Good Days and Bad.

I've noticed that a string of good days (or sometimes just hours) of truly peaceful moments  are always laced with a few bad days or moments in which I feel that I need to force my heart to beat.

From what I've read in my  how-to  books on grieving,   that is exactly the grueling process.

It has been 2 weeks since we first set eyes on our daughter and had to say goodbye.   Since then I have found solace in  many things:

my husband's arms

music 

scripture 

prayers 

hugs from loved ones. 

and especially in staying inside my Home.Sweet.Home.

This week my deep struggle is getting back to regularly scheduled life and its devastating realities:

I am not pregnant anymore.  Even though my heart still counts the weeks.

We do not have our April in our arms,  we do not hear her newborn cry.

Dan is fully back to work,  and I miss him in a whole new way.

All the day to day doings of normal  life have not slowed.    

Grieving and crying out in pain for our loss doesn't always 

find its way into the schedule however much I need it to.

We have 4 kids that need us,  we can't crawl under the covers and sleep the day away.  We have a full life to live and the only way to do the work of grief is to continue on its crooked road.

Next stop... God's House.  I haven't been to church in awhile.  My heart longs to be there but my spirit is frail.    Finding comfort in God's word tonight...

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. 

Matthew 11:28 (NLT)

 5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

6 in all your ways acknowledge him,

and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6