How's the grief?

A friend of mine has recently asked me lately how I am doing.

My response to that question is usually one of the following:

"Not too bad..."
"Really great..."
"Busy..."
"Good, how about you?"


I knew though, that she was asking more than just a "how's it hanging?" kind of a question.
In fact she was deeply caring for me in asking me how I am.

The answer that came immediately to my mind was:

"It's complicated."

I was really blessed by her question,  and it was certainly timely. This particular time of the year brings about thoughts of a life, created from love that would have been, could have been, but never was meant to be--
a one year old.  

Following the many days of grieving and growing, hurting and healing that I lived the last year I am now one year distanced from that time period of profound sadness. At the time I knew not how to move forward, but forward movement was what I chose.    I wanted so badly to hurry past and through the pain of losing our baby.  I desperately wanted to see what God had planned for us,  I was in a rush to see His revelation.   

So here, one year later I daily hold (probably too tightly at times)  a bouncing 6 month old.  Naomi is so full of life at this age.  Smiley and communicative.   Beautiful and adored.    It would be dishonest to say that her birth hasn't helped the healing process. 

It has.

In many ways. 

I feel it every time I watch Naomi reach another milestone.

But,  (isn't there always a but?) as I take stock of the last year and a half,  I still feel a kind of void.  There's still a yearning.   I imagine what my life would be with a one year old daughter right now, and if her eyes would have been green like mine.   I'm sure they would have been green.  I imagine her taking her first steps and running around the back of church with the big kids.   I daydream about reaching Heaven's door and seeing her, holding her as if she had never been lost.   These are the feelings I keep, and that is OK.   For me, (and I know others will differ)  losing a baby isn't something that I can take a been there, done that type of attitude about.    Yes, it is a part of my past,  but also my present and future.  

Grief isn't a task I want to check off my to-do list.   It is part of me,  it is part of almost anyone who has lost a dear loved one.

I realized recently that I tried to run so fast from that painful time,  and now-- strange as it may seem--  I kind of long for it.   I don't wish for pain,  for that seems silly.   What I mean is,  I miss the amazing closeness with family,  community,  and God that I experienced during those days. 

I'm not sure if that answers my friend's question,  but I sure am glad she asked.  Anything that gives me the opportunity to think on April,  is blessing to me.   That is how I feel connected to a baby I grew and held but never had the chance to raise.   My grief isn't the same as it once was,  and that is good.  My grieving takes new forms and different roads,  and that is good too.  

Good. Grief.

Miracles Happen.

If you have followed or prayed for this precious life over the last few months,  

please click on over and rejoice with so many at the
homecoming of baby Bird.  

Psalm 71:5-8 

New Living Translation (NLT)

 5  O Lord, you alone are my hope.
      I’ve trusted you, O Lord, from childhood.
 6  Yes, you have been with me from birth;
      from my mother’s womb you have cared for me.
      No wonder I am always praising you!
7  My life is an example to many,
      because you have been my strength and protection.
 8  That is why I can never stop praising you;
      I declare your glory all day long.

Miracles happen.  

O Perfect Love

I remember paging through the white vinyl bound book when I was a young girl.
It had already showed signs of aging even though it was only 10 years old.   As I stared at the photos long enough somehow I felt transported to that day.

The day my parents were married.  40 years ago today.  

I loved looking at her wedding gown,  the 1970s fashion,  the familiar and noticeably younger faces of loved ones that stood next to my blonde haired father and fresh faced mother.  It was beyond interesting to think of my parents as a bride and groom and of a time before I came to be.   It felt special and comforting to me at that young age.  It inspired hopes and dreams of one day being a bride myself.   Turning the pages of that album  I knew not the reality of being a bride and becoming a wife.    Little did I understand that the wedding is a day,  the marriage is a lifetime.

Now I understand as my own marriage is nearly 15 years in.  Today we celebrate 40 years of God's faithfulness to a couple of 19 year olds,  who  made a commitment to love and to cherish.   My parents have a great story to tell.  Stories of blessing,  stories of struggle,  stories of God's work and His guidance,  when the path was unclear.    Isn't that what it is all about?   Going on faith and love into a future unknown?   Their union has inspired me all of my days to live and love as they have.   Give and serve as they do,   trust and find contentment in every circumstance. 

I type with tear filled eyes at the wild blessings they are to us and so many others.

We Love You Mom and Dad!

Happy 40th Anniversary!

