So is living out a phantom pregnancy as I have been doing for the last 5 months.
Tomorrow, I have finally reached the end. It seems significant, if only for my own heart.
My feelings are mixed to say the least. Since the moment I knew I lost April I yearned for this due date to come... I wanted it to be over with. Why? Because I wanted the future to arrive at my doorstep as a expedited special delivery. I would open that package in and in it I would find healing and wholeness again. You might say that I was wishing my life away. It makes sense, right? If time heals, and God is faithful why wouldn't I want to be months farther along in my life?
Honestly, now that I've reached this due date the package at my doorstep is a big box of grief. When I really let myself think about how this very night I could have been holding my living, healthy daughter my heart finds a new place to break. The difference between now and last spring is-- I let my heart break a little when it needs to because I know that God's amazing love will fill the cracks. I have learned this time and again over the long summer season that I wished so badly to skip through.
I guess that is what the last 23 weeks have been about. I had to live out this pregnancy each-and-every-minute-of-everyday-of-it to learn the things I have and to feel the pain I have-- and ultimately to experience first hand how true God's promises are!
I am weepy and weary tonight, but tomorrow is a new day!
John 16:20-22
20I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. 21A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. 22So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.
3 comments:
Praying for you today my friend.
praying you find some joy today.
Love you, Michelle.
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