how'd I get here?

Have you ever had the experience where you are driving someplace and not fully focusing on the route?

You know,  about a mile past an intersection you think to yourself,   was that light really green... or was it red? 

You are going through the motions of driving but not really aware of your surroundings?

You reach a certain point in the journey and think that you may have dozed off for a bit?

The route may be so familiar that you are pretty much on auto-pilot.  You reach your destination safely, just as you assumed you would.

It is a weird feeling, right?
My last 11 weeks have kind of felt like that.

I'm in my metaphorical mini-van and driving down is the road of life after the loss.   I've recently took a mental look back at the journey this far and thought,

How'd I get here? How did I get from the hospital room on April 15 to nearly ready to celebrate the pinnacle of summer-- 
the 4th of July !?

Surely I have grown more functional as the weeks went on, but it still does feel quite a bit like I am going through the motions of summer.    Mother's day,  Anniversary,  Last day of school, Father's day,  Vacation.  All very familiar landmarks in my summer life but looking back on them I think,   

Did I just run a red light? 

Did I doze off for a bit?

Am I on auto-pilot?

How'd I get here?

I am learning that living with grief is just that--  living, but there is pain (the grief) that lies beneath the smiles and the laughter. 

I believe and know that this will not always be.  

Nonetheless,  the road to restored joy is full of potholes. 

more thoughts on how I did get here coming soon...
(like later tonight when I don't have kids begging me for snacks!)