April's Garden

A few weeks back Dan and I were sitting at the dining room table and he said he had been thinking about creating a garden...  April's garden.   I loved that he came up with the idea.

I missed most of the month of April when everything on earth was coming to life.    I couldn't see the beauty of spring through my tears and swollen eyes.    Dan suggested that we make a garden that would include spring blooms such as tulips, daffodils, and other spring bloomers.  So next year in April 2011,  we could have something beautiful for our eyes to see while we remember the sadness of our loss. 

Yesterday that thought became action.   We took the kids to the greenhouse and had them each pick out a perrennial that would bloom each year.   They took special care in choosing their plant for April's garden.   Each one choosing a plant of a different color.

Dan and I choose a tree that would bloom pink flowers in early April.  The tree,  is named Pink Princess.   Joy thought it was particularly appropriate,  Drew was annoyed that is was pink.   So typical.

A most precious piece in the garden is the stone adorned with a mosaic pattern (pictured above).   A gift from our dear friends the VanDams.  Thank you so much! --It is will be a lifelong treasure. 

I look forward to spring 2011 for so many reasons... this garden is one of them.

remembering Hannah.

A year ago,  the beautiful, short life of an infant in our church taught me so much about God's sovereignty,  about trusting when things just don't make sense,  and ultimately a stirring began in my heart.

Through no set of coincidences but rather God's workings I was privileged and devastated to see deep inside her parents grief following her passing.   I was profoundly inspired yet somewhat confused while witnessing them praise the name of Jesus in the midst of extreme pain.

The whole experience changed me.  

I truly believe it was no accident that God had our lives intertwine for that brief period.   Perhaps the One who knew I would I be mourning the loss of a daughter in that very same hospital a year later was preparing my heart.

Please don't get me wrong here.    God is God,  and I am not.   I am not claiming that the death of one precious life was meant to help me process my own loss.  I am just saying that I will not limit what the Holy Spirit can do and is doing!   I dare say it excites me,  does it you?

Thinking of  Hannah, April and all the Glory babies this Memorial weekend...

Brokenhearted Love.

In years past I used to pop in on the blogs of other mothers that were journaling their experience with pregnancy loss/stillbirth.    I say "pop in" because their stories were so hard to hear that I couldn't read too far in without wanting to stop.    I could only imagine their pain as I sat there with my house full of children.  In reality I could not get my heart to the place of true empathy because I had not been in their shoes,  I could only offer sympathy.   Now we find ourselves on the sad and disorienting other side.  Now I am one of those moms...

I am aware that we are not the first family to lose a baby,  but it can be awkward nonetheless for people who don't know what or if they should talk to me about it.    Maybe they think I would rather not think or talk about our loss.     To those I want to say... "have you met me?"    "I started talking about my feelings when I was less than a year old and haven't stopped talking since!"   (ha-ha,  a little joke there)  The truth is I will openly talk about our loss.  It helps to be given the opportunity to share and hopefully throughout it all --glorify God.   Pretty much everywhere I go now I have to kick the elephant out of the room,   'cuz who really wants him there anyway?

I once told my sister I would like a T-shirt that says: 

"Don't feel awkward around me,  I would love to talk with you and share my story"   
" It's OK if I cry"    "It's OK if I don't cry"
"I am still Chelle,  just a changed Chelle,  come over and let's share a smile or a tear"

I guess all that wouldn't fit on a T-shirt.  Shoot. 

Many people  however are not afraid to address the awkwardness head on,  and folks,  Thank you for that.    There is this wonderful gift called brokenhearted love that I am learning all about. We have felt this,  and we have felt far less than it.    If you would like to learn more, click the link.   I couldn't have explained it better myself-- really I could not have-- she nails it.

to celebrate the eve of our 13th anniversary...

The 1997 family cruise photo

Happy 13th Dan!  May God bless us with a lifetime of anniversaries together!

my cup overflows

Joy and Juliet draw and color all day long.   Yesterday she gave me this drawing and told me, "Mom,  my cup overflows."

Oh my goodness did I need that reminder,  cuz' some days I am just not feeling it.

Does anyone know where I could get this printed on a coffee cup?

One Day I Will Testify!

It's not a big secret if you know me.

For 34 years my existence on God's earth has been an easy ride.

I have known this.   I have, in the stillness of my soul thanked God for the great gifts in my life.   I tried not to,   but have failed in taking much for granted.