O perfect Love, all human thought transcending,
Lowly we kneel in prayer before Thy throne,
That theirs may be the love which knows no ending,
Whom Thou forevermore dost join in one.

this is the stuff

I like things the way I like them.

Don't we all?

When you (or me in this case) are faced with something that's downright unlikable,  what is the virtuous response?

I have spent the better part of two weeks getting way ahead of myself and working myself into a tizzy.   Yes,  I just said tizzy.    Making something way too big in my life and letting it push most everything good out of the way.    The specifics of what that was I won't go into because that's not really important, and in the big picture of life---  it wasn't a huge problem.

That is precisely what irks me the most.   When did I dive into shallow waters again?   When or why did I start letting an irritation turn into an infected wound?

When our unborn baby died last year my eyes were opened to the significance (or the insignificance) of stresses in life.    What really matters, and frankly,  what does not.     I welcomed that new perspective,  considered it one of the results of enduring that painful loss.    In the recent past I've lost that perspective.   So now,  kicking myself (which incidentally I seem to be doing a lot lately) I need  to grab it back.

What is important is what I am trying to learn from it.  I have to record this lesson learned,  or I am likely to forget it the next time things don't go my way. 

 My old method of coping:

Get upset.

Talk about it until I am blue in the face and people want to punch me.

Figure out how to manipulate change the situation

Perhaps cry,  but that might be too soft and sensitive this early in the problem

Generally assume a bad attitude.

Resist acceptance.

New plan.   When stuff drives me crazy I have the power of choice. 

Looking anew at the debacle (and future difficulties)  I find myself in, 
I will choose to:

Stay calm.

Pray about it,  asking God for clarity and direction.

Do not try to change manipulate the situation

Cry,   if needed.   A little crying is good for the heart.

Have patience.

Resolve to accept.

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use                                ---Fransecsa Battistelli

Mom's Last Ride (now with pics)

A decade passed.
In a blink.
Or so it seems.

This past week we spent our days enjoying the lake of my childhood, and that of my Father'.
As we soaked in the sun's warmth my boys learned a few skills (water skiing) and overcame fears (un-hooking caught fish).  Pretty good for an impromptu vacation, right?

A take away,  if you will,  from the week are the realities that swirled in my mind as I rode lap after lap around the lake on the wave runner.

"Mom,  you wanna ride?"  Chase asked everyday.   

"You know I do!"   I replied.

I   "take him for a ride"   on the wave runner because I am of age to drive it.   What really happens is he takes the reigns and follows the counter clockwise route.   I hold on to the back handles and enjoy the the passenger position.   Shhhh... don't tell the DNR!

Early in the week as we zipped through waves and pockets smooth as glass ,  I began to realize quite heavily that this is Chase's last summer before middle school ensues.   For me to think that he is not going to change is hopeful but perhaps a bit naive.  Although his heart is kind and helpful,  he is a 'Tween now.    'Tweens are an interesting breed,  I hear.   In fact I can almost remember what it was like to be one.

~~shudder~~  

That is how I know my position as his Mom will take on a bit of a different perspective to my budding young fella.    

It was almost as if he was growing up before my very eyes--in those moments!   I watched him maneuver the wave runner with skill and noticed him increase it's speed and daring as we passed by neighboring hooligans (that are older than he).    I even sensed the faint odor of smelly teen in his hair as I was back wind from his unwashed bed head.    What was happening?   I wanted to hit the red STOP button on that machine!!   Pause the moment,  keep him young and near me. 

But,  I cannot.  

So,  I kept quiet and let him grip the handle at full throttle,  knowing I had a couple more days to enjoy him like this.     And by Friday ,  our ride around iconic Payne Lake was extra sweet.   Not only did we have a good laugh when we ran out of gas,  but the the wind no longer smelled of greasy hair because I had just made Chase wash up in the lake.     He is growing up,    but for now  he might just need me in the passenger seat now and again. 

I thank God for opening my eyes through our daily living!  

 Drew's magic fish un-hooking Glove!   That thing changed his life!

Challenged

I stumbled upon a website this week that posted a list of ways to intentionally love on your kids through a different method everyday,--for a month.   It's the 30 Day Mom Challenge

I don't count it an accident that this came to me on the last month of summer.    Being home all summer with my kids has been great overall-- but... (there is always a but)... The bickering, begging and bawling does get to me now and again.   Sometimes I zone out from it all,  try to hide out in my shower.  That is my calm way of coping.   The other  (and less admirable way)  of coping with the chaos of 5 kids,  is yelling.   Neither one of these methods is not particularly productive, nor do they give my kids what they are clammering for in the first place---  my positive attention and affirmation.

