What? It's not about me?

I've been so ticked at myself lately.

So many things I have desired to do in my process of healing after the loss of April,  in April.

I remember scouring the internet,  asking others for resources to help me through the pain of pregnancy loss and stillbirth.    I have these materials.   They sit in my nightstand,  just ready to be read and learned from.

I am ticked because there they sit.   My predisposition to procrastination lives on even in my time of grief.   You would think I would have done everything possible so far to move past the pain of loss,   yet I have not.

So in the midst of being annoyed at myself again,  for being me.   I took a step back to look at why I might not be doing these things I think will be so beneficial.

Oh, that's right.   I have 4 kids.   They were home all.summer.long.    They are needy, fun, beings that depended on me for meals, fun, and attention.  

I have family, church and friend obligations.   Generally those things do not fade away during times of sadness--even when, at times I could barely bring myself to participate.

Ultimately,  I am realizing that me, myself, and I am not solely responsible for my healing.

 God is. 

The way, shape, and form of the healing that He provides is not for me to determine.   My job is just to trust Him and go to Him.   Yes,  the books,  blogs and studies I have in my nightstand can be tools-- but God is the One who will do the work.

Certainly, He has.   In ways I prayed for,  in ways I never expected.   Still the road continues.
It makes me glad to know that I don't have to heal myself or be surprised by joy.   I thank you Lord,  for bringing me to this place!

Philippians 1:6 (Contemporary English Version)

God is the one who began this good work in you, 

and I am certain 

that he won't stop before it is complete 

on the day that Christ Jesus returns.