensely helpful. An absolute constant that does not falter is our gratitude.     This little gal inside is desired and wanted just as much as April was.   I am down on my knees thankful for her life within. God's promises of hope and restoration are budding!

Here are a few pix from the evening of our ultrasound. We went out for pizza and let the kids open the envelope with the answer to our new baby's gender.

may I have the envelope, please?

reading the result

laughing at the revelation

tell me how you really feel?

Juliet , just happy to be the baby for awhile longer. :-)

It's a Gal !!

2010-10-26T21:46:00.002-04:00

Psalm 71:14

But as for me, I will always have hope;

I will praise you more and more.

Normally I have long winded posts

detailing my feelings that accompany this journey God has me on, but not tonight.

Tonight, I marvel.

Tonight, I am extremely grateful. Thankfulness beyond

what mere words can even express.

Tonight, hope wins.

days without incident

2010-10-21T21:50:00.000-04:00

As mentioned in my previous post, it is only October and the kids have little tolerance for each other during the morning rush to the bus. I was watching an episode of the Middle awhile back and noticed one of those Days Without Injury signs. I suppose this is some type of motivator for safety in the workplace. At my house it is a motivator for tranquility. The goal number and subsequent reward is yet to be determined...

I noticed as I was making it that they will eventually use this sign against me. They will argue that they only have to peacefully co-exist in the morning and the remainder of the day can be a fighting free-for-all! A whole day incident free? It is baby steps over here, folks!

Barbies and Legos in MY shower...

2010-10-21T09:10:00.000-04:00

and other things that annoy me now, but someday I will miss...

As i stepped into my shower the other morning and nearly punctured my foot on a StarWars action figure I thought to myself~~ "Arghhhhh! these kids!!!!" (or perhaps something not as nice as that)

Snack wrappers under the sheets in our bed

Grubby hand prints on every light switch, window and door knob.

That one toilet in the house that is always used... but rarely flushed.

The remains of a sucker stick that is permanently fixed to the seat in the van

Backpacks half zipped up with food and important papers falling out everywhere.

And it is worth mentioning again...their toys in every nook and cranny of this house!

the literal bouncing off the walls

oh my. the fighting and teasing and pestering.

At times I get really frustrated with how I can never keep up with their messes, their laundry, the schedules and their overall needs. Those are the days I would be mortified to have someone "drop in" to say hello. I never imagined my life with this many children, and rarely feel that I do this job well. Especially when I realize that the reason they are like this is perhaps we have failed to properly teach them how to be decent.

It is in those moments that i require a new perspective. We have 4 (almost 5) kids that have been gifted to us. They are amazing unique creatures God loves and knows. They are a perfect blend of Dan and I and we have such an amazing job to do. So, instead of my dramatic displays of dissatisfaction, today I will marvel in my children.

the bedtime conversations had by the boys, and the fact that they can't sleep without the other in the room.

Juliet singing Jesus Loves Me in her bed, in the car, in the corner where she always does her "duty"

The way Joy expresses herself through notes, card making, and drawings.

How they freely speak about a sister in heaven.

The two moments in every school day that I adore: When they step foot on the bus. Everyday I am genuinely thankful we survived the 45 minute ridiculousness that is the morning routine. Also, when they step foot off the bus. They are so happy to be home again, I am thankful to have them safely back to me.

How the big 3 adore Juliet.

Messes, artwork and even clogged toilets. These are just some of the things over the last 11 years that have made our house... a home. For this short period of time I will just have to watch my step in the shower and see my kids through the eyes of grace. These minor annoyances will someday be fond memories.

October 15...6 months

2010-10-15T19:44:00.000-04:00

Today is worldwide Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. To tell you the truth, last October I had no idea such a day existed. This year, 6 months to the day our lives were touched by pregnancy loss we honor April by participating in the Wave of Light.

www.october15th.com

I am often asked how our kids have understood, or felt about the loss of a baby they never saw, and never got the chance to know.    I would say that as painful as it was for Dan and I, the kids have not had to feel the intensity of grief.   I thank the Lord for this.    We decided and were encouraged early on to be honest with our children about what had happened and to never close the conversation on April's existence.    Following the loss, I wanted to be strong and solid for them as a mother,   I was afraid my tears and emotional spirals would frighten them.   I knew the first day home that it was not business as usual.   I learned that hiding my emotions and pretending that everything was A.O.K was not going to benefit them as much as showing them the realness of sorrow,   and at the same time point their thoughts and hopes to the ONE who promises to restore our joy.

Looking back,   knowing that she was a girl, naming her and referring to her as their sister has been immensely healing for all of us.
It did not come naturally though.    I was hesitant to know her gender,   name her, and accept all the momentos that the hospital staff so lovingly provided.    All of these things made her life as it was, too real.   At that point all I wanted to do was forget the agony of the loss.   A name, momentos, it only reminded me of a life that was never meant to be on this earth.   It was simply too devastating.

But what was this teaching our children? Dan and I wanted, if anything for our kids to learn and grow through this experience. NOT to be left scared and confused with unanswered questions. In the months that followed each one of our kids in their own unique way as worked through their feelings. Joy loves to see the teeny, tiny baby gown and April's plaster footprints. Drew talks often about the memorial at the cemetery and requests to go back there (perhaps it is only to chase squirrels). Chase is intentional about including her when he talks about his "brothers and sisters". All three of them have expressed sadness about not being able to have her as a sister yet a curiosity about seeing her again someday.

I guess that is all I can hope for. That they have learned a life lesson--THE life lesson-- through this loss. The lessons that feelings are meant to be felt and communicated when needed, that life does include deep disappointment, and most of all that God's promises are true-- they can trust Him when things don't make sense-- He is the road to restoration and salvation!

the T-shirt.

