Tuesday, December 31, 2013

of pride, humility, irony, grace. just all of it.

It's kind of a family joke that us Hopkins have a good sized egos.    We like to call it a healthy self confidence... perhaps too healthy.   Is that possible?


When your ego (or mine in this case) gets too confident it quickly and lastingly turns into pride.
Isn't that one of the seven deadly sins?


I think over the last year I've let pride get a strong grip on me.
From my view I was managing life pretty well.

5 kids?--  I've got this.
Husband working a lot?-- not a problem,   I'm used to it.
Meaningful service at church?  -- check.
Social life?-- blessing upon blessing.
Healthy grieving following the loss of our baby April?  -- Thank you, Lord.  Yes.

When things are calm and life steadily rolls,  pride sneaks in.   I begin to think that every move I make,  every word I speak is all good,   all right,  all according to God's plan.

I wholeheartedly believe that truth,  that of God's sovereign will,  His plan,  His purpose.   Each high and low and middle ground I experience is part of this.

Here's the thing,  though.  God created me with free will.  So when I make mistakes,  or let's call them what they often are -- Sin,  that is on me.

After hurting a long time friend last year through a series of prideful actions I am learning just how hidden my ego and pride are to me.   This has caused me to be largely silent here at the blog but also because I started to think that writing here seemed like a big fat brag and I needed to shut-up.   
Here are MY thoughts...
Hey - check out MY kids!!
Look how I have MY life put together.

I wondered if this blog, much like Facebook is only another avenue for self promotion and it made me uneasy.  Not because I am a private person (I'm not) but because who in the world am I to say anything at all?

I often have a skewed attitude and no perspective
I make judgements.  On people,  situations,  and anything else I can form an opinion about. 
I consider myself responsible to change others,  outcomes,  and situations.

It all reeks of pride.
Could I be more fallible? 

Yes.  Here's how...

As I read more teachings on humility and pride  I see the irony and twisted humility I possess to even write about this struggle.    Knowing this,  should I never introspect?   Perhaps I should just shut down the blog and deactivate my Facebook.    I'm not clear yet what God is calling me to do, but I am searching.

I read this quote from Tim Keller last week and found inspiration to complete this post.   You see,  I started writing it months ago and was stuck every time I tried to finish.
I felt I couldn't complete the blog post until I had nicely put this pride struggle in the lesson-learned-never-to-repeat compartment.   I'm realizing now-- that compartment has a revolving door.  

In this New Year I pray for God's Grace and His Spirit to fill me more and more.  

Let true humility reign.   
Keep my ego in the right balance.  
Gratitude,  always gratitude. 

The Radical Humility of Jesus