I often miss April. What her life would have been.
Below is a summary of the blessing and life that was Our April.
Links to specific posts are colored in green.
On January 15, 2010 I learned (in our church's bathroom) that we were to be blessed as parents once again! I was pregnant with our 5th baby due September 17, 2010.
On April 13, 2010 I went to a routine Dr. appointment and was shocked to learn that our baby had no longer a heartbeat and had passed away in utero. I had just passed the 17 week mark. Due to the stage of pregnancy completed our doctor recommended induction and delivery. Medically termed a Miscarriage, for us it felt and was a Stillbirth.
I delivered "April" at 4:12 a.m. April 15, 2010.
She shares a birthday with her older brother and sister.
We learned that April died of a combination of congenital heart and abdominal defects. My hospital stay was less than 24 hours when I delivered her and it left us heart broken and completely unclosed.
The days weeks and months following the the delivery were a road I had never walked. We longed for a kind of closure that is hard to achieve when you experience a second trimester pregnancy loss. With the wise counsel of our pastor and loved ones we held a small and perfect memorial for our baby. I was able to write a letter for that service and also used this blog to record and express myself. It was such an important tool during that time. I had to learn how to grieve, communicate, relate to others, and hope once again.
A loved one once wrote me these words, and they carry in my heart always...
"You may be asking if God would take your child in order to teach you something. I don't believe that! Yes, you will learn many things through this experience, but those are results - not the reasons why you've been given this sorrow. God has promised to bring good out of the pain, not to eliminate it from our lives."
I questioned God, I felt His presence. I cried to the Lord for comfort, He supplied my need. I learned a new kind of empathy. I experienced community. I have new confidence when facing trials. All these things (and more) are results of enduring that sorrow. While I tried my best to be patient for his revelation, God wowed us with a new pregnancy and our precious daughter, Naomi April.
My testimony will always be that God Greatly Loves, He Is Good. He brought good out of our pain, and not just the because He blessed us with Naomi. He gave me joy in the suffering and greater than all of this is the ultimate healing He's given though Christ, His Son.