Enter the 30 Day Mom Challenge.  

I will be the first to admit that I lack a certain sticktoitiveness that a 30 day challenge requires.   However, this is for my kids.   I want to make the last few weeks of summer break 2011,  good weeks.   I don't want the last few weeks to be me at my wits end, resulting in they at their wits end. 

Such lofty goals,  I know.

I'd like to record the progress so I can look back fondly??  at this time and know if it made a difference in my home.   Enjoy, Mom.  (since you are probably the only one still reading)  :)


1.   One thing we can do together this month--   We decided to take a trip to the cemetery.   I know, kind of a dark outing,  but the kids have been asking to go,  and I will always, always, always take the opportunity to talk with them about April and remember that time in our family life.

2.  Go the Whole Day without yelling at your children--   Well,  they don't ease ya into it, do they?  This was a difficult one,  but knowing that was the challenge for the day I was quite mindful of my tone and volume.   I made it to bedtime and slipped. 

3. Hug Your Child 3 times today--   15 hugs happily delivered.   A great one!

4. Kiss your Children when they are sleeping--  The Girls looked forward to it.  They told me they would wake up when I kissed them.   They didn't.   The Boys were a little squirrely about it,  but promptly asked me the next morning if I followed through with the challenge.  

5.  Tell yourself  "He's Only ___ years old,  still a child.  Then, treat him that way--  I am not sure if I really performed this one.   But I am certainly more mindful of it now.

6.  Today's Challenge-- Bake, Make or Buy them their favorite food--  This one is hilarious.  I thought they would request homemade cookies or to go out for ice cream.    No.   They have thoughtfully requested "Fruit (and I use that term lightly) by the Foot"  and  "Gushers"    Gross.  But I have to follow the rules they tell me.

More to come as the month moves forward... 

Little Things.

I have this plaque hanging near my kitchen sink:

It was a gift from my Mom last year and she knows me well.   One of the reasons I created this blog was to record things.   Things big,  some small,  at times humorous, others very heavy.    In the certain craziness that 5 children brings I have not been able to record as I wish I could.   I suppose their needs do have to come first, after all.

So, with shrinking free time on my hands it made perfect sense to start another blog,  right?

Probably not.  But my hope is that I can quickly pop in the things that inspire me.   Hardly a day passes that I don't notice something,  feel a deep thought,  or want to celebrate a thing or two.

As a result I'm starting a new effort to record Little Things.    Call them pieces of joy,  or endless gifts,  or beauty in the ordinary.   Little photos of things that bless me, inspire me,  speak to me.   My hope is to be able to do this on a daily basis---  but don't hold me to that OK?

So here (again) I go...
if you'd like...click on over to Little Things 

 

looking back on the summer that is !!

Ok,  I'm forcing myself to stop.
If I don't get our summer doings recorded in this virtual memory book,  I will have to kick my actual self!  

I'm making myself stop and take a look at all we've been able to experience this summer,  

"the summer that IS"

You see,  for me,  2010 was the "summer that wasn't."

That phrase originated 5 years ago when my sister was on bedrest awaiting the birth of her triplet daughters.   She spent 7 weeks of summer 2006 incubating those 3 little blessings.   Her summer wasn't the typical party having,  sparkler waving,  cottagey goodness that it usually was.   It had a different purpose.

I can look back at my summer season 2010 and feel that tangled mess of grieving,  living,  and hoping.   It was a summer that wasn't.    

I am thankful,  hard to fully express actually how full I feel this summer.    Still somewhat tangled up, but truly seeing this season in a new light.  

With 3 weeks to go yet,  find below some snapshots of the the doings thus far.
Thanks for walking down both roads with me.

 Lord God, I accept both from Your hand, pain and joy, accepting that in this world, they come together. Someday it will be only, always, joy — You whisper Your certain triumph with Jesus, and daily mercies, and Advent and Your comforting presence. And lilies blooming in winter.   ---Ann Voskamp

You will have pain but your pain will turn to joy. (Jn 16:20) 

 The Curley Cone  (FYI,  they don't accept debit or credit)   HAHA!  (that one's for you small group)

 Rack-O on a Rainy day.  I'm not sure who's having more fun,  Grandpa or Naomi

 First boat ride for little "Nomi"

 Cousins,  reunited.