2010-10-04T08:21:00.001-04:00

There is a T-shirt of mine hanging in the back corner of our closet.

It is one of my faves. I would have worn it all summer except for one thing...

I don't like to look at it.

So, you can see that wearing the shirt would force me to look at it and force me to think about the last 3 times I wore it.   Yes, I am that odd. I can remember the last three times I wore said T-shirt.

Well, even though you didn't ask, may I tell you about the last 3 times I wore the T-shirt that I don't like to think about, but like so much.

1. Back in March at a doctor's appointment when Dan and I heard April's heartbeat for the last time.

2. On Spring Break 2010 when we were in Florida having a marvelous time with our kids and our dear friends.

3. On April 13 in the Dr.'s office and subsequent ultrasound that confirmed our baby had passed away.

I remember burying that thing in the closet as far as it could go.   You might think I would just get rid of it altogether, but I haven't.   I had the grand idea of bringing it out into the daylight and wearing it the day I would tell Dan that I was pregnant again.   I wimped out.   It's a good thing too, because he said he wouldn't have remembered what I was wearing that dreadful day.   It is interesting how we both have individual things that we remember about that day.

My memory is strong and quirky and easily triggered. Sometimes this is an asset, other times I wish I could forget little details like T-shirts, songs, smells, dates, places, things people have said.

A T-shirt seems like such a non-issue, but it is representative of a greater struggle.

Trying not to push memories and feelings too far in the back corner of my mind's closet because they are too painful.   Trying to be brave and wear with joy the T-shirt (and perhaps this baby bump) without fear.

only 25 weeks to go! oh my, that is so many weeks!

my heart divided

2010-09-29T08:40:00.003-04:00

When I was still in the hospital last April 15, I completely exhaustedly cried to Dan, "I feel like the only thing that will ever take away this pain is becoming pregnant again" and having the 5th child that we dreamed of.   If I could be pregnant by April's due date,   wouldn't that be even better?!"

Desperate thoughts and prayers of a mother who wanted to catch up to where I thought I would be. Feelings of a mommy who would always feel that someone is missing.

Fast forward 5 months and my desperate plea became truth. Being pregnant again has brought about joy, hope and happiness, but not exactly in the way I thought it would when I spoke those words in the delivery room last spring.

I tend to keep the grief of April's death separate from the hope of the new life growing within.    Being pregnant again does not bring April back. I did not get to pick up where I left off at 17 weeks. I am starting over and frankly, that has been difficult. It sometimes feels like in order to keep April's life and that pregnancy remembered I need to keep her loss and this new life on two separate sides of my heart.   I have been reluctant to let this new pregnancy assist in joy's restoration. I have seen how this new pregnancy brings joy and delight to those around me. It somewhat fills the void for them.   For us, the void will always exist.

Recently, after I passed April's due date I began to think that maybe I should let the two lives intersect. Open up my mind to the fact that this new baby can be a part of what God is giving me to heal the pain of April's death.   I know that this baby will will not replace her, but allowing myself to really grab hold of this pregnancy sometimes feels like it pushes her significance to the side, or eventually to the far, far background of our memories.

my heart divided.

above the bridge

2010-09-25T10:14:00.001-04:00

This summer Dan and Chase and Grandpa Hopkins ventured to Canada on Chase's first fishing trip.
I am not sure how long ago this tradition started, but perhaps on and off for about 20 years.

I will admit Dan and I have a track record of procrastination. Included to waiting until the last second to get Chase a passport. The border patrol? laws have changed since my pops and brother went to Canada back in the day. Let's just say we were impatiently waiting at the mailbox in the days before the trip.

Chase did get his passport card... 2 days after he left. As it turns out, only his birth certificate was needed for this type of cross country adventure. I was so glad. I had visions of Chase sitting in some corner room somewhere with no snacks, waiting for me to come pick him up at the border while the rest of the fishing gang went on!

Isn't that just like God?

2010-09-24T13:54:00.001-04:00

I have something amazing to marvel at...

My due date for this pregnancy (March 28) is near or about precisely the date back in March of this year that our April passed away.

Isn't that just like God?

Let me say this... God's ways are not our ways, and I am not claiming to neatly tie up what still He wills for me-- but I sure love to ponder the significance certain dates have had for me during my child bearing years. 3 babies (Drew, Juliet & April) born/delivered on the same date. Joy born on my own 28th birthday. I would like to give Chase a birthday buddy to and have baby #6 born on his birthday (March 18), but perhaps that's getting a little nutz!

I am finding joy in this new life and in the significance of my new due date. Sometimes it is the simple things like this that are such a gifts!

Tell me...
do you have a cool story such as this? I would love to hear it!

a new hope.

2010-09-21T08:25:00.000-04:00

This is my first and hopefully last pregnancy after a loss.

Realistically speaking, gone is the giddy glee (is that redundant?) of being pregger. Gone are the days of just knowing that after the 40ish weeks of headaches, fatigue, hormonal chaos and weight gain will be a living, breathing blessing of a babe. I have joined millions of women who anxiously count the weeks with cautious optimism. Our last experience has convoluted my mind about the normal outcome of pregnancy.

This pregnancy didn't start out that way though. Back in July in the oh, so nasty dirty grocery store bathroom I saw that blue line turn into a plus sign! I intentionally looked up into the mirror and noticed something on my face I had not seen in awhile.

Hope.

In that moment, and it was brief, I felt the wonder and delight of knowing that a new life was forming within. I didn't think about heart defects, stillbirth and grief. I thought about the future. I thought about things like holding this rainbow baby, I felt joy. Perhaps I should have stayed in that bathroom longer.

