pieces of joy ...continued

picking up where I left off in the last post,

more wedding merriment...

Dan's sister Betsy and Nick were wed the following weekend in a ceremony and reception here on the Hill.   A beautiful day it was as we witnessed them pledge themselves to God and each other.   Each of the little nieces and nephews had a special role in the wedding.

It was pure joy to see Chase and Madison read the scripture during the ceremony.

Witnessing loved ones commit themselves to God and each other and celebrating under a big tent on the Hill = a piece of joy.

Payne Lake Vacay 2010

Nothing says summer quite like time at the lake.   The little green cottage has been apart of my life since before I was born. :)  

 This year our week came following all of the wedding excitement.

Washing up in the lake with Grandpa Hopkins

 every moment about that week =pieces of joy.

This is not to say that the entire month was painless.   I have watched the bellies swell of pregnant friends.    Even now sleep often eludes me and my thoughts force me to recount every moment of April's existence.    I still find myself staring out windows or at the heavens and cry,  thinking about what should have,   could have been,  and Lord-- what will be? ? ?

Joy is returning because God is guiding me to see through the grief.   He has given me a very perceptive heart and lays upon me a sense of knowing when joy is present.   I am so thankful for that.   It started out as a matter of will to see the good that remained after April's death and delivery,  now it comes more naturally.    Adding together these pieces leads me to the realization that He is working.    For me,  restored joy isn't one major event or incident.  It is an ongoing metamorphosis of my heart and mind.

pieces of joy.

When I last left this blog I wanted to take a hiatus of sorts.   Well,   I did my best.   I may have popped up a time or two on the social networking scene.  ;-)

July was a month filled with moments to celebrate and pieces of joy.    It feels good to say that.   I began the summer 2010 with words and feelings of lament.   At that time,  what summer meant to me was just a countdown to a hopeless and no longer needed due date.    I remember thinking at one point  "just get it over with,  already!"  Negativity and cynicism was etching its way into my attitude.  I was sure this summer was going to be a complete and total bust. 

I've prayed,  I pray for restored joy.   In the beginning I kind of thought that one day I would wake up and joy in my life would triumphantly return,  and in one fell swoop sadness would be wiped away.   God hears and He delivers in ways only He can.  Looking  back on my short journey so far I see that evidences of joy returning.   It came in the form of choices I've made,   facing things that hurt,  and above all God's workings.

As is my style,  I tell my story through snapshots.    Here is what hiatus was all about...

IKEA/Allegan Antique Fair

Hop in the diesel and ride where the wind takes us.   In this case to IKEA and Allegan.

These ladies  Jamie, Nat, & Cara have been so loving and supportive. They've walked with me every step of this road.   They have listened to my story countless times,  cried with me,  prayed with me.  This summer we have experienced quite a bit of fun together too as evidenced by the goodies found at Allegan antiques market.

These friends= pieces of joy

Aprils garden.

A few months back when we initially created and cultivated this garden I was excited.   Excited only for it to bloom again next spring.   I wanted to plant it and forget it until  April 2011.   In my mind a year from April's death would mean a full year of healing.  Surely I would be in a better place next spring and summer.

As the weeks went by and I could see things begin to bloom and blossom I was pleased and sometimes tormented.   The flowers were beautiful,  but I wasn't supposed to be growing a memorial garden,  I was supposed to be growing  my baby.    Even so,  April's garden is a piece of joy.

Weddings

Summer is the season for weddings and  we had 2 wedding weekends in a row!  The first was a friends out in Spring Lake area.   It was so nice to get out as adults.  To eat, drink and be merry.  A welcome change from crying, hurting, and questioning.

A quick jaunt to Pronto Pups between the wedding and reception!

A great night with my parents and siblings= a piece of joy.

more to come...

Hiatus.

Today is already 9th of July, and it seems everyone is on vacation this time of year.

Last Sunday,  following a particularly rough morning,  I (my head and heart) needed to come to a screeching halt.   My sensitive husband knows how my sadness does ebb and flow so instinctively,  he took care of after church lunch craziness and encouraged to me hole up in our bedroom for a few hours.   

Wow.  It was just what I needed.   I started thinking about why it might be necessary for me to disconnect for awhile.   One reason being,  from the moment I awake in the morning,  until God grants me sleep at night-- I think about a tiny baby girl.   It doesn't go away during grocery shopping or pool swimming.   Grief sticks.   Sometimes distraction from it is much needed,  sometimes all this distraction is just avoidance.   

This summer in my mad rush to get to and through my pregnancy due date I've noticed that I am not intentionally taking a lot of time to be still and know.   If truth falls into my lap,  I might grasp at it.   If Biblical inspiration comes to me,  I'll certainly accept it.  But,  do I seek these things?

Should the very last thing I do each day really be the very first thing I do each day?