I have mourned with those who mourned,  watched loved ones walk through dark valleys,  and questioned why, Lord?   how much pain and disappointment can one person take?

During our current season of sadness and pain,  I am naturally more introspective and nostalgic.    Most of my adult life I have had a sense of underlying dread.   It would increase as I walked alongside or observed loved ones going through trials and pain.
 

I would wonder... is my turn coming?  

Every life will see its share of storms,  is mine approaching?

Could  I handle this kind of pain?"  

Would my faith be strong?  or would I ultimately dissolve to bitterness and cynicism?

Not being absolutely sure that I could trust God to bring me to and through a dark valley and still praise His name was a heaviness in my heart I could not shake.   I preferred to keep things comfortable,  and for my life to chug along smoothly according to my desires and dreams.   

But really, what kind of life did I have?   Happy,  but not peaceful.    Blessed, but not confident.

In the words shared with me by a loved one---

You may be asking if God would take your child in order to teach you something. I don't believe that! Yes, you will learn many things through this experience, but those are results - not the reasons why you've been given this sorrow. God has promised to bring good out of the pain, not to eliminate it from our lives.

Those words spoke to my heart because I was starting to think that God allowed April to pass away so I would learn a hard lesson in dependance and surrender.   I am learning  these things,  but they are the results not the reasons.    I can never fully know what God is working through my pregnancy and death of our daughter,  but I do know that one day I will testify!

One day I will be able to look back and tell the beautiful history of how choosing to not let bitterness envelop me, but rather choosing to know...

 "that circumstances will define neither God's love for us nor our love for God."   

Angie Smith,  author of  "I Will Carry You"

To be continued someday with stories of peace and confidence...

4 weeks ago...

I now feel like my life has been put on a specific timeline.    If I were to draw it up on a piece of paper i would mark the events, grief,  and pieces of joy along the way.  My timeline would also include a picture of a heavy cloud over it all that slowly dissipates. 

A timeline that began on April 13 in the Doctor's office.  There I  lay terrified and shocked that our Doctor could not detect fetal heart tones --- to 48hrs. later in the hospital parking ramp where I was wheeled  mere minutes after passing our lifeless baby girl to the nurse.

Since those pure and precious 48 hours I have a sense of urgency about reaching the end of this particular timeline yet fully realizing the true end is when I see April again in Glory!   As for the meanwhile,  I pray I can stop thinking about life in numbers.    4 weeks since we said goodbye to April...  22 weeks pregnant I should be..  due date...  what will life be like 52 weeks from now...

Thinking and living life that way can be too consuming and too painful.    

God wants me to fully rely and trust Him day after day after day,  

especially when I am all consumed with the timeline.

Lamentations 3:22-23,   

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
       for his compassions never fail.

  They are new every morning;
       great is your faithfulness.

We believe His promise in Matthew 5:4,   we have lived it.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

4 weeks ago we were fearful at the thought of living our lives with this type of pain and loss,   but God has made a way.  He will continue to mark the events,  grief,  and pieces of joy along this timeline.   

Although I can still see the cloud,  I rest in this comfort tonight.  
  

Anatomy of a Mother's Day photo...

Should it really be this difficult to get a nice mommy's day photo?

Apparently, yes.

Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow!

Spring Break 2010

I neglected to blog about Spring Break.   Too bad really, it was a a wonderful vacation.   We had anticipated this week for months and when the day finally came we left 9 hours late because I was sick.    Really we left  9 hours and 20 minutes late because I made Dan turn around to get my swimsuit.    Honestly,  who forgets a swimsuit for a Spring Break trip?

Tonight I thought I would count my blessings... you know,  name them one by one. 

1. This Guy.   

2. These boys.

3.  These gals.

4. These Friends.

 5. These smiles.

 6.  Barney :) and traveling mercies.

7. This beauty

 8. This baby bump.

This is the only photo I have of my pregnancy with April.   Little did we know that exactly one week from the night this photo was taken,  we would be in a hospital room preparing to meet her far too soon.   Dan and I have talked often about what a gift the Spring Break trip was.  A gift in every sense of the word.    We had a (mostly) carefree week with beautiful weather and the company of precious friends.   

Honestly, my  heart hurts when I see this photo.  The unknowing smile on my face,  the glee of it all. Although April had already met her maker,  we did not yet know this.   Our family was blessed with a Spring Break  chock full of memories and we will always feel that she was with us during this special time.   

