My womb is empty, but my arms are Full !!

The most beautiful thing  happened today.
I need to share it so I remember it when I am feeling dark and sorrowful.  

Just moments ago,  grief was overtaking me.   Sometimes  I turn on some music,  to right my soul.   I clicked into my iTunes and chose  Blessed Be The Name.


My little 2yd old came running in from the living room and asked to be lifted up.  So we danced,  I sang.  I cried through the phrase "You give and take away"   and  "My heart will choose to say... Lord, Blessed be Your Name.  

In that moment dancing in the kitchen I am choosing to say---

Not being able to keep April with us here on earth is excruciating--  but God is good. 

I don't and will not completely understand why we were given the hope of another child,  only to have it end so suddenly--     but hope endures.  

You give and take away,  but my heart will choose to say,  Lord Blessed be Your Name.

Perhaps music doesn't move you like it does me, 

but as Juliet and I were dancing,  

and I was singing loudly-- 

she fell asleep.  

In my arms.     

(this never happens, by the way)

In the midst of all the musical emotional chaos, 

I felt the heaviness of a sleeping toddler in my arms.   

Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name.

 

3 Translations, 1 Truth.

A new week has dawned,  and life is going on.   Please continue to lift us up in prayer as we petition God for the peace that passes all understanding.   

 

Philippians 4:7 (Contemporary English Version)

Then, because you belong to Christ Jesus, God will bless you with peace that no one can completely understand. And this peace will control the way you think and feel.

 

Philippians 4:7 (New International Version)

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:7 (The Message)

 ^6-7Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

Naming Our Baby Girl.

The hospital staff told us that there is no rule book for moving through pregnancy loss,  and the delivering of a stillborn baby.  

We had so many questions and felt unable to make clear decisions.  We just prayed that what we did to get us through the experience was lead by the hand of God.   

This week, among other things,  we have struggled deeply with the desire to formally name our daughter.   We did not have a name on our hearts when we first saw her,   but this week God gave me a name.    We want to be able to remember her as a part of our family,  and not refer to her as just "the baby"
I carried her,  we held her teeny tiny body in our arms,  she was a gift for 17 all too short weeks.   

It was extremely difficult for me to come to terms with the fact that she was to be born on April 15.    The date that two of our children had already joined the family.     I am trying to stop wondering why it had to be that way,   and accept that April 15 will always be a special day of celebration and remembrance.    

Years ago I began my blog to share the journey of our family,  and not just the highlights.
It has recently allowed the opportunity to share our sorrows,   and help us begin to heal. 

April Dieleman

April 15, 2010

4:12am

8"long  &  3.7oz.

 She will always be remembered and deeply loved.

Wonderfully Made.

pieces of joy

a card from my daughter Joy today...
an absolute treasure.      

This is Love.

Happy Birthday Drew & Juliet!!!

While Dan & I were unable to celebrate at home the birthdays of Dewey and Juliet,    our dear friends and family came together to make their birthday a special day dedicated to them.

My heart swells with how much this meant to me.   I was torn that day.     Holding our 5th child,  yearning for her life and yet wanting to hold, hug, and sing to the 2 children I had given birth to on that very date 2 and 8 years ago.  

Knowing we weren't able to give the kids the birthday party they deserved,   God moved in the hearts of our friends and family to  make it happen in the most memorable way.

Please rejoice in the photos that I have to share from the party.

 

A ride home from Mr. Bird and a SURPRISE party!!

The whole gang in the garage.

Juliet needs a little help from Big brother Chase to blow out her candles.

8 years old

2 years old,  and a little unsure about all the excitement.  

Indescribable Pain, Indescribable Peace

Yesterday I didn't think I would utter another word on this blog. 

Ever.

I had been struggling with blogging, Facebook, and how much of myself was out there for the world to know.  I  had been wanting to take back some of my privacy and was figuring out how best to do so.

The experiences of this week puts my thoughts, my whole life in a new perspective.

Last night,  as we returned home from our hospital stay,   we were welcomed by so many emails, text messages , cards,  and  phone calls.  Loving expression of encouragement, love and sympathy.
I am left feeling so unimaginably grateful for this outpouring.     We felt your prayers,  we felt God's presence.   I may not have known this comfort if I had not taken the simple step of doing something normal and seemingly unnecessary as checking my email,  and Facebook.    Social networking and blogging was starting to seem to me as as a worldy distraction,   but I realized today,  it  has blessed us beyond measure.

Every word we have received from our friends,  family, community and even people I hardly know well has brought us closer to the peace we seek.    Thank you,  Thank you all.

I am still me,  and I want to share my thoughts and thanks.   For today,  it helps.

An update to our story...

With my loving husband at my side ,

I delivered our 5th child,  a daughter  April 15 at 4:12a.m.

We had extremely loving doctors at our side,  who I know were placed there by God to help us through.   She was precious and so very tiny,   weighing not even 1 pound.    We held her,  we gazed at her,  we love her.

She was already with Jesus.

We did not officially name her since we had no names even chosen at this early time.    I didn't want to randomly  give the baby a name I didn't love.     While we didn't yet know if she was boy or girl,    I had nicknames in mind  "Little Shelly"  or "Little Danny"   because he or she was a part of us.

Truly, I don't know exactly how to live my life after this kind of loss and feeling this sadness,  but we will.

God will make a way,
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way, He will make a way.

I begin this post the with nearly the same sentiment as the previous post.

I  don't  credit destiny,  luck,  fate or any other foolish rationale for what I learned about my future yesterday in the ultrasound room.

I believe in God's Providence.  

I trust His provision.


Please pray for us today and in the months to come.   We will be traveling a road never before taken, and we aren't quite sure how to navigate.

Since I announced my pregnancy via Blog,   I  decided to use a post share the pregnancy loss.

That's all for now.