I wish I could say that from there to here I have been confident and free of worry. The truth is the worry started to set in as I passed through the grocery store sliding doors. It increased as I drove back to the cottage. Panic rose as I sat through blood tests and ultrasounds. The pain of losing April in the second trimester is still so fresh. There are times my heart is consumed with fear at the possibility of going through that again.

I have to challenge what I feel with questions such as... "Is fear really what God desires for me?" and "Do I glorify Him while constantly worrying?"

The answers are no, and I don't.

...and the nagging thought..."Is all this worry a display of ingratitude or ultimately, sin in my life?"

So these days I try to balance the fear and the hope. Some days hope far outweighs. Other days fear and its cruel perpetrator seem to get the upper hand. I understand this to be normal, but I want to be back in the grocery store bathroom.

I want to look in the mirror and see that unadulterated hope in my face once more.

I believe this will be,

but feeling today that I'm traveling a new long and winding road...

and I am riding down it in grief's company car.

Flashback Friday

2010-09-17T17:37:00.000-04:00

Ask any mother you know.

She remembers the date(s) that her baby is/was due.

She remembers if they came early or late or for a few of us-- right on the money.

It is a day you count down to from the moment the stick turns positive.

It is the day you observe in agony when your baby passed away far too soon.

Today I have finally reached my due date for our 5th baby.
Today I think on all of them.

Chase D... due March 25, born March 18, 2000

Andrew J.D... due April 25, born April 15, 2002

Joy E... due March 10, born March 1, 2004

Juliet L... due April 15, born April 15, 2008

April... due September 17, born asleep April 15, 2010

.
.
.
.
.
.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Baby Dieleman #6 due March 28, 2011

With hope and trusting through our fears,

we pray that we will receive the gift
of a
healthy baby,
full of life.

Not to us, O LORD, not to us
but to your name be the glory,
because of your love and faithfulness.

Psalm 115:1

a long time coming.

2010-09-16T22:16:00.000-04:00

Nine months, or 40 weeks. However you want to count it, pregnancy is a slow process.

So is living out a phantom pregnancy as I have been doing for the last 5 months.

Tomorrow, I have finally reached the end. It seems significant, if only for my own heart.

My feelings are mixed to say the least. Since the moment I knew I lost April I yearned for this due date to come... I wanted it to be over with. Why? Because I wanted the future to arrive at my doorstep as a expedited special delivery.   I would open that package in and in it I would find healing and wholeness again.   You might say that I was wishing my life away.    It makes sense, right? If time heals, and God is faithful why wouldn't I want to be months farther along in my life?

Honestly, now that I've reached this due date the package at my doorstep is a big box of grief.    When I really let myself think about how this very night I could have been holding my living, healthy daughter my heart finds a new place to break. The difference between now and last spring is-- I let my heart break a little when it needs to because I know that God's amazing love will fill the cracks. I have learned this time and again over the long summer season that I wished so badly to skip through.

I guess that is what the last 23 weeks have been about. I had to live out this pregnancy each-and-every-minute-of-everyday-of-it to learn the things I have and to feel the pain I have-- and ultimately to experience first hand how true God's promises are!

I am weepy and weary tonight, but tomorrow is a new day!

John 16:20-22

²⁰I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. ²¹A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. ²²So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.

the wheels on the bus...

2010-09-07T16:25:00.000-04:00

go round and round. (you know you just sang that! )

The second day of school brought to the end of our driveway-- a school bus!!!

For the last 5 years I have carpooled the kids to school. It had its ups and downs.

This fall we had anticipated a newborn in the house and I had successfully lobbied Dan for our school's bus service so I wouldn't have to lug 5 kids out the door every morning. Out of the pure love and graciousness in his heart, he first gave me the go ahead on the bus when I was pregnant with April. Out of a even larger and more generous heart, the bus plan remained intact even though there is no newborn to care for this fall.

It is a gift that keeps on giving every single day and I am deeply grateful.
Here's a few pix from the first week o' school, now that it is in the history books.

waiting... waiting...waiting...

yes! it's finally here!

coming home much dirtier, germier, and smellier than when they left.

and of course, I can't forget about this rascal....

What? It's not about me?

2010-09-01T09:19:00.002-04:00

I've been so ticked at myself lately.

So many things I have desired to do in my process of healing after the loss of April, in April.

I remember scouring the internet, asking others for resources to help me through the pain of pregnancy loss and stillbirth.    I have these materials.   They sit in my nightstand, just ready to be read and learned from.

I am ticked because there they sit.   My predisposition to procrastination lives on even in my time of grief.   You would think I would have done everything possible so far to move past the pain of loss,   yet I have not.

So in the midst of being annoyed at myself again, for being me.   I took a step back to look at why I might not be doing these things I think will be so beneficial.

Oh, that's right.   I have 4 kids.   They were home all.summer.long.    They are needy, fun, beings that depended on me for meals, fun, and attention.

I have family, church and friend obligations.   Generally those things do not fade away during times of sadness--even when, at times I could barely bring myself to participate.

Ultimately, I am realizing that me, myself, and I am not solely responsible for my healing.

God is.

The way, shape, and form of the healing that He provides is not for me to determine.   My job is just to trust Him and go to Him. Yes, the books, blogs and studies I have in my nightstand can be tools-- but God is the One who will do the work.

Certainly, He has.   In ways I prayed for, in ways I never expected. Still the road continues.
It makes me glad to know that I don't have to heal myself or be surprised by joy.   I thank you Lord, for bringing me to this place!

Philippians 1:6 (Contemporary English Version)

God is the one who began this good work in you,

and I am certain

that he won't stop before it is complete

on the day that Christ Jesus returns.