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will keep singing as the days go by.

Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your many blessings, see what God hath done. 

of Drain-o and Dryer sheets (updated)

I woke up Saturday morning and it was already May.

What is always absolutely by far my favorite time of the year has been somewhat tainted.  This year I didn't notice the changing of the grass to green or the bare trees to lush leaves.    I didn't run outside on the first 80 degree day and feel the sunlight on my face.    (well, except for Spring Break in Florida... but that is another post for a different day)

Even though I didn't take special note of spring unfolding,  it happened anyway.  

"As long as the earth endures, seedtime and harvest, cold and heat, 

summer and winter, day and night will never cease."  Genesis 8:22

While Dan and I were at the hospital following April's delivery I was fearful.   Afraid of how to live my life with this kind of pain.   I desperately wanted the world to stop until I was healed and my joy was restored.    I could not imagine going back to my mini-van/ mega-fun life,  I wasn't sure I wanted to.   So many things seemed trivial to me in the wake of our loss.  

Well, as many know and I am learning, the earth endures,  time doesn't stop.   I have muddled through the last 3 weeks and healing is ever so slowly starting to take root.    That truth was quite real to me the Sunday evening when I found myself out in the world (Target).

Reviewing the list of items needed, among other things was Drain-o and Dryer sheets.    It doesn't get more regular life than this, I thought to myself.   I just said an unbearable good-bye to our daughter and the dreams for a life she would have--and I am sitting here buying Drain-o for a clogged sink!   

Drain-o  and dryer sheets describes what I am trying to balance this week an beyond.  Just what is a healthy return to daily life without pushing down the pain too far?      A balancing act I feel I cannot master.   Just when I think I can go outside and breathe in the spring air,  I find in the mailbox an invitation to the memorial service for stillborn babies.   Ouch.   Reality.  Grief.

But I digress,   Back at Target I  filled the cart with household needs and went on with hope that the ability to go on with my regular life will, in small ways will help me heal and in time my joy will be restored.

There is an endless song

Echoes in my soul

I hear the music ring

And though the storms may come
I am holding on
To the rock I cling

How can I keep from singing Your praise
How can I ever say enough
How amazing is Your love!

I will lift my eyes
In the darkest night
For I know my Savior lives

And I will walk with You
Knowing You'll see me through
And sing the songs You give.

Chris Tomlin-- How Can I Keep From Singing?

How can I keep from Singing His Praise?

Good Days and Bad.

I've noticed that a string of good days (or sometimes just hours) of truly peaceful moments  are always laced with a few bad days or moments in which I feel that I need to force my heart to beat.

From what I've read in my  how-to  books on grieving,   that is exactly the grueling process.

It has been 2 weeks since we first set eyes on our daughter and had to say goodbye.   Since then I have found solace in  many things:

my husband's arms

music 

scripture 

prayers 

hugs from loved ones. 

and especially in staying inside my Home.Sweet.Home.

This week my deep struggle is getting back to regularly scheduled life and its devastating realities:

I am not pregnant anymore.  Even though my heart still counts the weeks.

We do not have our April in our arms,  we do not hear her newborn cry.

Dan is fully back to work,  and I miss him in a whole new way.

All the day to day doings of normal  life have not slowed.    

Grieving and crying out in pain for our loss doesn't always 

find its way into the schedule however much I need it to.

We have 4 kids that need us,  we can't crawl under the covers and sleep the day away.  We have a full life to live and the only way to do the work of grief is to continue on its crooked road.

Next stop... God's House.  I haven't been to church in awhile.  My heart longs to be there but my spirit is frail.    Finding comfort in God's word tonight...

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. 

Matthew 11:28 (NLT)

 5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

6 in all your ways acknowledge him,

and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6

My womb is empty, but my arms are Full !!

The most beautiful thing  happened today.
I need to share it so I remember it when I am feeling dark and sorrowful.  

Just moments ago,  grief was overtaking me.   Sometimes  I turn on some music,  to right my soul.   I clicked into my iTunes and chose  Blessed Be The Name.


My little 2yd old came running in from the living room and asked to be lifted up.  So we danced,  I sang.  I cried through the phrase "You give and take away"   and  "My heart will choose to say... Lord, Blessed be Your Name.  

In that moment dancing in the kitchen I am choosing to say---

Not being able to keep April with us here on earth is excruciating--  but God is good. 