Do I take the time to really hear the Spirit's voice,   or am I busying myself too much in the effort to speed through this season?

Isn't it ironic that the faster I try to get this summer over with the slower it creeps along?

And what exactly do I think that reaching the Fall season will grant me?

As you can read,  I have a head full of questions.   I think it best to take a bit of a hiatus-- a sabbatical, if you will from social networking and the like.    Many folks did it for Lent.  I'm doing if for the remainder of July.   Going under the radar as much as possible to exhale and refocus. 

Chicken Coop part deux

7 months later Dan's displaced chickens have a new and improved home. 

Last summer she was a beauty:

Unfortunately, after the fire last January:

the contraption (um, eyesore) pictured above was their temporary home.



Over the last 3 months,

their lap of luxury is nearly complete.

Soon, 
he will be
back in the
not-so-profitable
egg business.

 for goodness sake.  sometimes there are no words to explain a two year old.

Give me a hand.

This was a Father's Day gift to Dan from me.  
Ok,  really more of a gift to me from me!  
I purchased it from Etsy.com,  but if you are skilled at embroidery, you could make this too.    On paper I traced the hand of each of our children.    I emailed the tracings and the creator added their initials,  the year and a teeny, tiny hand in memory of April.  

The road to restored joy is full of potholes.

I suppose I wouldn't do the previous post justice without trying to describe God's hand in how I got here.

To be honest, well, I don't fully know.   God's ways are deep and mysterious.

Something I do know is that  I have held tight to a promise from the Bible.   From what I understand it is a promise that Jesus speaks to His disciples prior to His death and ressurection.

I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. 

John 16:20 NIV

The world would rejoice while Jesus was crucified, and the disciples would grieve.  But... their grief did turn to joy as Jesus so gloriously arose.

I know that others don't rejoice in our pain,  but the devastating fact is that our pain is primarily-- our pain.  I can't expect the folks around me to pause their lives until I can catch up with them and join their joyful existence. 
To put it another way... while others' lives are moving along at the pace of summer,  ours meanders on at more of a snail's pace while we grieve. 

In the midst of this I fully believe that God will turn our grief to joy.   The daily challenge for me is surrendering my will and what I think God should do to dissolve my grief.

Holding onto this promise is only a part of what has sustained me in the last 11 weeks.   As I will list below,  in both small and large ways there has been sustenance.

If you've read this blog for awhile,  you know I like to make lists.    Identifying these things shows me God's hand in it all!

A phenomenal family physician.

Listening ears.

Music.  Specific songs at very specific times.  Ask me sometime, I'll tell you about it :)

This book--> I Will Carry You by Angie Smith

My small group ladies

Busy, Busy, Busy!!   Having 4 kids in the summer does not allow much time for downward spirals.

Writing a letter to our daughter

So I continue on this road,  this summer with all of its figurative (and literal !) potholes.
Although sometimes I feel disoriented and that I may have missed a red light or two,  my destination is sure and I will arrive there in God's timing.

how'd I get here?

Have you ever had the experience where you are driving someplace and not fully focusing on the route?

You know,  about a mile past an intersection you think to yourself,   was that light really green... or was it red? 

You are going through the motions of driving but not really aware of your surroundings?

You reach a certain point in the journey and think that you may have dozed off for a bit?

The route may be so familiar that you are pretty much on auto-pilot.  You reach your destination safely, just as you assumed you would.

It is a weird feeling, right?
My last 11 weeks have kind of felt like that.

I'm in my metaphorical mini-van and driving down is the road of life after the loss.   I've recently took a mental look back at the journey this far and thought,

How'd I get here? How did I get from the hospital room on April 15 to nearly ready to celebrate the pinnacle of summer-- 
the 4th of July !?

Surely I have grown more functional as the weeks went on, but it still does feel quite a bit like I am going through the motions of summer.    Mother's day,  Anniversary,  Last day of school, Father's day,  Vacation.  All very familiar landmarks in my summer life but looking back on them I think,   

Did I just run a red light? 

Did I doze off for a bit?

Am I on auto-pilot?

How'd I get here?

I am learning that living with grief is just that--  living, but there is pain (the grief) that lies beneath the smiles and the laughter. 

I believe and know that this will not always be.  

Nonetheless,  the road to restored joy is full of potholes. 

more thoughts on how I did get here coming soon...
(like later tonight when I don't have kids begging me for snacks!)

Flashback Friday

a decade ago.

Chase's Baptism day  6.21.00

Anatomy of a Father's Day photo...

Should it really be this difficult to get a nice daddy's day photo?

Apparently, yes.

 

We had the same issues on Mother's Day.

In Honor of April

This is a statue that resides at the cemetery where so many babies (including our daughter) are laid to rest.   To me it is a representation of Jesus and a mother who has lost.    You can see that her baby is safe in the arms of Jesus.   He is looking at her,  His presence full of loving comfort as she looks to Him for reassurance and peace.  