Flashback(s) Friday

2010-08-27T17:15:00.000-04:00

family photos never before published here @ Mini-Van Mega-Fun!

church pic 2000

church pic 2004

fam pic 2002

Also, from deep in the archives...
a few of Dan and my engagement pix.

Observe the carefully planned coordinating outfits and perfectly set curls.
Notice the awkward posing. Very 1996.

Love is in the air!

country bumpkins go to the museum

2010-08-15T10:23:00.000-04:00

I realized this week that summer vacation is swiftly coming to an end. Our kids begin school before Labor Day (DON'T get me started on that) so i felt the need to pack in all kinds of summer goodness into 3 weeks.

You see, i spent a fair amount of the summer grieving our 5th baby, our unexpected pregnancy loss. I had resolved early in the summer break to try my best to balance grief and life with my 4 kids. And so we have outings. A couple weeks ago it was Krispy Kreme and Toys R Us (fairly harmless) and Tuesday we went to the Public Museum in good ol' downtown G-rap.

About 5 minutes in I realized that they would be my tour guide, and not the reverse. I had planned on taking a rather organized (as much as I am capable) stroll through the exhibits reading to them the detailed explanations and teaching them the history of our city and state. They had other intentions.

They zig zagged through the Old streets, and ran back out to the doll exhibit so the girls could have a tea party. They said that the furniture exhibit was "boring" but found great delight in the interactive Amway exhibit. It almost made me want to buy and sell Amway prods. :)

After a few free rides on the carousel, we crossed the Grand River and much to my kids delight they sipped on sodas from a local eatery. It was a beautifully hot day and I enjoyed watching them explore more than just our backyard and basement. Makes me a little sad that I didn't start these outings sooner than August.

Byron Days!

2010-08-09T14:35:00.000-04:00

I know, what is a Byron Day?   much less multiple days of Byron?

Well, let me explain.   Our dear friends live waaayy over in Byron Center.   For many a year they have told us about about the parade, the fireworks, the fun. This year they invited us to join them.

After a well deserved teasing about having never introduced our children to the joys of the hometown parade we sat curbside and eagerly accepted all the candy, political propaganda and business plugs that were given us.

the fellas

the gals

After lunch (which is no easy feat with 8 kids) and naps for some we meandered downtown to the park so the kids could experience all the bouncy fun 6 tickets would allow.

No, the fun does not stop there. Back home to the Dykstras for burgers and conversation while the kids ripsticked, track balled, and just had fun running in and out of the house.

The night ended with a spectacular fireworks show enjoyed by all but Juliet and Joy as evidenced by this photo--

Look closely at the girls trying to hide from the fireworks.

Joy was afraid she might get one in her eye!

Thank you Dykstras for inviting us and putting up with us all day long. I would say we are now your permanent Byron Days companions.

oh, we have a dog.

2010-08-04T09:48:00.001-04:00

Major summer event that I almost forgot to mention!

The kids have been asking for a dog for years. In 1997 Dan and I adopted a dog from Golden Retriever Rescue named Buddy. Actually his name was Josh, and we quickly renamed him. He was our first baby so to speak. We bought him treats, took him on play dates and spent a lot of time training him to be obedient. He was a great dog. He was big and shed so much but we looked past that. When he died in 2003 it was very sad. I'll never forget Dan's voice cracking through the tears on the other side of the phone.

Introducing Buddy to our baby Chase

Fast forward 13 years later. We had been promising Chase that when he turned 10, we would acquire another family dog. Circumstances are so different than in 1997. Now we have 4 kids. At the time Chase turned 10, I was pregnant. I didn't relish the thought of potty training a dog and a 2 year old when I was 8 months pregnant. And my tolerance for dog hair and large dog had declined significantly since our home began to fill with children and the certain messes they do make. What to do? Chase's last plea for a pet included the unconfirmed claim that "EVERYONE in my class has a dog except me!"

Life changed, plans changed and through a bunch of circumstances that worked out really nicely, we now have Zoe. A 5 year old Maltese/Shih tzu mix. She is small, doesn't shed and can be quite defiant ( you tell her to come here... she looks at you and runs the other way!) But she is lazy and is potty trained so most of the time that makes up for her disobedience.

with and without her

2010-08-03T15:57:00.003-04:00

It has been 15 weeks and 5 days.    I realize no one would know this but me, but today it feels right to do some remembering.

I remember when the my doctor told me "the baby measured at 15 weeks 5 days."    At the time I was 17 weeks and 4 days into my what had turned into a pregnancy loss.    Today I have been without her as long as she was with me.

How in the world did I carry this baby for 2 weeks and not know she had passed away?   What kind of mother was I?     The early days following April's delivery I writhed in pain at the thought.      Looking back, there were perhaps mild indications that the baby was not developing.

I remember how I was waiting and waiting to feel the first obvious sign of movement.

I remember thinking how I would enjoy traveling to and from Florida on Spring Break

feeling the baby flutter as all I had to do was sit on my butt in the van.

I remember laying in bed every night of Spring Break,

convincing myself that I had felt some type of movement. I did not.

I remember noticing that my maternity swimsuit had fit exactly as it had

when I tried it on 2 weeks prior.

I remember wondering about all these things

but not being overly worried or despaired.

I remember driving the 5-8am stretch of our road trip home. I was feeling extremely grateful for the week we had just had. I glanced over at Dan asleep holding a restless Juliet. I peered in the rearview mirror and saw the big 3 sprawled across the van trying to find comfortable sleep. I was hearing songs one after the other on an Indiana Christian radio station. The songs were not praise songs. They were songs of honest pain and surrendering our will. "hmm...sad songs" I thought to myself. One song in particular brought back a slew of thoughts. Specifically about a little baby named Hannah. What I heard on the radio that early morning was the song played at Hannah's funeral. I thought and remembered what her parents were claiming when they played the song with these lyrics:

It's all about you, Jesus.