I don't and will not completely understand why we were given the hope of another child,  only to have it end so suddenly--     but hope endures.  

You give and take away,  but my heart will choose to say,  Lord Blessed be Your Name.

Perhaps music doesn't move you like it does me, 

but as Juliet and I were dancing,  

and I was singing loudly-- 

she fell asleep.  

In my arms.     

(this never happens, by the way)

In the midst of all the musical emotional chaos, 

I felt the heaviness of a sleeping toddler in my arms.   

Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name.

 

3 Translations, 1 Truth.

A new week has dawned,  and life is going on.   Please continue to lift us up in prayer as we petition God for the peace that passes all understanding.   

 

Philippians 4:7 (Contemporary English Version)

Then, because you belong to Christ Jesus, God will bless you with peace that no one can completely understand. And this peace will control the way you think and feel.

 

Philippians 4:7 (New International Version)

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:7 (The Message)

 ^6-7Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

Naming Our Baby Girl.

The hospital staff told us that there is no rule book for moving through pregnancy loss,  and the delivering of a stillborn baby.  

We had so many questions and felt unable to make clear decisions.  We just prayed that what we did to get us through the experience was lead by the hand of God.   

This week, among other things,  we have struggled deeply with the desire to formally name our daughter.   We did not have a name on our hearts when we first saw her,   but this week God gave me a name.    We want to be able to remember her as a part of our family,  and not refer to her as just "the baby"
I carried her,  we held her teeny tiny body in our arms,  she was a gift for 17 all too short weeks.   

It was extremely difficult for me to come to terms with the fact that she was to be born on April 15.    The date that two of our children had already joined the family.     I am trying to stop wondering why it had to be that way,   and accept that April 15 will always be a special day of celebration and remembrance.    

Years ago I began my blog to share the journey of our family,  and not just the highlights.
It has recently allowed the opportunity to share our sorrows,   and help us begin to heal. 

April Dieleman

April 15, 2010

4:12am

8"long  &  3.7oz.

 She will always be remembered and deeply loved.

Wonderfully Made.

pieces of joy

a card from my daughter Joy today...
an absolute treasure.      

This is Love.

Happy Birthday Drew & Juliet!!!

While Dan & I were unable to celebrate at home the birthdays of Dewey and Juliet,    our dear friends and family came together to make their birthday a special day dedicated to them.

My heart swells with how much this meant to me.   I was torn that day.     Holding our 5th child,  yearning for her life and yet wanting to hold, hug, and sing to the 2 children I had given birth to on that very date 2 and 8 years ago.  

Knowing we weren't able to give the kids the birthday party they deserved,   God moved in the hearts of our friends and family to  make it happen in the most memorable way.

Please rejoice in the photos that I have to share from the party.

 

A ride home from Mr. Bird and a SURPRISE party!!

The whole gang in the garage.

Juliet needs a little help from Big brother Chase to blow out her candles.

8 years old

2 years old,  and a little unsure about all the excitement.  

Indescribable Pain, Indescribable Peace

Yesterday I didn't think I would utter another word on this blog. 

Ever.

I had been struggling with blogging, Facebook, and how much of myself was out there for the world to know.  I  had been wanting to take back some of my privacy and was figuring out how best to do so.

The experiences of this week puts my thoughts, my whole life in a new perspective.

Last night,  as we returned home from our hospital stay,   we were welcomed by so many emails, text messages , cards,  and  phone calls.  Loving expression of encouragement, love and sympathy.
I am left feeling so unimaginably grateful for this outpouring.     We felt your prayers,  we felt God's presence.   I may not have known this comfort if I had not taken the simple step of doing something normal and seemingly unnecessary as checking my email,  and Facebook.    Social networking and blogging was starting to seem to me as as a worldy distraction,   but I realized today,  it  has blessed us beyond measure.

Every word we have received from our friends,  family, community and even people I hardly know well has brought us closer to the peace we seek.    Thank you,  Thank you all.

I am still me,  and I want to share my thoughts and thanks.   For today,  it helps.

An update to our story...

With my loving husband at my side ,

I delivered our 5th child,  a daughter  April 15 at 4:12a.m.

We had extremely loving doctors at our side,  who I know were placed there by God to help us through.   She was precious and so very tiny,   weighing not even 1 pound.    We held her,  we gazed at her,  we love her.

