Spring Break 2010

I neglected to blog about Spring Break.   Too bad really, it was a a wonderful vacation.   We had anticipated this week for months and when the day finally came we left 9 hours late because I was sick.    Really we left  9 hours and 20 minutes late because I made Dan turn around to get my swimsuit.    Honestly,  who forgets a swimsuit for a Spring Break trip?

Tonight I thought I would count my blessings... you know,  name them one by one. 

1. This Guy.   

2. These boys.

3.  These gals.

4. These Friends.

 5. These smiles.

 6.  Barney :) and traveling mercies.

7. This beauty

 8. This baby bump.

This is the only photo I have of my pregnancy with April.   Little did we know that exactly one week from the night this photo was taken,  we would be in a hospital room preparing to meet her far too soon.   Dan and I have talked often about what a gift the Spring Break trip was.  A gift in every sense of the word.    We had a (mostly) carefree week with beautiful weather and the company of precious friends.   

Honestly, my  heart hurts when I see this photo.  The unknowing smile on my face,  the glee of it all. Although April had already met her maker,  we did not yet know this.   Our family was blessed with a Spring Break  chock full of memories and we will always feel that she was with us during this special time.   

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will keep singing as the days go by.

Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your many blessings, see what God hath done. 

of Drain-o and Dryer sheets (updated)

I woke up Saturday morning and it was already May.

What is always absolutely by far my favorite time of the year has been somewhat tainted.  This year I didn't notice the changing of the grass to green or the bare trees to lush leaves.    I didn't run outside on the first 80 degree day and feel the sunlight on my face.    (well, except for Spring Break in Florida... but that is another post for a different day)

Even though I didn't take special note of spring unfolding,  it happened anyway.  

"As long as the earth endures, seedtime and harvest, cold and heat, 

summer and winter, day and night will never cease."  Genesis 8:22

While Dan and I were at the hospital following April's delivery I was fearful.   Afraid of how to live my life with this kind of pain.   I desperately wanted the world to stop until I was healed and my joy was restored.    I could not imagine going back to my mini-van/ mega-fun life,  I wasn't sure I wanted to.   So many things seemed trivial to me in the wake of our loss.  

Well, as many know and I am learning, the earth endures,  time doesn't stop.   I have muddled through the last 3 weeks and healing is ever so slowly starting to take root.    That truth was quite real to me the Sunday evening when I found myself out in the world (Target).

Reviewing the list of items needed, among other things was Drain-o and Dryer sheets.    It doesn't get more regular life than this, I thought to myself.   I just said an unbearable good-bye to our daughter and the dreams for a life she would have--and I am sitting here buying Drain-o for a clogged sink!   

Drain-o  and dryer sheets describes what I am trying to balance this week an beyond.  Just what is a healthy return to daily life without pushing down the pain too far?      A balancing act I feel I cannot master.   Just when I think I can go outside and breathe in the spring air,  I find in the mailbox an invitation to the memorial service for stillborn babies.   Ouch.   Reality.  Grief.

But I digress,   Back at Target I  filled the cart with household needs and went on with hope that the ability to go on with my regular life will, in small ways will help me heal and in time my joy will be restored.

There is an endless song

Echoes in my soul

I hear the music ring

And though the storms may come
I am holding on
To the rock I cling

How can I keep from singing Your praise
How can I ever say enough
How amazing is Your love!

I will lift my eyes
In the darkest night
For I know my Savior lives

And I will walk with You
Knowing You'll see me through
And sing the songs You give.

Chris Tomlin-- How Can I Keep From Singing?

How can I keep from Singing His Praise?

Good Days and Bad.

I've noticed that a string of good days (or sometimes just hours) of truly peaceful moments  are always laced with a few bad days or moments in which I feel that I need to force my heart to beat.

From what I've read in my  how-to  books on grieving,   that is exactly the grueling process.

It has been 2 weeks since we first set eyes on our daughter and had to say goodbye.   Since then I have found solace in  many things:

my husband's arms

music 

scripture 

prayers 

hugs from loved ones. 

and especially in staying inside my Home.Sweet.Home.

This week my deep struggle is getting back to regularly scheduled life and its devastating realities:

I am not pregnant anymore.  Even though my heart still counts the weeks.

We do not have our April in our arms,  we do not hear her newborn cry.

Dan is fully back to work,  and I miss him in a whole new way.

All the day to day doings of normal  life have not slowed.    

Grieving and crying out in pain for our loss doesn't always 

find its way into the schedule however much I need it to.

We have 4 kids that need us,  we can't crawl under the covers and sleep the day away.  We have a full life to live and the only way to do the work of grief is to continue on its crooked road.