And all this is for you,

for Your glory and Your fame.

It's not about me,

as if You should do things my way.

You alone are God and I surrender

to Your ways.

Not for the first time I thought to myself, would I be able to honestly speak those words if I had lost a baby?

All of these moments, and thoughts I've just shared when compiled together are, to me an obvious display of God protecting and yet preparing me.

Perhaps it seems like naivety or denial.   Perhaps it seems like I am grasping at some kind of neat explanation for the reality of what has happened. Perhaps I am over thinking.    Yes, it is a bit of all those things.

But remembering such as this keeps her alive .    Identifying and testifying to God's provision through it all is part of April's legacy.

Okay,   this post is getting disorganized. I also realize this blog has taken quite a serious and perhaps less entertaining turn in the past 3 months. Nevertheless, putting my thoughts down on virtual paper has been a major part of my moving forward.     To you reading this-- thank you so much for stopping by.   It is a desire of my heart that through telling my story , April's short life will have meaning far beyond what I can express.

pieces of joy ...continued

2010-08-02T22:46:00.001-04:00

picking up where I left off in the last post,

more wedding merriment...

Dan's sister Betsy and Nick were wed the following weekend in a ceremony and reception here on the Hill. A beautiful day it was as we witnessed them pledge themselves to God and each other. Each of the little nieces and nephews had a special role in the wedding.

It was pure joy to see Chase and Madison read the scripture during the ceremony.

Witnessing loved ones commit themselves to God and each other and celebrating under a big tent on the Hill = a piece of joy.

Payne Lake Vacay 2010

Nothing says summer quite like time at the lake. The little green cottage has been apart of my life since before I was born. :)

This year our week came following all of the wedding excitement.

Washing up in the lake with Grandpa Hopkins

every moment about that week =pieces of joy.

This is not to say that the entire month was painless. I have watched the bellies swell of pregnant friends. Even now sleep often eludes me and my thoughts force me to recount every moment of April's existence. I still find myself staring out windows or at the heavens and cry, thinking about what should have, could have been, and Lord-- what will be? ? ?

Joy is returning because God is guiding me to see through the grief. He has given me a very perceptive heart and lays upon me a sense of knowing when joy is present. I am so thankful for that. It started out as a matter of will to see the good that remained after April's death and delivery, now it comes more naturally. Adding together these pieces leads me to the realization that He is working. For me, restored joy isn't one major event or incident. It is an ongoing metamorphosis of my heart and mind.

pieces of joy.

2010-08-02T22:26:00.001-04:00

When I last left this blog I wanted to take a hiatus of sorts.   Well,   I did my best.   I may have popped up a time or two on the social networking scene. ;-)

July was a month filled with moments to celebrate and pieces of joy.    It feels good to say that.   I began the summer 2010 with words and feelings of lament.   At that time, what summer meant to me was just a countdown to a hopeless and no longer needed due date.    I remember thinking at one point "just get it over with, already!" Negativity and cynicism was etching its way into my attitude. I was sure this summer was going to be a complete and total bust.

I've prayed, I pray for restored joy.   In the beginning I kind of thought that one day I would wake up and joy in my life would triumphantly return, and in one fell swoop sadness would be wiped away. God hears and He delivers in ways only He can. Looking back on my short journey so far I see that evidences of joy returning.   It came in the form of choices I've made,   facing things that hurt, and above all God's workings.

As is my style, I tell my story through snapshots. Here is what hiatus was all about...

IKEA/Allegan Antique Fair

Hop in the diesel and ride where the wind takes us. In this case to IKEA and Allegan.

These ladies Jamie, Nat, & Cara have been so loving and supportive. They've walked with me every step of this road. They have listened to my story countless times, cried with me, prayed with me. This summer we have experienced quite a bit of fun together too as evidenced by the goodies found at Allegan antiques market.

These friends= pieces of joy

Aprils garden.

A few months back when we initially created and cultivated this garden I was excited. Excited only for it to bloom again next spring. I wanted to plant it and forget it until April 2011. In my mind a year from April's death would mean a full year of healing. Surely I would be in a better place next spring and summer.

As the weeks went by and I could see things begin to bloom and blossom I was pleased and sometimes tormented. The flowers were beautiful, but I wasn't supposed to be growing a memorial garden, I was supposed to be growing my baby. Even so, April's garden is a piece of joy.

Weddings

Summer is the season for weddings and we had 2 wedding weekends in a row! The first was a friends out in Spring Lake area. It was so nice to get out as adults. To eat, drink and be merry. A welcome change from crying, hurting, and questioning.

A quick jaunt to Pronto Pups between the wedding and reception!

A great night with my parents and siblings= a piece of joy.

more to come...

Hiatus.

2010-07-09T11:25:00.001-04:00

Today is already 9th of July, and it seems everyone is on vacation this time of year.

Last Sunday, following a particularly rough morning, I (my head and heart) needed to come to a screeching halt.   My sensitive husband knows how my sadness does ebb and flow so instinctively, he took care of after church lunch craziness and encouraged to me hole up in our bedroom for a few hours.

Wow. It was just what I needed.   I started thinking about why it might be necessary for me to disconnect for awhile.   One reason being, from the moment I awake in the morning, until God grants me sleep at night-- I think about a tiny baby girl. It doesn't go away during grocery shopping or pool swimming.   Grief sticks.   Sometimes distraction from it is much needed, sometimes all this distraction is just avoidance.

This summer in my mad rush to get to and through my pregnancy due date I've noticed that I am not intentionally taking a lot of time to be still and know. If truth falls into my lap, I might grasp at it. If Biblical inspiration comes to me, I'll certainly accept it. But, do I seek these things?

