It's a Gal !!

Psalm 71:14 

But as for me, I will always have hope; 

I will praise you more and more.

Normally I have long winded posts 

detailing my feelings that accompany this journey God has me on,  but not tonight.

Tonight,  I marvel.

Tonight,  I am extremely grateful.  Thankfulness beyond 

what mere words can even express.

Tonight,  hope wins.  

days without incident

As mentioned in my previous post,  it is only October and the kids have little tolerance for each other during the morning rush to the bus.    I was watching an episode of the Middle awhile back and noticed one of those Days Without Injury signs.   I suppose this is some type of motivator for safety in the workplace.    At my house it is a motivator for tranquility.   The goal number and subsequent reward is yet to be determined...

I noticed as I was making it that they will eventually use this sign against me.  They will argue that they only have to peacefully co-exist in the morning and the remainder of the day can be a fighting free-for-all!   A whole day incident free?   It is baby steps over here, folks!

Barbies and Legos in MY shower...

and other things that annoy me now,  but someday I will miss...

As i stepped into my shower the other morning and nearly punctured my foot on a StarWars action figure I thought to myself~~  "Arghhhhh!   these kids!!!!"  (or perhaps something not as nice as that)

• Snack wrappers under the sheets in our bed

• Grubby hand prints on every light switch, window and door knob.  

• That one toilet in the house that is always used... but rarely flushed. 

• The remains of a sucker stick that is permanently fixed to the seat in the van

• Backpacks half zipped up with food  and important papers falling out everywhere.

• And it is worth mentioning again...their toys in every nook and cranny of this house! 

• the literal bouncing off the walls

• oh my.  the fighting and teasing and pestering.

At times I get really frustrated with how I can never keep up with their messes,  their laundry,  the schedules and their overall needs.   Those are the days I would be mortified to have someone "drop in" to say hello.    I never imagined  my life with this many children,  and rarely feel that I do this job well.    Especially when I realize that the reason they are like this is perhaps  we have failed to properly teach them how to be decent.


It is in those moments that i require a new perspective.   We have 4 (almost 5) kids that have been gifted to us.  They are amazing unique creatures God loves and knows.   They are a perfect blend of Dan and I and we have such an amazing job to do.    So,  instead of my dramatic displays of dissatisfaction,  today  I will marvel in my children.  

• the bedtime conversations had by the boys,  and the fact that they can't sleep without the other in the room.

• Juliet singing Jesus Loves Me in her bed, in the car, in the corner where she always does her "duty"

• The way Joy expresses herself through notes, card making, and drawings. 

• How they freely speak about a sister in heaven.

• The two moments in every school day that I adore:   When they step foot on the bus.  Everyday I am genuinely thankful  we survived the 45 minute ridiculousness that is the morning routine.   Also,  when they step foot off the bus.  They are so happy to be home again,  I am thankful to have them safely back to me.  

• How the big 3 adore Juliet.

Messes,  artwork and even clogged toilets.  These are just some of the things over the last 11 years that have made our house... a home.   For this short period of time I will just have to  watch my step in the shower and see my kids through the eyes of grace.  These minor annoyances will someday be fond memories. 

October 15...6 months

Today is worldwide  Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.   To tell you the truth,  last October I had no idea such a day existed.  This year,  6 months to the day our lives were touched by pregnancy loss we honor April by participating in the Wave of Light.

www.october15th.com

I am often asked how our kids have understood,  or felt about the loss of a baby they never saw,  and never got the chance to know.    I would say that as painful as it was for Dan and I,  the kids have not had to feel the intensity of grief.   I thank the Lord for this.    We decided and were encouraged early on to be honest with our children about what had happened and to never close the conversation on April's existence.    Following the loss, I wanted to be strong and solid for them as a mother,   I was afraid my tears and emotional spirals would frighten them.   I knew the first day home that it was not business as usual.   I learned that hiding my emotions and pretending that everything was A.O.K was not going to benefit them as much as showing them the realness of sorrow,   and at the same time point their thoughts and hopes to the ONE who promises to restore our joy.  

Looking back,   knowing that she was a girl,  naming her and referring to her as their sister has been immensely healing for all of us.
It did not come naturally though.    I was hesitant to know her gender,   name her,  and accept all the momentos that the hospital staff so lovingly provided.    All of these things made her life as it was,  too real.   At that point all I wanted to do was forget the agony of the loss.   A name,  momentos,  it only reminded me of a life that was never meant to be on this earth.   It was simply too devastating.

