When I was still in the hospital last April 15, I completely exhaustedly cried to Dan, "I feel like the only thing that will ever take away this pain is becoming pregnant again" and having the 5th child that we dreamed of. If I could be pregnant by April's due date, wouldn't that be even better?!"
Desperate thoughts and prayers of a mother who wanted to catch up to where I thought I would be. Feelings of a mommy who would always feel that someone is missing.
Fast forward 5 months and my desperate plea became truth. Being pregnant again has brought about joy, hope and happiness, but not exactly in the way I thought it would when I spoke those words in the delivery room last spring.
I tend to keep the grief of April's death separate from the hope of the new life growing within. Being pregnant again does not bring April back. I did not get to pick up where I left off at 17 weeks. I am starting over and frankly, that has been difficult. It sometimes feels like in order to keep April's life and that pregnancy remembered I need to keep her loss and this new life on two separate sides of my heart. I have been reluctant to let this new pregnancy assist in joy's restoration. I have seen how this new pregnancy brings joy and delight to those around me. It somewhat fills the void for them. For us, the void will always exist.
Recently, after I passed April's due date I began to think that maybe I should let the two lives intersect. Open up my mind to the fact that this new baby can be a part of what God is giving me to heal the pain of April's death. I know that this baby will will not replace her, but allowing myself to really grab hold of this pregnancy sometimes feels like it pushes her significance to the side, or eventually to the far, far background of our memories.
my heart divided.
4 comments:
I am coming over from Kelly's site. The letter thay you wrote to precious April is so beautiful and so how I felt before we lost our son. I felt that God's blessings were just heaped upon us and honestly, I was waiting for those blessings to cease. You know even though my baby now lives in heaven, I still feel blessed just in a different way. My heart bears a whole the size of a 4 lb. 7 oz baby, but I would not take anything for the time we had with him. In fact, I would do it all again just to have those precious months back (the months I carried him and the few minutes I held him). God bless you and I will be praying for you, your family, and this precious little one you are carrying.
Your letter to your daughter that Kelly linked to was beautiful. Thank you for sharing it.
And I know how conflicting emotions can be with a pregnancy after loss. I just delivered our rainbow baby 1 week ago. Her arrival certainly does not make us forget but it has brought us a lot of joy. Praying for you!
Coming to see you from Kelly's blog. What a beautiful letter to April. Letters to our children are such a great tool and way to "talk" to them.
Almost 4 months ago I delivered our little girl after losing our son after 30 weeks of pregnancy. The emotional roller coaster can be exhausting and confusing. I'll be praying for you and your family!
thank you all for the encouraging words, for the prayers and for simply taking the time to read our story. I have been greatly blessed by this community!
With a heart of gratitude!
Chelle
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