She was already with Jesus.

We did not officially name her since we had no names even chosen at this early time.    I didn't want to randomly  give the baby a name I didn't love.     While we didn't yet know if she was boy or girl,    I had nicknames in mind  "Little Shelly"  or "Little Danny"   because he or she was a part of us.

Truly, I don't know exactly how to live my life after this kind of loss and feeling this sadness,  but we will.

God will make a way,
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way, He will make a way.

I begin this post the with nearly the same sentiment as the previous post.

I  don't  credit destiny,  luck,  fate or any other foolish rationale for what I learned about my future yesterday in the ultrasound room.

I believe in God's Providence.  

I trust His provision.


Please pray for us today and in the months to come.   We will be traveling a road never before taken, and we aren't quite sure how to navigate.

Since I announced my pregnancy via Blog,   I  decided to use a post share the pregnancy loss.

That's all for now.

One Dollar Well Spent.

I  don't  credit destiny,  luck,  fate or any other foolish rationale for what I learned about my future that day in the church bathroom.

I believe in God's Providence.  

I trust his Provision.

I stand,  I stand in awe of Him.


A few weeks back,   on a chilly January day I thought I needed an answer.    We had prayed for an answer,   to a question,  THE question Dan and I had been asking ourselves and God for many months.  

It  seemed to me that  some other couples had an easy time knowing when their quiver was full.    I envied their decisiveness.    Why,  were we so reluctant to call our family complete?  

The TFR (total fertility rate) for Americans is 2.09 in 2006.  
That puts us at 1.91 more kids than the national average.   

Oh, and let's not forget,  the economy is in the toilet,    the pressures of a single income home,   feeling real parental inadequacies.

( I need to insert that I am not complaining here,  just stating the facts.)

Back to what I learned in the church bathroom.   That January day started with a nagging feeling that only a pregnancy test could quiet.    I decided to goto the local Dollar General and buy the cheapest one there.   One dollar later and I was on my way.   I thought I might wait until the next morning but somehow a minute later I was in the bathroom at my church  which was right next to the Dollar store,  with my screaming 1 1/2 year old.   I stared in somewhat disbelief as one line turned to two.     

One dollar had just changed our lives.

Okay,  the question begs to be asked...  Why, another child?  

Because God has given us one.
I've been  reading this verse to find truth and inspiration.

Psalm 127:3-5 (The Message)

^3-5 Don't you see that children are God's best gift?
      the fruit of the womb his generous legacy?
   Like a warrior's fistful of arrows
      are the children of a vigorous youth.
   Oh, how blessed are you parents,
      with your quivers full of children!
   Your enemies don't stand a chance against you;
      you'll sweep them right off your doorstep.

We accept this gift and pray for continued health, strength and development of the baby.  

this one's for the blog book.

I began this blog in February 2006, nearly 4 years ago!   It has seen its share of highs and lows,   interesting topics, and many chronicles of the mundane.       I was excited to come across a couple of websites that convert my (and yours) personal blog into a book that can be kept for a lifetime (just in case this whole internet thing doesn't stick around)


Blog2Print
or
Blurb

Not wanting to miss a moment for the blog book archive,  I'm adding  photo highlights from the last month or so.  

Chase played in a YMCA Basketball league, 

We cheered our heads off when he scored his first basket.

Christmas dinner with the ladies.

ummm...

Forced Christmas photo...

and yet another.

 

Uncle John is the Best!!

 

Uncle Danno got a new hat for Christmas!

and Chase got Flash Cards ?!  Just what every kids wants.

This child will not look at the camera,  but she's cute anyway. 

More to come...

Cinderella @ the Civic

 
Prior to Christmas,  Mom H. invited Joy and I to see Cinderella at the Civic Theatre!
For Joy , It was an event as highly anticipated as Christmas morning.   For me,  it was a special treat to spend the night with just with my mom and my eldest daughter.  

Thank you Mom!!!

Run for your Life !!!

Coop fire 2010.


Poor Dan.    All the the energy and excitement he put into building the chicken coop all went up in flames this morning.

They will live to lay another egg.

 

I think someone needs a hug.   seriously.

the Greenway's water station --still intact !!

We are very thankful that it is a calm winter day  (not the middle of the night),

that Katie spotted the fire in it's early minutes,

that Dan was home to extinguish the flame ,

that nothing else caught fire.

but now... where to house the survivors?