But what was this teaching our children?    Dan and I wanted, if anything for our kids to learn and grow through this experience.   NOT to be left scared and confused with unanswered questions.    In the months that followed each one of our kids in their own unique way as worked through their feelings.    Joy loves to see the teeny, tiny baby gown and April's plaster footprints.   Drew talks often about the memorial at the cemetery and requests to go back there (perhaps it is only to chase squirrels).  Chase is intentional about including her when he talks about his "brothers and sisters".    All three of them have expressed sadness about not being able to have her as a sister yet a curiosity about seeing her again someday.

I guess that is all I can hope for.  That they have learned a life lesson--THE life lesson-- through this loss.   The lessons that feelings are meant to be felt and communicated when needed,   that life does include deep disappointment,  and most of all that God's promises are true-- they can trust Him when things don't make sense-- He is the road to restoration and salvation!

the T-shirt.

There is a T-shirt of mine hanging in the back corner of our closet.

It is one of my faves.  I would have worn it all summer except for one thing...

I don't like to look at it.

So, you can see that wearing the shirt would force me to look at it and force me to think about the last 3 times I wore it.   Yes,  I am that odd.  I can remember the last three times I wore said T-shirt.

Well, even though you didn't ask,  may I tell you about the last 3 times I wore the T-shirt that I don't like to think about,  but like so much.

1. Back in March at a doctor's appointment when Dan and I heard April's heartbeat for the last time.

2. On Spring Break 2010 when we were in Florida having a marvelous time with our kids and our dear friends.

3.  On April 13 in the Dr.'s office and subsequent ultrasound that confirmed our baby had passed away.

I remember burying that thing in the closet as far as it could go.   You might think I would just get rid of it altogether,  but I haven't.   I had the grand idea of bringing it out into the daylight and wearing it  the day I would tell Dan that I was pregnant again.   I wimped out.   It's a good thing too,  because he said he wouldn't have remembered what I was wearing that dreadful day.   It is interesting how we both have individual things that we remember about that day.

My memory is strong and quirky and easily triggered.   Sometimes this is an asset,  other times I wish I could forget little details like T-shirts,  songs,  smells,  dates,  places,  things people have said.  

A T-shirt seems like such a non-issue,  but it is representative of a greater struggle.  

Trying not to push memories and feelings too far in the back corner of my mind's closet because they are too painful.   Trying to be brave and wear with joy the T-shirt (and perhaps this baby bump) without fear.

 only 25 weeks to go!  oh my, that is so many weeks!

my heart divided

When I was still in the hospital last April 15,  I completely exhaustedly cried to Dan,  "I feel like the only thing that will ever take away this pain is becoming pregnant again"  and having the 5th child that we dreamed of.   If I could be pregnant by April's due date,   wouldn't that be even better?!" 

Desperate thoughts and prayers of a mother who wanted to catch up to where I thought I would be.  Feelings of a mommy who would always feel that someone is missing.

Fast forward 5 months and my desperate plea became truth.   Being pregnant again has brought about joy, hope and happiness,  but not exactly in the way I thought it would  when I spoke those words in the delivery room last spring.    

I tend to keep the grief of April's death separate from the hope of the new life growing within.    Being pregnant again does not bring April back.  I did not get to pick up where I left off at 17 weeks.  I am starting over and frankly,  that has been difficult.     It sometimes feels like in order to keep April's life and that pregnancy remembered I need to keep her loss and this new life on two separate sides of my heart.   I have been reluctant to let this new pregnancy assist in joy's restoration.   I have seen how this new pregnancy brings joy and delight to those around me.  It somewhat fills the void for them.   For us,  the void will always exist.

Recently,  after I passed April's due date I began to think that maybe I should let the two lives intersect.  Open up my mind to the fact that this new baby can be a part of what God is giving me to heal the pain of April's death.   I know that this baby will will not replace her,  but allowing myself to really grab hold of this pregnancy sometimes feels like it pushes her significance to the side, or eventually to the far, far background of our memories. 

my heart divided.

above the bridge

This summer Dan and Chase and Grandpa Hopkins ventured to Canada on Chase's first fishing trip.
I am not sure how long ago this tradition started,  but perhaps on and off for about 20 years.

I will admit Dan and I have a track record of procrastination.   Included to waiting until the last second to get Chase a passport.    The border patrol? laws have changed since my pops and brother went to Canada back in the day.   Let's just say we were impatiently waiting at the mailbox in the days before the trip.