Next stop... God's House.  I haven't been to church in awhile.  My heart longs to be there but my spirit is frail.    Finding comfort in God's word tonight...

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. 

Matthew 11:28 (NLT)

 5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

6 in all your ways acknowledge him,

and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6

My womb is empty, but my arms are Full !!

The most beautiful thing  happened today.
I need to share it so I remember it when I am feeling dark and sorrowful.  

Just moments ago,  grief was overtaking me.   Sometimes  I turn on some music,  to right my soul.   I clicked into my iTunes and chose  Blessed Be The Name.


My little 2yd old came running in from the living room and asked to be lifted up.  So we danced,  I sang.  I cried through the phrase "You give and take away"   and  "My heart will choose to say... Lord, Blessed be Your Name.  

In that moment dancing in the kitchen I am choosing to say---

Not being able to keep April with us here on earth is excruciating--  but God is good. 

I don't and will not completely understand why we were given the hope of another child,  only to have it end so suddenly--     but hope endures.  

You give and take away,  but my heart will choose to say,  Lord Blessed be Your Name.

Perhaps music doesn't move you like it does me, 

but as Juliet and I were dancing,  

and I was singing loudly-- 

she fell asleep.  

In my arms.     

(this never happens, by the way)

In the midst of all the musical emotional chaos, 

I felt the heaviness of a sleeping toddler in my arms.   

Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name.

 

3 Translations, 1 Truth.

A new week has dawned,  and life is going on.   Please continue to lift us up in prayer as we petition God for the peace that passes all understanding.   

 

Philippians 4:7 (Contemporary English Version)

Then, because you belong to Christ Jesus, God will bless you with peace that no one can completely understand. And this peace will control the way you think and feel.

 

Philippians 4:7 (New International Version)

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:7 (The Message)

 ^6-7Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

Naming Our Baby Girl.

The hospital staff told us that there is no rule book for moving through pregnancy loss,  and the delivering of a stillborn baby.  

We had so many questions and felt unable to make clear decisions.  We just prayed that what we did to get us through the experience was lead by the hand of God.   

This week, among other things,  we have struggled deeply with the desire to formally name our daughter.   We did not have a name on our hearts when we first saw her,   but this week God gave me a name.    We want to be able to remember her as a part of our family,  and not refer to her as just "the baby"
I carried her,  we held her teeny tiny body in our arms,  she was a gift for 17 all too short weeks.   

It was extremely difficult for me to come to terms with the fact that she was to be born on April 15.    The date that two of our children had already joined the family.     I am trying to stop wondering why it had to be that way,   and accept that April 15 will always be a special day of celebration and remembrance.    

Years ago I began my blog to share the journey of our family,  and not just the highlights.
It has recently allowed the opportunity to share our sorrows,   and help us begin to heal. 

April Dieleman

April 15, 2010

4:12am

8"long  &  3.7oz.

 She will always be remembered and deeply loved.

Wonderfully Made.

pieces of joy

a card from my daughter Joy today...
an absolute treasure.      

This is Love.

Happy Birthday Drew & Juliet!!!

While Dan & I were unable to celebrate at home the birthdays of Dewey and Juliet,    our dear friends and family came together to make their birthday a special day dedicated to them.

My heart swells with how much this meant to me.   I was torn that day.     Holding our 5th child,  yearning for her life and yet wanting to hold, hug, and sing to the 2 children I had given birth to on that very date 2 and 8 years ago.  

Knowing we weren't able to give the kids the birthday party they deserved,   God moved in the hearts of our friends and family to  make it happen in the most memorable way.

Please rejoice in the photos that I have to share from the party.

 

A ride home from Mr. Bird and a SURPRISE party!!

The whole gang in the garage.

Juliet needs a little help from Big brother Chase to blow out her candles.

8 years old

2 years old,  and a little unsure about all the excitement.  

Indescribable Pain, Indescribable Peace

Yesterday I didn't think I would utter another word on this blog. 

Ever.

I had been struggling with blogging, Facebook, and how much of myself was out there for the world to know.  I  had been wanting to take back some of my privacy and was figuring out how best to do so.

The experiences of this week puts my thoughts, my whole life in a new perspective.

Last night,  as we returned home from our hospital stay,   we were welcomed by so many emails, text messages , cards,  and  phone calls.  Loving expression of encouragement, love and sympathy.
I am left feeling so unimaginably grateful for this outpouring.     We felt your prayers,  we felt God's presence.   I may not have known this comfort if I had not taken the simple step of doing something normal and seemingly unnecessary as checking my email,  and Facebook.    Social networking and blogging was starting to seem to me as as a worldy distraction,   but I realized today,  it  has blessed us beyond measure.

