honesty, honestly.

I was convinced that this baby would be a boy.    

Perhaps some thought I've desired a girl because April was a girl.  Since there remains a huge void for the daughter we hoped to hold and raise,  it seems natural that I would want this child to be a girl to fulfill that hope.

In some ways that is true,  in other ways it is not.    That empty space will always be there--for the baby we hoped to meet in September 2010,   for April.    Having another daughter does not fill that space,  just as giving birth to Juliet did not replace Joy.  They are two distinct lives.

So at some point in this pregnancy when I began to let go of some of the fear of another loss,  I convinced myself that we'd be meeting a boy come March 2011.

Why did I do that?   I've come to a few conclusions.

I was afraid that having another girl would negate the loss we suffered,  perhaps? in my heart, but maybe for others.   I wanted to keep April's status as our 5th child,  our third and last girl, because frankly I still long for her.    In my mind,  having a boy would, in large ways accomplish keeping April's status firm.

There were other things that I idealized about having this baby be a son.   The big kids had hoped for another brother,   Chase will be 11 years old at the time of the birth I could just picture he and a little bro years into the future.  

By now most of you are probably thinking--  "what a headcase!" or "it is what it is"  or "what an ingrate"   Believe me,  I have thought those things about myself at one point or another.

I am happy to say that most of the above feelings are past tense.     Each step along this journey I have forced myself to take an honest look at what is going on in my head and in my heart.   I am only human and many rational feelings and irrational thoughts weave their ways into my days and weeks.  Sorting them out, and even blogging about them has been immensely helpful.  An absolute constant that does not falter is our gratitude.     This little gal inside is desired and wanted just as much as April was.   I am down on my knees thankful for her life within.  God's promises of hope and restoration are budding!

Here are a few pix from the evening of our ultrasound.  We went out for pizza and let the kids open the envelope with the answer to our new baby's gender.

may I have the envelope, please?

reading the result

laughing at the revelation

tell me how you really feel?

Juliet , just happy to be the baby for awhile longer. :-)