the T-shirt.

There is a T-shirt of mine hanging in the back corner of our closet.

It is one of my faves.  I would have worn it all summer except for one thing...

I don't like to look at it.

So, you can see that wearing the shirt would force me to look at it and force me to think about the last 3 times I wore it.   Yes,  I am that odd.  I can remember the last three times I wore said T-shirt.

Well, even though you didn't ask,  may I tell you about the last 3 times I wore the T-shirt that I don't like to think about,  but like so much.

1. Back in March at a doctor's appointment when Dan and I heard April's heartbeat for the last time.

2. On Spring Break 2010 when we were in Florida having a marvelous time with our kids and our dear friends.

3.  On April 13 in the Dr.'s office and subsequent ultrasound that confirmed our baby had passed away.

I remember burying that thing in the closet as far as it could go.   You might think I would just get rid of it altogether,  but I haven't.   I had the grand idea of bringing it out into the daylight and wearing it  the day I would tell Dan that I was pregnant again.   I wimped out.   It's a good thing too,  because he said he wouldn't have remembered what I was wearing that dreadful day.   It is interesting how we both have individual things that we remember about that day.

My memory is strong and quirky and easily triggered.   Sometimes this is an asset,  other times I wish I could forget little details like T-shirts,  songs,  smells,  dates,  places,  things people have said.  

A T-shirt seems like such a non-issue,  but it is representative of a greater struggle.  

Trying not to push memories and feelings too far in the back corner of my mind's closet because they are too painful.   Trying to be brave and wear with joy the T-shirt (and perhaps this baby bump) without fear.

 only 25 weeks to go!  oh my, that is so many weeks!