Every word we have received from our friends,  family, community and even people I hardly know well has brought us closer to the peace we seek.    Thank you,  Thank you all.

I am still me,  and I want to share my thoughts and thanks.   For today,  it helps.

An update to our story...

With my loving husband at my side ,

I delivered our 5th child,  a daughter  April 15 at 4:12a.m.

We had extremely loving doctors at our side,  who I know were placed there by God to help us through.   She was precious and so very tiny,   weighing not even 1 pound.    We held her,  we gazed at her,  we love her.

She was already with Jesus.

We did not officially name her since we had no names even chosen at this early time.    I didn't want to randomly  give the baby a name I didn't love.     While we didn't yet know if she was boy or girl,    I had nicknames in mind  "Little Shelly"  or "Little Danny"   because he or she was a part of us.

Truly, I don't know exactly how to live my life after this kind of loss and feeling this sadness,  but we will.

God will make a way,
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way, He will make a way.

I begin this post the with nearly the same sentiment as the previous post.

I  don't  credit destiny,  luck,  fate or any other foolish rationale for what I learned about my future yesterday in the ultrasound room.

I believe in God's Providence.  

I trust His provision.


Please pray for us today and in the months to come.   We will be traveling a road never before taken, and we aren't quite sure how to navigate.

Since I announced my pregnancy via Blog,   I  decided to use a post share the pregnancy loss.

That's all for now.

One Dollar Well Spent.

I  don't  credit destiny,  luck,  fate or any other foolish rationale for what I learned about my future that day in the church bathroom.

I believe in God's Providence.  

I trust his Provision.

I stand,  I stand in awe of Him.


A few weeks back,   on a chilly January day I thought I needed an answer.    We had prayed for an answer,   to a question,  THE question Dan and I had been asking ourselves and God for many months.  

It  seemed to me that  some other couples had an easy time knowing when their quiver was full.    I envied their decisiveness.    Why,  were we so reluctant to call our family complete?  

The TFR (total fertility rate) for Americans is 2.09 in 2006.  
That puts us at 1.91 more kids than the national average.   

Oh, and let's not forget,  the economy is in the toilet,    the pressures of a single income home,   feeling real parental inadequacies.

( I need to insert that I am not complaining here,  just stating the facts.)

Back to what I learned in the church bathroom.   That January day started with a nagging feeling that only a pregnancy test could quiet.    I decided to goto the local Dollar General and buy the cheapest one there.   One dollar later and I was on my way.   I thought I might wait until the next morning but somehow a minute later I was in the bathroom at my church  which was right next to the Dollar store,  with my screaming 1 1/2 year old.   I stared in somewhat disbelief as one line turned to two.     

One dollar had just changed our lives.

Okay,  the question begs to be asked...  Why, another child?  

Because God has given us one.
I've been  reading this verse to find truth and inspiration.

Psalm 127:3-5 (The Message)

^3-5 Don't you see that children are God's best gift?
      the fruit of the womb his generous legacy?
   Like a warrior's fistful of arrows
      are the children of a vigorous youth.
   Oh, how blessed are you parents,
      with your quivers full of children!
   Your enemies don't stand a chance against you;
      you'll sweep them right off your doorstep.

We accept this gift and pray for continued health, strength and development of the baby.  

this one's for the blog book.

I began this blog in February 2006, nearly 4 years ago!   It has seen its share of highs and lows,   interesting topics, and many chronicles of the mundane.       I was excited to come across a couple of websites that convert my (and yours) personal blog into a book that can be kept for a lifetime (just in case this whole internet thing doesn't stick around)


Blog2Print
or
Blurb

Not wanting to miss a moment for the blog book archive,  I'm adding  photo highlights from the last month or so.  

Chase played in a YMCA Basketball league, 

We cheered our heads off when he scored his first basket.

Christmas dinner with the ladies.

ummm...

Forced Christmas photo...

and yet another.

 

Uncle John is the Best!!

 

Uncle Danno got a new hat for Christmas!

and Chase got Flash Cards ?!  Just what every kids wants.

This child will not look at the camera,  but she's cute anyway. 

More to come...

Cinderella @ the Civic

 
Prior to Christmas,  Mom H. invited Joy and I to see Cinderella at the Civic Theatre!
For Joy , It was an event as highly anticipated as Christmas morning.   For me,  it was a special treat to spend the night with just with my mom and my eldest daughter.  

Thank you Mom!!!

Run for your Life !!!

Coop fire 2010.


Poor Dan.    All the the energy and excitement he put into building the chicken coop all went up in flames this morning.

They will live to lay another egg.

 

I think someone needs a hug.   seriously.

the Greenway's water station --still intact !!