 Birthday Buddies is their claim to fame.

 Candy store golf cart rides were a 3 or 4 times daily occurence.

 Dieleman/Wierenga Grandkids

 Naomi and Easton :) 

 Fishing with Grandma, who incidentally hooks all the worms and un-hooks all the fish x4 kids!

 She also plays a mean game of Twister!    Love you, Mom!

a snapshot of life these days

cottage vacations, baby crying, kids not listening to me, Pajamas all day,

...more to come.

Please Pray.

Please Pray for baby Tessa. She will meet her family today.
Pray for lung function and health and life.
Pray for hope, courage, strength for her parents, brothers, grandparents.

Thank you so much.

streamline my space !!

A year chock full of pregnancies,  sorting through grief,  husband working out of town,  general kid busyness and much more has not really lent itself to keeping up on keeping organized!

What is a self proclaimed, pack ratty procrastinator to do?

Call Amanda at Streamlined Spaces!
And that is what I did.

When you  (or me in this case) just can't seem to get started,  that is where Amanda lights the fire.
She is a professional organizer who loves to come to your home,  and working with you-- streamlines your spaces.  

Before our session she asked me to think about a space in my home that bothered me.   Somewhere that just doesn't seem to work well.   I knew immediately that our bathroom closet was desperately in need of  purging and reorganizing.   It had become a place to dump all things that I believed I had no other place for. 

And so we began.   If you are like me you may be worried that she may come in and just dump all of your precious "treasures".   Do not fear.   She allowed me the process of deciding what I needed to keep and what was really not necessary to have in the closet or at all any more.   She was able to gently help me decide when I was stuck.   Really,  did I need old beat up slippers and long expired laxatives?  NO!

Once we got rolling I was really enjoying myself and the end result was made much more sense and was attractive to the eye as well.

Here are the before and after pics...

Before

  

During

After!!

It was really fabulous to finally make some progress in my home that has been a bit neglected.
Amanda can do the same for you.  She is professional,  purposeful, and punctual.   This took less than two hours.

Here is her Facebook Page with all the details and information.

Click the photo below--

And there is more to come... I was so delighted that I had her return a few weeks later to  help me dig out of a messy desk situation.  

Please give her a call-- you won't be disappointed!

2 months + , say it ain't so!

Since I heart. heart.  HEART!  the newborn stage,  and generally the first year of our childrens lives-- each week that passes means our little one is getting older,  and farther away from that precious phase.
Call me weird.   I've been called worse.

I noticed the feeling when Naomi first grew out of the size 1 diapers.   Then once more when she graduated to size 2 diapers.  And this week when Amazon.com delivered a stash of Size 3.  Well,  forget it,  I just don't like it.

Watching her smile, giggle and try so hard to get her hand to mouth I realize that she is growing up so very quickly.  Faster than any of her siblings did.  I don't know why because I am sure that time is spinning by at exactly the same rate as when Chase was a newborn, but somehow the weeks are flying by.

So today,  instead of being sad about each milestone,  each increased diaper size,  I will celebrate it.
These things are worth celebrating --not being sad over. 

she looks skeptical, but I am certain she is 2 months old (actually nearly 3 months now)

Naomi is wearing a sticker on her onesie-- I have one for each of the first 12 months.

Find them here

Just wanted to share more spring beauty from April's garden.

More later about this very special rosebush.

"He has made everything beautiful in His time" Eccl 3:11

first day/last day. with 178 in between

They hate it,  but i LOVE it !!
the forced smiles,  the too close for comfort posing.
It seems to be a tradition to photograph my kids on the first and last day of school.  Last year,  I documented their school year with a before and after shot of their school shoes.   This year I'll get their precious faces.

First day of school August 30, 2010

fresh, shiny and new.

Last day of school  June 8, 2011 and lots of bed head.

(Juliet and Naomi were still asleep, thank goodness!)

I'm thankful and tearful today that a chapter has closed,  that the kids will move forward,  that we can celebrate a year of emotional lows and highs as a family.

Summer 2011.

Bring it.

Really. Thank you God,  for bringing it.

captured the moment

I received many precious keepsake gifts following the death of our unborn baby last spring.   One of those gifts was a charm from our friend Jamie.   I am sentimental and perhaps at times search for poignant moments, so you can imagine how my heart felt when I glanced down at Naomi while she was nursing and I noticed this:

Her tiny, chubby hand was gripping the necklace I was wearing round my neck.  I had to quickly grab my phone and angle it just right to snap this pic. 