Should the very last thing I do each day really be the very first thing I do each day?

Do I take the time to really hear the Spirit's voice,   or am I busying myself too much in the effort to speed through this season?

Isn't it ironic that the faster I try to get this summer over with the slower it creeps along?

And what exactly do I think that reaching the Fall season will grant me?

As you can read, I have a head full of questions.   I think it best to take a bit of a hiatus-- a sabbatical, if you will from social networking and the like. Many folks did it for Lent. I'm doing if for the remainder of July.   Going under the radar as much as possible to exhale and refocus.

Chicken Coop part deux

2010-07-08T15:58:00.001-04:00

7 months later Dan's displaced chickens have a new and improved home.

Last summer she was a beauty:

Unfortunately, after the fire last January:

the contraption (um, eyesore) pictured above was their temporary home.

Over the last 3 months,

their lap of luxury is nearly complete.

Soon,
he will be
back in the
not-so-profitable
egg business.

for goodness sake. sometimes there are no words to explain a two year old.

Give me a hand.

2010-07-05T20:13:00.000-04:00

This was a Father's Day gift to Dan from me.
Ok, really more of a gift to me from me!
I purchased it from Etsy.com, but if you are skilled at embroidery, you could make this too. On paper I traced the hand of each of our children. I emailed the tracings and the creator added their initials, the year and a teeny, tiny hand in memory of April.

The road to restored joy is full of potholes.

2010-07-03T10:19:00.004-04:00

I suppose I wouldn't do the previous post justice without trying to describe God's hand in how I got here.

To be honest, well, I don't fully know. God's ways are deep and mysterious.

Something I do know is that I have held tight to a promise from the Bible. From what I understand it is a promise that Jesus speaks to His disciples prior to His death and ressurection.

I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy.

John 16:20 NIV

The world would rejoice while Jesus was crucified, and the disciples would grieve. But... their grief did turn to joy as Jesus so gloriously arose.

I know that others don't rejoice in our pain, but the devastating fact is that our pain is primarily-- our pain. I can't expect the folks around me to pause their lives until I can catch up with them and join their joyful existence.
To put it another way... while others' lives are moving along at the pace of summer, ours meanders on at more of a snail's pace while we grieve.

In the midst of this I fully believe that God will turn our grief to joy.   The daily challenge for me is surrendering my will and what I think God should do to dissolve my grief.

Holding onto this promise is only a part of what has sustained me in the last 11 weeks.   As I will list below, in both small and large ways there has been sustenance.

If you've read this blog for awhile, you know I like to make lists.    Identifying these things shows me God's hand in it all!

A phenomenal family physician.

Listening ears.

Music. Specific songs at very specific times. Ask me sometime, I'll tell you about it :)

This book--> I Will Carry You by Angie Smith

My small group ladies

Busy, Busy, Busy!!   Having 4 kids in the summer does not allow much time for downward spirals.

Writing a letter to our daughter

So I continue on this road, this summer with all of its figurative (and literal !) potholes.
Although sometimes I feel disoriented and that I may have missed a red light or two, my destination is sure and I will arrive there in God's timing.

how'd I get here?

2010-07-02T11:45:00.001-04:00

Have you ever had the experience where you are driving someplace and not fully focusing on the route?

You know, about a mile past an intersection you think to yourself, was that light really green... or was it red?

You are going through the motions of driving but not really aware of your surroundings?

You reach a certain point in the journey and think that you may have dozed off for a bit?

The route may be so familiar that you are pretty much on auto-pilot. You reach your destination safely, just as you assumed you would.

It is a weird feeling, right?
My last 11 weeks have kind of felt like that.

I'm in my metaphorical mini-van and driving down is the road of life after the loss. I've recently took a mental look back at the journey this far and thought,

How'd I get here? How did I get from the hospital room on April 15 to nearly ready to celebrate the pinnacle of summer--
the 4th of July !?

Surely I have grown more functional as the weeks went on, but it still does feel quite a bit like I am going through the motions of summer. Mother's day, Anniversary, Last day of school, Father's day, Vacation. All very familiar landmarks in my summer life but looking back on them I think,

Did I just run a red light?

Did I doze off for a bit?

Am I on auto-pilot?

How'd I get here?

I am learning that living with grief is just that-- living, but there is pain (the grief) that lies beneath the smiles and the laughter.

I believe and know that this will not always be.

Nonetheless, the road to restored joy is full of potholes.

more thoughts on how I did get here coming soon...
(like later tonight when I don't have kids begging me for snacks!)

Flashback Friday

2010-06-25T09:21:00.000-04:00

a decade ago.

Chase's Baptism day 6.21.00

Anatomy of a Father's Day photo...

2010-06-21T09:49:00.000-04:00

Should it really be this difficult to get a nice daddy's day photo?

Apparently, yes.

We had the same issues on Mother's Day.

In Honor of April

2010-06-19T00:08:00.004-04:00

This is a statue that resides at the cemetery where so many babies (including our daughter) are laid to rest. To me it is a representation of Jesus and a mother who has lost. You can see that her baby is safe in the arms of Jesus. He is looking at her, His presence full of loving comfort as she looks to Him for reassurance and peace.

Isaiah 40: 11

He tends his flock like a shepherd:
       He gathers the lambs in his arms
       and carries them close to his heart;
       he gently leads those that have young.

I always believed that God 's hand was guiding the decisions that we made while we were in the hospital. Tough decisions about memorial services, burial, and autopsy. And looking back, wow. we were just in a state of shock. We had incredible peace at that time, and I am thankful for that. But in all honesty that peace turned to quite a bit of restlessness in the weeks following April's home going to Heaven. I struggled with regret. I thought that if I could do it over I would change this or that. It was a dark couple of weeks as I felt I had really not gone through the proper process in letting go of a loved one.

