a new hope.

This is my first and hopefully last pregnancy after a loss.

Realistically speaking,   gone is the giddy glee  (is that redundant?) of being pregger.    Gone are the days of just knowing that after the 40ish weeks of headaches,  fatigue, hormonal chaos and weight gain will be a living,  breathing blessing of a babe.      I have joined millions of women who anxiously count the weeks with cautious optimism.      Our last experience has convoluted my mind about the normal outcome of pregnancy.

This pregnancy didn't start out that way though.   Back in July in the oh, so nasty dirty grocery store bathroom  I saw that blue line turn into a plus sign!    I intentionally  looked up into the mirror and noticed something on my face I had not seen in awhile. 

Hope.   

In that moment,  and it was brief,  I felt the wonder and delight of knowing that a new life was forming within.   I didn't think about heart defects, stillbirth and grief.   I thought about the future.  I thought about things like holding this rainbow baby,   I felt joy.  Perhaps I should have stayed in that bathroom longer.

I wish I could say that from there to here I have been confident and free of worry.   The truth is the worry started to set in as I passed through the grocery store sliding doors.    It increased as I drove back to the cottage.   Panic rose as I sat through blood tests and ultrasounds.    The pain of losing April in the second trimester is still so fresh.   There are times my heart is consumed with fear at the possibility of going through that again.

I have to challenge what I feel with questions such as...  "Is fear really what God desires for me?"   and  "Do I glorify Him while constantly worrying?"

The answers are no,   and I don't.    

...and the nagging thought..."Is all this worry a display of ingratitude or ultimately,  sin in my life?"    

So these days  I try to balance the fear and the hope.   Some days hope far outweighs.  Other days fear and its cruel perpetrator seem to get the upper hand.    I understand this to be normal,   but I want to be back in the grocery store bathroom.

I want to look in the mirror and see that unadulterated hope in my face once more. 
 

I believe this will be,  

but feeling today that I'm traveling a  new  long and winding road...   

 and I am riding down it in grief's company car.