 Isaiah 40: 11

He tends his flock like a shepherd:
       He gathers the lambs in his arms
       and carries them close to his heart;
       he gently leads those that have young.

I always believed that God 's hand was guiding the decisions that we made while we were in the hospital.   Tough decisions about memorial services,   burial,  and autopsy.   And looking back,  wow. we were just in a state of shock.   We had incredible peace at that time, and I am thankful for that.  But in all honesty that  peace turned to quite a bit of restlessness in the weeks following April's home going to Heaven.  I struggled with regret.  I thought that if I could do it over I would change this or that.   It was a dark couple of weeks as I felt I had really not gone through the proper process in letting go of a loved one.   

When losing a baby at this stage of pregnancy (17weeks)  there is no rule,  nothing is a given.   For practical reasons we chose not to have a formal funeral and  separate burial, as the hospital handled these matters in a respectful and appropriate way.    Nonetheless,  we were left with many unresolved feelings.  We had a growing desire to have a special service of sorts to honor the life that she was --although short and only inside me.    In the typical death of a loved one there is a process I'm sure we have all experienced.     For example,  funeral home visitations,   memorial service and graveside committal are all steps in the process for those left behind to feel some closure to the loved one's life.     Dan and I felt a missing piece of this process since our loss of April.  

Two months to the date that I delivered April,  we gathered with our children, our pastor and our family to thank God for April.  To glorify Him and to further our healing.  

It was one of life's pure moments.  There were many heavy hearts that day.  Many of our loved ones that stood there in support of us also brought their own pain of loss.   How sadly beautiful it is when one has a heartache,  we all share the tears.  I then knew that the restlessness I felt in my heart was leading to this day.   A day that hopefully fostered healing in more hearts than my own. 

Perhaps this seems unusual considering the time that has past and that we seem to be doing much better than the early days.    While there is some truth to that--  God has started the long road to healing our broken hearts,   it is still very much real and devastating to us.     We can put a smile on our faces most of the time,  because we have extreme joys in our lives as well,  but the  underlying sadness is ever present.

Truly,  it wasn't all sad.   When you bring 4 kids to a cemetery for the first time,  there is bound to be comic relief.   Certainly it was true of our kids that day.   

Take this photo for example:

Joy is picking her nose,  Drew is eating Cheez-its,  Juliet is up to no good in my purse, and  of all the emotional responses possible at the time-- I am smiling?!   My precious blessings!!

I'll never, ever forget so many things about that afternoon here are a few for the memory books...

Juliet's rain boots.

Ross's words.

Lord's Day 1 of the Heidelberg Catechism Q & A

My husband's tears.

The flowers that the Grandmothers brought.
Pastor Scott keeping an eye on Juliet  

(for all she knew, she was at a playground)

Singing through tears, How Can I Keep From Singing Your Praise? 

SURELY THE PRESENCE OF THE LORD WAS IN THIS PLACE.

 


 

If these shoes could talk

 First Day of School August 31, 2009

Last Day of School June 9, 2010

(objects are much more destroyed than they appear)

Tomorrow is the last day.
I predict the kids will jump out of bed as they did only one other time this year--the first day of school.

What is a sweet time for my kids is a bittersweet accomplishment for me.
They have worked so hard to complete Kindergarten, Second, and Fourth grades respectively.  I have worked hard at wishing they wouldn't grow up so fast.   It is not that I don't want my children to become teenagers and ultimately adults,  I just so enjoy them as is.    On the verge of it all.

To prove that my thoughts don't change all that much over the years,  I dug up this post from the archives.  Oh my.  They didn't stay little.

Most of the melancholy feeling toward summer break comes from the fact that the next 14 weeks will not be what we hoped they would.

There will be no back to school baby.

This summer was going to mean washing and sorting baby clothes,  rearranging bedroom assignments and staying up way too late searching for the perfect baby name.
It was supposed to send Dan to McDonalds to calm my late night ice cream cravings.

I had planned on plopping my round self in a raft in the lake or pool and feel my little one wiggle around as I lay there enjoying all that is summer vacation.

These are dreams I am gradually letting go of. 

As much as I want to wallow this rainy night.   I choose to change gears.   I don't want to ruin my kids' summer while I grieve.  They deserve a momma that is present. 

I will do the cottage thing,  the pool thing,  the park dates and all the rest.  
I will sleep in and buy them ice cream and go camping. 
I will finish projects we've always wanted to start.
I will live summer 2010 in hope.

School's out.  Happy Summer all.

Flashback Friday... 1995 much?

Found this oldie but goodie last night.