When losing a baby at this stage of pregnancy (17weeks) there is no rule, nothing is a given. For practical reasons we chose not to have a formal funeral and separate burial, as the hospital handled these matters in a respectful and appropriate way. Nonetheless, we were left with many unresolved feelings. We had a growing desire to have a special service of sorts to honor the life that she was --although short and only inside me. In the typical death of a loved one there is a process I'm sure we have all experienced. For example, funeral home visitations, memorial service and graveside committal are all steps in the process for those left behind to feel some closure to the loved one's life. Dan and I felt a missing piece of this process since our loss of April.

Two months to the date that I delivered April, we gathered with our children, our pastor and our family to thank God for April. To glorify Him and to further our healing.

It was one of life's pure moments. There were many heavy hearts that day. Many of our loved ones that stood there in support of us also brought their own pain of loss. How sadly beautiful it is when one has a heartache, we all share the tears. I then knew that the restlessness I felt in my heart was leading to this day. A day that hopefully fostered healing in more hearts than my own.

Perhaps this seems unusual considering the time that has past and that we seem to be doing much better than the early days. While there is some truth to that-- God has started the long road to healing our broken hearts, it is still very much real and devastating to us. We can put a smile on our faces most of the time, because we have extreme joys in our lives as well, but the underlying sadness is ever present.

Truly, it wasn't all sad. When you bring 4 kids to a cemetery for the first time, there is bound to be comic relief. Certainly it was true of our kids that day.

Take this photo for example:

Joy is picking her nose, Drew is eating Cheez-its, Juliet is up to no good in my purse, and of all the emotional responses possible at the time-- I am smiling?! My precious blessings!!

I'll never, ever forget so many things about that afternoon here are a few for the memory books...

Juliet's rain boots.

Ross's words.

Lord's Day 1 of the Heidelberg Catechism Q & A

My husband's tears.

The flowers that the Grandmothers brought.
Pastor Scott keeping an eye on Juliet

(for all she knew, she was at a playground)

Singing through tears, How Can I Keep From Singing Your Praise?

SURELY THE PRESENCE OF THE LORD WAS IN THIS PLACE.

If these shoes could talk

2010-06-08T22:37:00.000-04:00

First Day of School August 31, 2009

Last Day of School June 9, 2010

(objects are much more destroyed than they appear)

Tomorrow is the last day.
I predict the kids will jump out of bed as they did only one other time this year--the first day of school.

What is a sweet time for my kids is a bittersweet accomplishment for me.
They have worked so hard to complete Kindergarten, Second, and Fourth grades respectively. I have worked hard at wishing they wouldn't grow up so fast. It is not that I don't want my children to become teenagers and ultimately adults, I just so enjoy them as is. On the verge of it all.

To prove that my thoughts don't change all that much over the years, I dug up this post from the archives. Oh my. They didn't stay little.

Most of the melancholy feeling toward summer break comes from the fact that the next 14 weeks will not be what we hoped they would.

There will be no back to school baby.

This summer was going to mean washing and sorting baby clothes, rearranging bedroom assignments and staying up way too late searching for the perfect baby name.
It was supposed to send Dan to McDonalds to calm my late night ice cream cravings.

I had planned on plopping my round self in a raft in the lake or pool and feel my little one wiggle around as I lay there enjoying all that is summer vacation.

These are dreams I am gradually letting go of.

As much as I want to wallow this rainy night. I choose to change gears. I don't want to ruin my kids' summer while I grieve. They deserve a momma that is present.

I will do the cottage thing, the pool thing, the park dates and all the rest.
I will sleep in and buy them ice cream and go camping.
I will finish projects we've always wanted to start.
I will live summer 2010 in hope.

School's out. Happy Summer all.

Flashback Friday... 1995 much?

2010-06-04T13:46:00.001-04:00

Found this oldie but goodie last night.

Nothing says 1995 like oversized plaid shirts from Abercrombie & Fitch (Dan's) or your father's closet (mine),
This pic was snapped mere weeks after Dan & I started dating. I wish I could remember what we bought each other for Christmas that year. Maybe it was more plaid button down shirts. :)

I absolutely love browsing my photo archives, please bear with me!

This pic was snapped on our anniversary a couple weeks ago.

Clearly, we have aged.

Coming to a mailbox near you...

2010-06-03T23:55:00.003-04:00

or your email box, or a Facebook message, or a face to face message:

an expression of our gratitude.

Perhaps it is no surprise that I like to talk (small talk-- not so much. rather, large-deep- real conversation).

I wish I could sit over coffee and talk with every single one of you that has reached out to us through spoken words, prayers, meals, cards, emails, messages, gifts, phone calls, hugs, handshakes, blog comments and visits in the last 7 weeks.

I would tell you that I (we) are not alone. Do you know how many parents have walked this road we travel?

I would tell you that I am blessed to live in a generation that allows me to grieve, to feel, to share, to question and not have to know the all answers.

I would tell you that I am not over this loss, but that is OK, I won't ever be-- and that is OK too.

I would tell you that I fumble under the weight of this pain everyday and still want my dreams--my will fulfilled, not God's. Even still His mercies are new every morning.

I would tell you that there is only One who can take you from holding your lifeless baby in your hands --to finding hope and joy in anything else again.

I would ask you to continue to pray.

I would tell you through my crocodile tears and swelled heart-- THANKS Be to You!

Every expression of love we have received has indeed brought us closer to the healing we seek.

