October 15...6 months

Today is worldwide  Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.   To tell you the truth,  last October I had no idea such a day existed.  This year,  6 months to the day our lives were touched by pregnancy loss we honor April by participating in the Wave of Light.

www.october15th.com

I am often asked how our kids have understood,  or felt about the loss of a baby they never saw,  and never got the chance to know.    I would say that as painful as it was for Dan and I,  the kids have not had to feel the intensity of grief.   I thank the Lord for this.    We decided and were encouraged early on to be honest with our children about what had happened and to never close the conversation on April's existence.    Following the loss, I wanted to be strong and solid for them as a mother,   I was afraid my tears and emotional spirals would frighten them.   I knew the first day home that it was not business as usual.   I learned that hiding my emotions and pretending that everything was A.O.K was not going to benefit them as much as showing them the realness of sorrow,   and at the same time point their thoughts and hopes to the ONE who promises to restore our joy.  

Looking back,   knowing that she was a girl,  naming her and referring to her as their sister has been immensely healing for all of us.
It did not come naturally though.    I was hesitant to know her gender,   name her,  and accept all the momentos that the hospital staff so lovingly provided.    All of these things made her life as it was,  too real.   At that point all I wanted to do was forget the agony of the loss.   A name,  momentos,  it only reminded me of a life that was never meant to be on this earth.   It was simply too devastating.

But what was this teaching our children?    Dan and I wanted, if anything for our kids to learn and grow through this experience.   NOT to be left scared and confused with unanswered questions.    In the months that followed each one of our kids in their own unique way as worked through their feelings.    Joy loves to see the teeny, tiny baby gown and April's plaster footprints.   Drew talks often about the memorial at the cemetery and requests to go back there (perhaps it is only to chase squirrels).  Chase is intentional about including her when he talks about his "brothers and sisters".    All three of them have expressed sadness about not being able to have her as a sister yet a curiosity about seeing her again someday.

I guess that is all I can hope for.  That they have learned a life lesson--THE life lesson-- through this loss.   The lessons that feelings are meant to be felt and communicated when needed,   that life does include deep disappointment,  and most of all that God's promises are true-- they can trust Him when things don't make sense-- He is the road to restoration and salvation!