Tonight, over the phone I told DanI just want to get back to the old me.
Perhaps that doesn't make much sense out of context.
Let me explain, and in doing so I hope to figure out if the old me is really the former me and not likely to be me again. You follow? Probably not.
Tonight I stare at the laundry undone, the presents waiting to be wrapped. I smell the clogged garbage disposal , the wet boots and gloves. I chow down on the Christmas goodies that I just can't resist. I hear our 2 year old crying out for her pacifier and I sigh. All of these things could have described a typical December night a year ago, but the difference this year is -- me. You see, I'm not dealing with the day to day quite as well.
Maybe I can blame the pregnancy hormones which have been raging in me for 41 of the last 53 weeks, with 14 yet to go. Or maybe it's the tiring work of sorting through grief. I was/am new to it, and had to find my own way through it. Grief can be a sneaky jerk, popping up at times when you just don't want to go there.
Maybe it's the constant balancing act of hope and fear. Although God has given me so much joy and hope over this new pregnancy, it only takes a bad dream recalling the day I delivered April to send me running for the tissue box and rendering me useless when it comes to things like cleaning toilets or dusting.
Maybe it is those things. Some days I like to blame the economy. That sounds fair, doesn't it? The nation's economic crisis has trickled down to the industry in which my husband is employed. . He has to go out of state to find work and that has been a HUGE adjustment for the kids and I. Yes! that is why I am no longer the productive, stable, self controlled, person I once was-- being a on again, off again single parent to 4 kids and growing another is doing me in!
Why can't I be the me I used to be?
I get it, really I do--this post sounds like a list of woes!
But I had to get them out to see that although they are certainly the raw ingredients in the lump of dough that I think I've become--
This past year... God changed the recipe.
I may want to function at a certain level because I think that is my best.
But... perhaps God is forming (and let's just say-- baking, for the sake of the metaphor)
A new me.
I have to trust, that in His timethe new me will in fact be a sweet, not bitter creation.
Philippians 1:6 NIV
being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.