Byron Days!

I know,  what is a Byron Day?   much less multiple days of Byron?

Well,  let me explain.   Our dear friends live waaayy over in Byron Center.   For many a year they have told us about about the parade,  the fireworks,  the fun.  This year they invited us to join them. 

After a well deserved teasing about having never introduced our children to the joys of the hometown parade we sat curbside and eagerly accepted all the candy,  political propaganda and business plugs that were given us.   

the fellas

the gals

After lunch (which is no easy feat with 8 kids)  and naps for some we meandered downtown to the park so the kids could experience all the bouncy fun 6 tickets would allow.  

No,  the fun does not stop there.    Back home to the Dykstras for burgers and conversation while the kids ripsticked,  track balled,  and just had fun running in and out of the house.  

The night ended with a spectacular fireworks show enjoyed by all but Juliet and Joy as evidenced by this  photo--

 Look closely at the girls trying to hide from the fireworks. 

Joy was afraid she might get one in her eye!

Thank you Dykstras for inviting us and putting up with us all day long.   I would say we are now your permanent Byron Days companions.

oh, we have a dog.

Major summer event that I almost forgot to mention!

The kids have been asking for a dog for years.   In 1997 Dan and I adopted a dog from Golden Retriever Rescue named Buddy.  Actually his name was Josh,  and we quickly renamed him.   He was our first baby so to speak.    We bought him treats,  took him on play dates and spent a lot of time training him to be obedient.    He was a great dog.  He was big and shed so much but we looked past that.   When he died in 2003 it was very sad.  I'll never forget Dan's voice cracking through the tears on the other side of the phone.  

Introducing Buddy to our baby Chase

Fast forward 13 years later.  We had been promising Chase that when he turned 10,  we would acquire another family dog.   Circumstances are so different than in 1997.   Now we have 4 kids.  At the time Chase turned 10,  I was pregnant.   I didn't relish the thought of potty training a dog and a 2 year old when I was 8 months pregnant.   And my tolerance for dog hair and large dog had declined significantly since our home began to fill with children and the certain messes they do make.   What to do?   Chase's last plea for a pet included the unconfirmed claim that "EVERYONE in my class has a dog except me!"

Life changed,  plans changed and through a bunch of circumstances that worked out really nicely,   we now have Zoe.    A  5 year old Maltese/Shih tzu mix.   She is small,  doesn't shed and can be quite defiant ( you tell her to come here... she looks at you and runs the other way!)   But she is lazy and is potty trained so most of the time that makes up for her disobedience.

with and without her

It has been 15 weeks and 5 days.    I realize no one would know this but me,  but today it feels right to do some remembering.     

I remember when the my doctor told me  "the baby measured at 15 weeks 5 days."    At the time I was 17 weeks and 4 days into my what had turned into a pregnancy loss.    Today I have been without her as long as she was with me.

How in the world did I carry this baby for 2 weeks and not know she had passed away?   What kind of mother was I?     The early days following April's delivery I writhed in pain at the thought.      Looking back,  there were perhaps mild indications that the baby was not developing.

I remember how I was waiting  and waiting to feel the first obvious sign of movement.  

I remember thinking how I would enjoy traveling to and from Florida on Spring Break 

feeling the baby flutter as all I had to do was sit on my butt in the van. 

I remember laying in bed every night of Spring Break,  

convincing myself that I had felt some type of movement.    I did not.

I remember noticing that my maternity swimsuit had fit exactly as it had 

when I tried it on 2 weeks prior.  

I remember wondering about all these things 

but not being overly worried or despaired.

I remember driving the 5-8am stretch of our road trip home.   I was feeling extremely grateful for the week we had just had.   I glanced over at Dan asleep holding a restless Juliet.  I peered in the rearview mirror and saw the big 3 sprawled across the van trying to find comfortable sleep.      I was hearing songs one after the other on an Indiana Christian radio station.   The songs were not praise songs.  They were songs of honest pain and surrendering our will.    "hmm...sad songs"  I thought to myself.    One song in particular brought back a slew of thoughts.  Specifically about a little baby named Hannah.   What I heard on the radio that early morning  was the song played at Hannah's funeral.    I thought and remembered what her parents were claiming when they played the song with these lyrics:

It's all about you, Jesus.

And all this is for you,

for Your glory and Your fame.

It's not about me,

as if You should do things my way.

You alone are God and I surrender

to Your ways.

Not for the first time I thought to myself,  would I be able to honestly speak those words if I had lost a baby?