We are very thankful that it is a calm winter day  (not the middle of the night),

that Katie spotted the fire in it's early minutes,

that Dan was home to extinguish the flame ,

that nothing else caught fire.

but now... where to house the survivors?

Merry Christmas.

A Christmas Haiku

This child of mine,

Found her own unwrapped present.

Christmas day is now.

 

a reason to celebrate!

Last Friday we had a wonderful opportunity to celebrate with friends the 10th anniversary of Josh and Jamie. 

A surprise planned by Joshy B.  went off nearly flawlessly.  

Here's a group pic. and a few others from the evening.   I wish I had more,  but I still can't quite figure out the camera that I've had for 3 years.

Happy Anniversary J & J !!!

Thanks for a fab night out!

I will give you one guess as to what these two were discussing.

 

Looking good VDs !   You're up next, right? 

Tis the Season for impulse buys...

There are three reasons I shop online.

1.   Free shipping,  and if not,  it still beats finding a parking spot and waiting  with 2-4 kids in the checkout line.

2.   Home delivery.   The brown box on the front door step = check one more gift of the shopping list.

3.   Drastic reduction of impulse shopping.   See it.  Think I need it.  Buy it.


Having said that,  I have ventured out to the local Target a time or two.   My latest and hopefully last impulse buy are the following Christmas stockings,,,

Oh the kids were even more excited than I was.  Will they still be excited when all they receive in their stockings is a chapstick because I've already spent too much money ??

Shrinking the Circle.

I enjoy watching the new TV show -- The Middle.   Some of the truths in an episode usually make me chuckle.  Being middle class in the midwest is somewhat of a unique existence.   Unique, and often bizarre to those who didn't grow up here,  or haven't visited it for an extended amount of time.     We have our own way ( much unbeknownst to ourselves) about doing just about everything.     That could be a blog post in and of itself.     Let me suffice it to say, that   compared to the other pockets of the USA,  the middle is more than just  geography.   

Many of us are born, raised, and remain in the middle.    This isn't necessarily a bad thing.   Famiiies/friends that live close to one another have a certain advantage when it comes to being involved in each others lives.   If you share a driveway with your parents,  you will  know them,  and they you.     If you live 2000 miles apart,  time together is much more of a challenge.   If you have had the same friend since you were toddlers, and now the two of you have toddlers who are friends,  there is amazing blessing in that.    I will never argue that God  does great things right where we are.   But are we just a titch too cozy?   Is all the overlap between school, church, work, hobbies, family-- shrinking the circle?

Do we want our circle to expand?   Do we even see the need for our circle to expand?   

It doesn't matter where you live,  urban, rural, suburban, west coast, midwest, east coast,  Canada.   The question i ask myself and you,  are we increasing our territory, or is the circle shrinking?

Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, "Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain." And God granted his request" (1 Chronicles 4:9-10).

this ain't Green Acres.

do I really need to look up from my kitchen table to see this creature about to peck at the window?
This chicken thing may have just gone too far...

Hotel Excursion '09

What do you do in the midwest when the kids are on a school break just as  weather turns a bit foul?

You take them to a hotel with a swimming pool.   You let them eat junk food and stay up later than usual.  You all sleep in the same room and pray for daylight.

Last year we ventured to Splash Universe in fabulous Indiana,  this year we kept it local.

Here's the thing;  Dan was already gone out west on a pheasant hunting trip.   I promsied the kids that we would go stay a night in a hotel and it seemed like a good idea at the time.  Just me and the 4 kids.  What could go wrong? 

I saw the look of concern on mother's face when she said good-bye to us for the night.   I will admit.   I don't always think things through.    I often leap into something without thinking of the downside.   As the door closed and Mom went on home it wasn't the first time I felt a little nervous about this adventure.    The first time was when I (briefly) lost Juliet.  She slithered out an open door and took off down the hall as fast as her little feet would take her.    The second time was when she fell face first in the kiddie pool,  cause I was keeping an eye on Chase.   I quickly snatched her up, crisis averted.    The third time was soon to come when we were all laying in bed and from about 9:15 to 9:30 it was a chorus of sneezing, coughing, crying, and yes, farting.  

Normally, Mom would have stayed with me overnight  to help me maintain control,  but thankfully she had just recovered from pneumonia and sleeping (or not sleeping well) at a hotel was not what the doctor ordered.     I convinced her I had it under control,  that the kids were getting more and more independent,  that the night would be smooth sailing.  

Believe it or not,  once the kids fell asleep and the riff-raff out in the hallway settled down   the night was great.    Breakfast was hot in the morning, and we had time to take one more dip in the pool.   All  that was missing was Daddy!