Down on my knees thankful for these moments.

--if you'd like to buy this charm, find it here--

We Do, God Helping Us.

Mother's Day this year was a myriad of emotion and experience.

I was awaken at 5:15 by our sweet Naomi.  I suppose she was eager to get this special day started.  For that day she was to be baptized into the covenant.

On my mind at that early hour was Mother's Day 2010 , last year.    Oh,  how uneasy I was heading to God's house that beautiful spring Sunday.  Conflicted because I had much to be grateful for after all,  I was a mother 4 times over,  but grieving the still baby I had delivered 3 weeks prior.   It was the first Mother's Day I experienced with a heavenly baby.   How clearly I remember telling myself not to be so upset,  to be logical.

Don't let Mother's Day get to you,  I told myself... it's just a Hallmark holiday anyway. 

I survived that day, even got a few photos of it.   When last year's Mother's Day was through, I prayed that the next year,  my heart would have some healing and I could testify to God's work in my life.  

That was my prayer.  

In fact I even wrote about it here. 

God,  as He promises to do,  answered that prayer and I was given the opportunity on Mother's Day to share during the worship service.  Speaking honestly about the pain and joy our last year has seen,   how God is always good and His blessing is not based on my deserving or perception. 

I'm forever grateful for the chance to stand there,  with my husband and newborn daughter at my side,  and proclaim-- To God Alone be the Glory!  Thank you for bringing us this far!!

It was just one of those days where I realized how amazing this life can be.  How,  through the loss of April,  God can use me,  how He opened my eyes and heart to so much.  How it is only the beginning.

Well, like I mentioned at the start of this post.  Mother's Day was also Baptism day for Naomi.  I was determined to keep a calm attitude despite my nerves and the chaos of getting everyone out of the house.   Unlike any given Sunday,  I did NOT want the drive to church to be one of kids fighting,  me grumbling under my breath about how Dan waited so long to brush his teeth and surely that is why we were late.   Rather, I hoped for smooth and methodical Sunday morning preparation and did my best to facilitate that.   You would think I would do this everyday of my life,  but no.  Chaos generally reigns.

Thankfully,  everyone (including myself) was well behaved and we had a joyous time celebrating  with family and friends.

Naomi in the baptism dress worn by me, my sis Stacey, Joy, and Juliet

love, love, love the history in that gown!

First, 

do you confess Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, accept the promises of God, and affirm the truth of the Christian faith which is proclaimed in the Bible and confessed in this church of Christ?

Second, 

do you believe that your children, though sinful by nature, are received by God in Christ as members of his covenant, and therefore ought to be baptized?

Third, 

do you promise, in reliance on the Holy Spirit and with the help of the Christian community, to do all in your power to instruct these children in the Christian faith and to lead them by your example into the life of Christian discipleship?

We do, God helping us.

Prayers for a Precious One

I'd like to ask those who follow this blog

(some of you I know, some I am quite certain I do not know)

to

please

pray

for an unborn baby.

The precious baby of dear friends.

click the bird button above to learn more of Baby Bird's story and how you can jointhe warriors of prayer as we wait in hope for the life of this baby.
Thank you so very much. 


If you would like to add this "pray for baby bird" button to your blog, copy and paste the code that you see here in my right sidebar.

one last hurrah. (a long lost blog post!)

This post was written pre-Naomi :)  I just discovered it in my blog drafts and for the sake of memory keeping,  thought I would still post it.

in the beginning of  March, we packed up the mini-van and mozied down to Schaumburg, Illinois to visit LegoLand Discovery Center.

Dan and I promoted it to the kids as one last family trip before the baby comes.    We would stay in a hotel,   eat at restaurants,  and swim in the pool!   They could hardly wait until the Friday we would leave.  The closer the weekend came,   the sicker and rounder I was becoming.    All hopped up on nasal spray and Zantac,  I soldiered through the rather close quarters of LegoLand and slithered into a swimsuit for a dip in the hotel pool.  

Fun family times were had by all.   I'd have to say my one of my favorite parts of the weekend was Thai food delivered to our hotel room!      There is nothing more fun that eating on a bed with 6 people watching Spongebob Squarepants...   or is there ? ? ?

A few pix from the experience...

 are we having fun yet?

 very typical

 

I was not allowed on the rides. 

Joy thought this was about the funniest thing she had ever seen!