One Day I Will Testify!

It's not a big secret if you know me.

For 34 years my existence on God's earth has been an easy ride.

I have known this.   I have, in the stillness of my soul thanked God for the great gifts in my life.   I tried not to,   but have failed in taking much for granted.

I have mourned with those who mourned,  watched loved ones walk through dark valleys,  and questioned why, Lord?   how much pain and disappointment can one person take?

During our current season of sadness and pain,  I am naturally more introspective and nostalgic.    Most of my adult life I have had a sense of underlying dread.   It would increase as I walked alongside or observed loved ones going through trials and pain.
 

I would wonder... is my turn coming?  

Every life will see its share of storms,  is mine approaching?

Could  I handle this kind of pain?"  

Would my faith be strong?  or would I ultimately dissolve to bitterness and cynicism?

Not being absolutely sure that I could trust God to bring me to and through a dark valley and still praise His name was a heaviness in my heart I could not shake.   I preferred to keep things comfortable,  and for my life to chug along smoothly according to my desires and dreams.   

But really, what kind of life did I have?   Happy,  but not peaceful.    Blessed, but not confident.

In the words shared with me by a loved one---

You may be asking if God would take your child in order to teach you something. I don't believe that! Yes, you will learn many things through this experience, but those are results - not the reasons why you've been given this sorrow. God has promised to bring good out of the pain, not to eliminate it from our lives.

Those words spoke to my heart because I was starting to think that God allowed April to pass away so I would learn a hard lesson in dependance and surrender.   I am learning  these things,  but they are the results not the reasons.    I can never fully know what God is working through my pregnancy and death of our daughter,  but I do know that one day I will testify!

One day I will be able to look back and tell the beautiful history of how choosing to not let bitterness envelop me, but rather choosing to know...

 "that circumstances will define neither God's love for us nor our love for God."   

Angie Smith,  author of  "I Will Carry You"

To be continued someday with stories of peace and confidence...