All of these moments, and thoughts I've just shared  when compiled together are, to me an obvious display of God protecting and yet preparing me.   

Perhaps it seems like naivety or denial.   Perhaps it seems like I am grasping at some kind of neat explanation for the reality of what has happened.   Perhaps I am over thinking.    Yes,  it is a bit of all those things.     

But remembering such as this keeps her alive .    Identifying  and testifying to God's provision through  it all is part of April's legacy.

Okay,   this post is getting disorganized.   I also realize this blog has taken quite a serious and perhaps less entertaining turn in the past 3 months.  Nevertheless,  putting my thoughts down on virtual paper has been a major part of my moving forward.     To you reading this-- thank you so much for stopping by.   It is a desire of my heart that through telling my story ,  April's short life will have meaning far beyond what I can express.  

pieces of joy ...continued

picking up where I left off in the last post,

more wedding merriment...

Dan's sister Betsy and Nick were wed the following weekend in a ceremony and reception here on the Hill.   A beautiful day it was as we witnessed them pledge themselves to God and each other.   Each of the little nieces and nephews had a special role in the wedding.

It was pure joy to see Chase and Madison read the scripture during the ceremony.

Witnessing loved ones commit themselves to God and each other and celebrating under a big tent on the Hill = a piece of joy.

Payne Lake Vacay 2010

Nothing says summer quite like time at the lake.   The little green cottage has been apart of my life since before I was born. :)  

 This year our week came following all of the wedding excitement.

Washing up in the lake with Grandpa Hopkins

 every moment about that week =pieces of joy.

This is not to say that the entire month was painless.   I have watched the bellies swell of pregnant friends.    Even now sleep often eludes me and my thoughts force me to recount every moment of April's existence.    I still find myself staring out windows or at the heavens and cry,  thinking about what should have,   could have been,  and Lord-- what will be? ? ?

Joy is returning because God is guiding me to see through the grief.   He has given me a very perceptive heart and lays upon me a sense of knowing when joy is present.   I am so thankful for that.   It started out as a matter of will to see the good that remained after April's death and delivery,  now it comes more naturally.    Adding together these pieces leads me to the realization that He is working.    For me,  restored joy isn't one major event or incident.  It is an ongoing metamorphosis of my heart and mind.

pieces of joy.

When I last left this blog I wanted to take a hiatus of sorts.   Well,   I did my best.   I may have popped up a time or two on the social networking scene.  ;-)

July was a month filled with moments to celebrate and pieces of joy.    It feels good to say that.   I began the summer 2010 with words and feelings of lament.   At that time,  what summer meant to me was just a countdown to a hopeless and no longer needed due date.    I remember thinking at one point  "just get it over with,  already!"  Negativity and cynicism was etching its way into my attitude.  I was sure this summer was going to be a complete and total bust. 

I've prayed,  I pray for restored joy.   In the beginning I kind of thought that one day I would wake up and joy in my life would triumphantly return,  and in one fell swoop sadness would be wiped away.   God hears and He delivers in ways only He can.  Looking  back on my short journey so far I see that evidences of joy returning.   It came in the form of choices I've made,   facing things that hurt,  and above all God's workings.

As is my style,  I tell my story through snapshots.    Here is what hiatus was all about...

IKEA/Allegan Antique Fair

Hop in the diesel and ride where the wind takes us.   In this case to IKEA and Allegan.

These ladies  Jamie, Nat, & Cara have been so loving and supportive. They've walked with me every step of this road.   They have listened to my story countless times,  cried with me,  prayed with me.  This summer we have experienced quite a bit of fun together too as evidenced by the goodies found at Allegan antiques market.

These friends= pieces of joy

Aprils garden.

A few months back when we initially created and cultivated this garden I was excited.   Excited only for it to bloom again next spring.   I wanted to plant it and forget it until  April 2011.   In my mind a year from April's death would mean a full year of healing.  Surely I would be in a better place next spring and summer.

As the weeks went by and I could see things begin to bloom and blossom I was pleased and sometimes tormented.   The flowers were beautiful,  but I wasn't supposed to be growing a memorial garden,  I was supposed to be growing  my baby.    Even so,  April's garden is a piece of joy.

Weddings

Summer is the season for weddings and  we had 2 wedding weekends in a row!  The first was a friends out in Spring Lake area.   It was so nice to get out as adults.  To eat, drink and be merry.  A welcome change from crying, hurting, and questioning.

A quick jaunt to Pronto Pups between the wedding and reception!