Nothing says 1995 like oversized plaid shirts from Abercrombie & Fitch (Dan's)  or your father's closet (mine),
This pic was snapped mere weeks after Dan & I started dating.   I wish I could remember what we bought each other for Christmas that year.  Maybe it was more plaid button down shirts.  :)

I absolutely love browsing my photo archives, please bear with me!

This pic was snapped on our anniversary a couple weeks ago.

Clearly, we have aged.

Coming to a mailbox near you...

or your email box,   or a Facebook message,  or a face to face message:

an expression of our gratitude.

Perhaps it is no surprise that I like to talk   (small talk-- not so much.  rather,  large-deep- real conversation).

I wish I could sit over coffee and talk with every single one of you that has reached out to us through spoken words, prayers, meals, cards, emails, messages, gifts, phone calls,  hugs,  handshakes, blog comments and visits in the last 7 weeks.  

I would tell you that I (we) are not alone.  Do you know how many parents have walked this road we travel?

I would tell you that I am blessed to live in a generation that allows me to grieve, to feel, to share, to question and not have to know the all answers.

I would tell you that I am not over this loss,  but that is OK,  I won't ever be-- and that is OK too.

I would tell you that I fumble under the weight of this pain everyday and still want my dreams--my will fulfilled,  not God's.  Even still His mercies are new every morning.

I would tell you that there is only One who can take you from holding your lifeless baby in your hands --to finding hope and joy in anything else again.  

I would ask you to continue to pray.

I would tell you through my crocodile tears and swelled heart-- THANKS Be to You!

Every expression of love we have received has indeed brought us closer to the healing we seek.  

Now... off to find a pen and that stack of Thank-You cards...this could be a long night... :)

Oh, the places I took her. (part two)

Picking up where I left off in the last post...

February is the shortest calendar month but it felt like the longest for me.   Dan was working out of state for most of the month but I kept myself going, thinking that if I could make it to March 1 (my and Joy's Birthdays)  I would be past the first 12 weeks of pregnancy,  and I would be home freeee!   Free from migraines,   free from fatigue,  free from worry  (because statistically speaking there is only a 3 percent likelihood of miscarriages after 12 weeks)

March brought about my 34th and Joy's 6th Birthdays.

We celebrate every year together.  

Every year I rejoice that she was born on my birthday--WHAT A GIFT!

Chase turned Double Digits!   How is it that we have a 10 year old already???!!!

We lived in happy anticipation as March moved on through.   Dan finished the Ohio job and was able to go to my 13.5 week Doctor appointment where we heard our baby's heartbeat for the last time.  Other moments to treasure in March included:

wearing maternity clothes (for me, one of the best things about pregnancy--really!)

thinking about baby names,  

being convinced I was carrying a boy (wrong!)  

anxiously waiting for that first flutter of movement from inside.   

I will always wonder if I ever truly felt April moving.  Even if I didn't,   she was with me everyday,  as she always will be.

Thanks for joining me on this walk down memory lane.

"Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything." James 1:2-4

Oh, the places I took her...

I was given 17 weeks and 6 days to carry April.    I learned  I was pregnant on January 15,  and she was born asleep on April 15.   For those 3 months that I knew she was with me and we had a really good time together.  

I thought I would fill in the gap that I left in my blog from February 7 to April 13.   I didn't have a blog post once during that time period,  and I really feel a need today to document our family life during the time we anticipated our precious baby,  for it was the only time she was here with us this side of Heaven.

Before I even knew she was growing,  we took April to Great Wolf Lodge with all of her Hopkins cousins and Grandparents.  

We enjoyed surprising Daddy that his hope and dream for a 5th child was going to happen.   I remember so clearly the reaction that Dan had.   He was excited, while I was very unsure about what having a family of 7 really meant.   I was scared but felt that we had been given a precious gift.   God answered the prayers we had prayed last fall as to if our family was complete.
The very next day,  we ice skated as a family up at Mom & John's.   I clearly remember skating around the rink with my new found secret growing inside.   Dan was especially giddy that day,  but only the two of us knew why.

The weeks went by and at 8 weeks we decided to tell our family and friends that Baby Dieleman #5 was on his or her way!!   I was fortunate to have an early ultrasound at 10 weeks and this is the precious picture I have as a forever keepsake.   I'll never forget that harried morning with Joy and Juliet in the ultrasound room with me.   I left there feeling extremely blessed and still in awe that I was truly pregnant again!

Off next to New York City!!   The trip had been planned since December,  but being pregnant made it a bit more eventful when traveling by plane and NYC cab.   After many a nauseous moment,  I had a fantastic time with Jamie & Katie,  Dana and company...

We rounded out February with a Hopkins cousins party hosted by Ron & Cheryl.    We had a great time catching up with them and sharing the joy of our pregnancy.  

 To be continued with March happenings...

Some things never change...

May 29, 2008  Dan & Juliet

May 28, 2010 Dan & Juliet