Now... off to find a pen and that stack of Thank-You cards...this could be a long night... :)

Oh, the places I took her. (part two)

2010-06-02T21:30:00.001-04:00

Picking up where I left off in the last post...

February is the shortest calendar month but it felt like the longest for me. Dan was working out of state for most of the month but I kept myself going, thinking that if I could make it to March 1 (my and Joy's Birthdays) I would be past the first 12 weeks of pregnancy, and I would be home freeee! Free from migraines, free from fatigue, free from worry (because statistically speaking there is only a 3 percent likelihood of miscarriages after 12 weeks)

March brought about my 34th and Joy's 6th Birthdays.

We celebrate every year together.

Every year I rejoice that she was born on my birthday--WHAT A GIFT!

Chase turned Double Digits! How is it that we have a 10 year old already???!!!

We lived in happy anticipation as March moved on through. Dan finished the Ohio job and was able to go to my 13.5 week Doctor appointment where we heard our baby's heartbeat for the last time. Other moments to treasure in March included:

wearing maternity clothes (for me, one of the best things about pregnancy--really!)

thinking about baby names,

being convinced I was carrying a boy (wrong!)

anxiously waiting for that first flutter of movement from inside.

I will always wonder if I ever truly felt April moving. Even if I didn't, she was with me everyday, as she always will be.

Thanks for joining me on this walk down memory lane.

"Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything." James 1:2-4

Oh, the places I took her...

2010-06-01T21:41:00.001-04:00

I was given 17 weeks and 6 days to carry April.    I learned I was pregnant on January 15, and she was born asleep on April 15.   For those 3 months that I knew she was with me and we had a really good time together.

I thought I would fill in the gap that I left in my blog from February 7 to April 13.   I didn't have a blog post once during that time period, and I really feel a need today to document our family life during the time we anticipated our precious baby, for it was the only time she was here with us this side of Heaven.

Before I even knew she was growing, we took April to Great Wolf Lodge with all of her Hopkins cousins and Grandparents.

We enjoyed surprising Daddy that his hope and dream for a 5th child was going to happen. I remember so clearly the reaction that Dan had. He was excited, while I was very unsure about what having a family of 7 really meant. I was scared but felt that we had been given a precious gift. God answered the prayers we had prayed last fall as to if our family was complete.
The very next day, we ice skated as a family up at Mom & John's. I clearly remember skating around the rink with my new found secret growing inside. Dan was especially giddy that day, but only the two of us knew why.

The weeks went by and at 8 weeks we decided to tell our family and friends that Baby Dieleman #5 was on his or her way!! I was fortunate to have an early ultrasound at 10 weeks and this is the precious picture I have as a forever keepsake. I'll never forget that harried morning with Joy and Juliet in the ultrasound room with me. I left there feeling extremely blessed and still in awe that I was truly pregnant again!

Off next to New York City!! The trip had been planned since December, but being pregnant made it a bit more eventful when traveling by plane and NYC cab. After many a nauseous moment, I had a fantastic time with Jamie & Katie, Dana and company...

We rounded out February with a Hopkins cousins party hosted by Ron & Cheryl. We had a great time catching up with them and sharing the joy of our pregnancy.

To be continued with March happenings...

Some things never change...

2010-05-31T09:55:00.000-04:00

May 29, 2008 Dan & Juliet

May 28, 2010 Dan & Juliet

Mini-Van Mega-Fun!

does she know?

year 6.

New Year Dawning.

Let me Hold you Longer.

now what do I do?

what is up.

my Lil' Homemaker.

How's the grief?

Miracles Happen.

O Perfect Love

this is the stuff

Mom's Last Ride (now with pics)

Challenged

Little Things.

looking back on the summer that is !!

a snapshot of life these days

Please Pray.

streamline my space !!

2 months + , say it ain't so!

first day/last day. with 178 in between

captured the moment

We Do, God Helping Us.

Prayers for a Precious One

one last hurrah. (a long lost blog post!)

April's Garden 2011

9 years. 3 years. 1 year.

3 weeks old-- surviving and thriving.

A birth story, in photos.

Her Story Begins.

Flashback Friday/ Our Big kid is 11 !!

11 months ago...

the crib in the corner and her memory on the wall

jealous, much?

"to the joy that's coming"

Feeling the Love

proof my kids will fight about ANYTHING !

the final countdown.

26But Jesus replied, "Why are you so afraid?

You surely don't have much faith."

Then he got up and ordered the wind and the waves to calm down. And everything was calm.

So, as a kind of declaration of independence from fear I say, that come what may, God will restore me.God will display his power whatever the circumstance!God will be near me every hour.Moving forward in faith. 49 some days to go!

Flashback Friday-- fridge fotos edition

it seemed like a good idea...

What's new? not much.

summer dreaming...

everything rides on hope.

holiday highlights

belated Merry Christmas!

Not what I once was.

Philippians 1:6 NIV

being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

a new treasure on the tree.

a new gratitude.

Thoughts on this Thanksgiving Eve

For the love of Barney.

my new old chair

honesty, honestly.

It's a Gal !!

days without incident

Barbies and Legos in MY shower...

October 15...6 months

the T-shirt.

my heart divided

above the bridge

Isn't that just like God?

a new hope.

Flashback Friday

a long time coming.

the wheels on the bus...

What? It's not about me?

Philippians 1:6 (Contemporary English Version)

Flashback(s) Friday

country bumpkins go to the museum

Byron Days!

oh, we have a dog.

with and without her

pieces of joy ...continued

pieces of joy.

Hiatus.

²⁶But Jesus replied, "Why are you so afraid?

So, as a kind of declaration of independence from fear I say, that come what may,

God will restore me.
God will display his power whatever the circumstance!
God will be near me every hour.

Moving forward in faith. 49 some days to go!