A great night with my parents and siblings= a piece of joy.

more to come...

Hiatus.

Today is already 9th of July, and it seems everyone is on vacation this time of year.

Last Sunday,  following a particularly rough morning,  I (my head and heart) needed to come to a screeching halt.   My sensitive husband knows how my sadness does ebb and flow so instinctively,  he took care of after church lunch craziness and encouraged to me hole up in our bedroom for a few hours.   

Wow.  It was just what I needed.   I started thinking about why it might be necessary for me to disconnect for awhile.   One reason being,  from the moment I awake in the morning,  until God grants me sleep at night-- I think about a tiny baby girl.   It doesn't go away during grocery shopping or pool swimming.   Grief sticks.   Sometimes distraction from it is much needed,  sometimes all this distraction is just avoidance.   

This summer in my mad rush to get to and through my pregnancy due date I've noticed that I am not intentionally taking a lot of time to be still and know.   If truth falls into my lap,  I might grasp at it.   If Biblical inspiration comes to me,  I'll certainly accept it.  But,  do I seek these things?

Should the very last thing I do each day really be the very first thing I do each day?

Do I take the time to really hear the Spirit's voice,   or am I busying myself too much in the effort to speed through this season?

Isn't it ironic that the faster I try to get this summer over with the slower it creeps along?

And what exactly do I think that reaching the Fall season will grant me?

As you can read,  I have a head full of questions.   I think it best to take a bit of a hiatus-- a sabbatical, if you will from social networking and the like.    Many folks did it for Lent.  I'm doing if for the remainder of July.   Going under the radar as much as possible to exhale and refocus. 

Chicken Coop part deux

7 months later Dan's displaced chickens have a new and improved home. 

Last summer she was a beauty:

Unfortunately, after the fire last January:

the contraption (um, eyesore) pictured above was their temporary home.



Over the last 3 months,

their lap of luxury is nearly complete.

Soon, 
he will be
back in the
not-so-profitable
egg business.

 for goodness sake.  sometimes there are no words to explain a two year old.

Give me a hand.

This was a Father's Day gift to Dan from me.  
Ok,  really more of a gift to me from me!  
I purchased it from Etsy.com,  but if you are skilled at embroidery, you could make this too.    On paper I traced the hand of each of our children.    I emailed the tracings and the creator added their initials,  the year and a teeny, tiny hand in memory of April.  

The road to restored joy is full of potholes.

I suppose I wouldn't do the previous post justice without trying to describe God's hand in how I got here.

To be honest, well, I don't fully know.   God's ways are deep and mysterious.

Something I do know is that  I have held tight to a promise from the Bible.   From what I understand it is a promise that Jesus speaks to His disciples prior to His death and ressurection.

I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. 

John 16:20 NIV

The world would rejoice while Jesus was crucified, and the disciples would grieve.  But... their grief did turn to joy as Jesus so gloriously arose.

I know that others don't rejoice in our pain,  but the devastating fact is that our pain is primarily-- our pain.  I can't expect the folks around me to pause their lives until I can catch up with them and join their joyful existence. 
To put it another way... while others' lives are moving along at the pace of summer,  ours meanders on at more of a snail's pace while we grieve. 

In the midst of this I fully believe that God will turn our grief to joy.   The daily challenge for me is surrendering my will and what I think God should do to dissolve my grief.

Holding onto this promise is only a part of what has sustained me in the last 11 weeks.   As I will list below,  in both small and large ways there has been sustenance.

If you've read this blog for awhile,  you know I like to make lists.    Identifying these things shows me God's hand in it all!

A phenomenal family physician.

Listening ears.

Music.  Specific songs at very specific times.  Ask me sometime, I'll tell you about it :)

This book--> I Will Carry You by Angie Smith

My small group ladies

Busy, Busy, Busy!!   Having 4 kids in the summer does not allow much time for downward spirals.

Writing a letter to our daughter

So I continue on this road,  this summer with all of its figurative (and literal !) potholes.
Although sometimes I feel disoriented and that I may have missed a red light or two,  my destination is sure and I will arrive there in God's timing.

how'd I get here?

Have you ever had the experience where you are driving someplace and not fully focusing on the route?

You know,  about a mile past an intersection you think to yourself,   was that light really green... or was it red? 

You are going through the motions of driving but not really aware of your surroundings?

You reach a certain point in the journey and think that you may have dozed off for a bit?

The route may be so familiar that you are pretty much on auto-pilot.  You reach your destination safely, just as you assumed you would.

