In Honor of April

This is a statue that resides at the cemetery where so many babies (including our daughter) are laid to rest.   To me it is a representation of Jesus and a mother who has lost.    You can see that her baby is safe in the arms of Jesus.   He is looking at her,  His presence full of loving comfort as she looks to Him for reassurance and peace.  

 Isaiah 40: 11

He tends his flock like a shepherd:
       He gathers the lambs in his arms
       and carries them close to his heart;
       he gently leads those that have young.

I always believed that God 's hand was guiding the decisions that we made while we were in the hospital.   Tough decisions about memorial services,   burial,  and autopsy.   And looking back,  wow. we were just in a state of shock.   We had incredible peace at that time, and I am thankful for that.  But in all honesty that  peace turned to quite a bit of restlessness in the weeks following April's home going to Heaven.  I struggled with regret.  I thought that if I could do it over I would change this or that.   It was a dark couple of weeks as I felt I had really not gone through the proper process in letting go of a loved one.   

When losing a baby at this stage of pregnancy (17weeks)  there is no rule,  nothing is a given.   For practical reasons we chose not to have a formal funeral and  separate burial, as the hospital handled these matters in a respectful and appropriate way.    Nonetheless,  we were left with many unresolved feelings.  We had a growing desire to have a special service of sorts to honor the life that she was --although short and only inside me.    In the typical death of a loved one there is a process I'm sure we have all experienced.     For example,  funeral home visitations,   memorial service and graveside committal are all steps in the process for those left behind to feel some closure to the loved one's life.     Dan and I felt a missing piece of this process since our loss of April.  

Two months to the date that I delivered April,  we gathered with our children, our pastor and our family to thank God for April.  To glorify Him and to further our healing.  

It was one of life's pure moments.  There were many heavy hearts that day.  Many of our loved ones that stood there in support of us also brought their own pain of loss.   How sadly beautiful it is when one has a heartache,  we all share the tears.  I then knew that the restlessness I felt in my heart was leading to this day.   A day that hopefully fostered healing in more hearts than my own. 

Perhaps this seems unusual considering the time that has past and that we seem to be doing much better than the early days.    While there is some truth to that--  God has started the long road to healing our broken hearts,   it is still very much real and devastating to us.     We can put a smile on our faces most of the time,  because we have extreme joys in our lives as well,  but the  underlying sadness is ever present.

Truly,  it wasn't all sad.   When you bring 4 kids to a cemetery for the first time,  there is bound to be comic relief.   Certainly it was true of our kids that day.   

Take this photo for example:

Joy is picking her nose,  Drew is eating Cheez-its,  Juliet is up to no good in my purse, and  of all the emotional responses possible at the time-- I am smiling?!   My precious blessings!!

I'll never, ever forget so many things about that afternoon here are a few for the memory books...

Juliet's rain boots.

Ross's words.

Lord's Day 1 of the Heidelberg Catechism Q & A

My husband's tears.

The flowers that the Grandmothers brought.
Pastor Scott keeping an eye on Juliet  

(for all she knew, she was at a playground)

Singing through tears, How Can I Keep From Singing Your Praise? 

SURELY THE PRESENCE OF THE LORD WAS IN THIS PLACE.