It is a weird feeling, right?
My last 11 weeks have kind of felt like that.

I'm in my metaphorical mini-van and driving down is the road of life after the loss.   I've recently took a mental look back at the journey this far and thought,

How'd I get here? How did I get from the hospital room on April 15 to nearly ready to celebrate the pinnacle of summer-- 
the 4th of July !?

Surely I have grown more functional as the weeks went on, but it still does feel quite a bit like I am going through the motions of summer.    Mother's day,  Anniversary,  Last day of school, Father's day,  Vacation.  All very familiar landmarks in my summer life but looking back on them I think,   

Did I just run a red light? 

Did I doze off for a bit?

Am I on auto-pilot?

How'd I get here?

I am learning that living with grief is just that--  living, but there is pain (the grief) that lies beneath the smiles and the laughter. 

I believe and know that this will not always be.  

Nonetheless,  the road to restored joy is full of potholes. 

more thoughts on how I did get here coming soon...
(like later tonight when I don't have kids begging me for snacks!)

Flashback Friday

a decade ago.

Chase's Baptism day  6.21.00

Anatomy of a Father's Day photo...

Should it really be this difficult to get a nice daddy's day photo?

Apparently, yes.

 

We had the same issues on Mother's Day.

In Honor of April

This is a statue that resides at the cemetery where so many babies (including our daughter) are laid to rest.   To me it is a representation of Jesus and a mother who has lost.    You can see that her baby is safe in the arms of Jesus.   He is looking at her,  His presence full of loving comfort as she looks to Him for reassurance and peace.  

 Isaiah 40: 11

He tends his flock like a shepherd:
       He gathers the lambs in his arms
       and carries them close to his heart;
       he gently leads those that have young.

I always believed that God 's hand was guiding the decisions that we made while we were in the hospital.   Tough decisions about memorial services,   burial,  and autopsy.   And looking back,  wow. we were just in a state of shock.   We had incredible peace at that time, and I am thankful for that.  But in all honesty that  peace turned to quite a bit of restlessness in the weeks following April's home going to Heaven.  I struggled with regret.  I thought that if I could do it over I would change this or that.   It was a dark couple of weeks as I felt I had really not gone through the proper process in letting go of a loved one.   

When losing a baby at this stage of pregnancy (17weeks)  there is no rule,  nothing is a given.   For practical reasons we chose not to have a formal funeral and  separate burial, as the hospital handled these matters in a respectful and appropriate way.    Nonetheless,  we were left with many unresolved feelings.  We had a growing desire to have a special service of sorts to honor the life that she was --although short and only inside me.    In the typical death of a loved one there is a process I'm sure we have all experienced.     For example,  funeral home visitations,   memorial service and graveside committal are all steps in the process for those left behind to feel some closure to the loved one's life.     Dan and I felt a missing piece of this process since our loss of April.  

Two months to the date that I delivered April,  we gathered with our children, our pastor and our family to thank God for April.  To glorify Him and to further our healing.  

It was one of life's pure moments.  There were many heavy hearts that day.  Many of our loved ones that stood there in support of us also brought their own pain of loss.   How sadly beautiful it is when one has a heartache,  we all share the tears.  I then knew that the restlessness I felt in my heart was leading to this day.   A day that hopefully fostered healing in more hearts than my own. 

Perhaps this seems unusual considering the time that has past and that we seem to be doing much better than the early days.    While there is some truth to that--  God has started the long road to healing our broken hearts,   it is still very much real and devastating to us.     We can put a smile on our faces most of the time,  because we have extreme joys in our lives as well,  but the  underlying sadness is ever present.

Truly,  it wasn't all sad.   When you bring 4 kids to a cemetery for the first time,  there is bound to be comic relief.   Certainly it was true of our kids that day.   

Take this photo for example:

Joy is picking her nose,  Drew is eating Cheez-its,  Juliet is up to no good in my purse, and  of all the emotional responses possible at the time-- I am smiling?!   My precious blessings!!

I'll never, ever forget so many things about that afternoon here are a few for the memory books...

Juliet's rain boots.

Ross's words.

Lord's Day 1 of the Heidelberg Catechism Q & A

My husband's tears.

The flowers that the Grandmothers brought.
Pastor Scott keeping an eye on Juliet  

(for all she knew, she was at a playground)

Singing through tears, How Can I Keep From Singing Your Praise? 

SURELY THE PRESENCE OF THE LORD WAS IN THIS PLACE.