Chase did get his passport card... 2 days after he left.   As it turns out,  only his birth certificate was needed for this type of cross country adventure.  I was so glad.  I had visions of Chase sitting in some corner room somewhere with no snacks,  waiting for me to come pick him up at the border while the rest of the fishing gang went on!

Isn't that just like God?

I have something amazing to marvel at...

My due date for this pregnancy (March 28) is near or about precisely the date back in March of this year that our April passed away.

Isn't that just like God?

Let me say this...   God's ways are not our ways,  and I am not claiming to neatly tie up what still He wills for me-- but I sure love to ponder the significance certain dates have had for me during my child bearing years.   3 babies (Drew, Juliet & April) born/delivered on the same date.   Joy born on my own 28th birthday.   I would like to give Chase a birthday buddy to  and have  baby #6 born on his birthday (March 18), but perhaps that's getting a little nutz!

I am finding joy in this new life and in the significance of my new due date.    Sometimes it is the simple things like this that are such a gifts!

Tell me...
do you have a cool story such as this?  I would love to hear it!

a new hope.

This is my first and hopefully last pregnancy after a loss.

Realistically speaking,   gone is the giddy glee  (is that redundant?) of being pregger.    Gone are the days of just knowing that after the 40ish weeks of headaches,  fatigue, hormonal chaos and weight gain will be a living,  breathing blessing of a babe.      I have joined millions of women who anxiously count the weeks with cautious optimism.      Our last experience has convoluted my mind about the normal outcome of pregnancy.

This pregnancy didn't start out that way though.   Back in July in the oh, so nasty dirty grocery store bathroom  I saw that blue line turn into a plus sign!    I intentionally  looked up into the mirror and noticed something on my face I had not seen in awhile. 

Hope.   

In that moment,  and it was brief,  I felt the wonder and delight of knowing that a new life was forming within.   I didn't think about heart defects, stillbirth and grief.   I thought about the future.  I thought about things like holding this rainbow baby,   I felt joy.  Perhaps I should have stayed in that bathroom longer.

I wish I could say that from there to here I have been confident and free of worry.   The truth is the worry started to set in as I passed through the grocery store sliding doors.    It increased as I drove back to the cottage.   Panic rose as I sat through blood tests and ultrasounds.    The pain of losing April in the second trimester is still so fresh.   There are times my heart is consumed with fear at the possibility of going through that again.

I have to challenge what I feel with questions such as...  "Is fear really what God desires for me?"   and  "Do I glorify Him while constantly worrying?"

The answers are no,   and I don't.    

...and the nagging thought..."Is all this worry a display of ingratitude or ultimately,  sin in my life?"    

So these days  I try to balance the fear and the hope.   Some days hope far outweighs.  Other days fear and its cruel perpetrator seem to get the upper hand.    I understand this to be normal,   but I want to be back in the grocery store bathroom.

I want to look in the mirror and see that unadulterated hope in my face once more. 
 

I believe this will be,  

but feeling today that I'm traveling a  new  long and winding road...   

 and I am riding down it in grief's company car. 

Flashback Friday

Ask any mother you know.

She remembers the date(s) that her baby is/was due.

She remembers if they came early or late or for a few of us-- right on the money.

It is a day you count down to from the moment the stick turns positive.    

It is the day you observe in agony when your baby passed away far too soon.   

Today I have finally reached my due date for our 5th baby.
Today I think on all of them.

Chase D...   due March 25,  born March 18, 2000

Andrew J.D...  due April 25,  born April 15, 2002

Joy E...   due March 10,  born March 1, 2004

Juliet L...  due April 15,   born April 15, 2008

April...  due September 17,   born asleep April 15, 2010

.

.

.

.

.

.

.
.
.
.
.
.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Baby Dieleman #6  due March 28, 2011 

With hope and trusting through our fears, 

we pray that we will receive the gift
of a
healthy baby,
full of life.  

  Not to us, O LORD, not to us
       but to your name be the glory,
       because of your love and faithfulness. 

Psalm 115:1

a long time coming.

Nine months,  or 40 weeks.  However you want to count it,  pregnancy is a slow process.

So is living out a phantom pregnancy as I have been doing for the last 5 months. 

Tomorrow, I have finally reached the end.  It seems significant, if only for my own heart.

My feelings are mixed to say the least.  Since the moment I knew I lost April I yearned for this due date to come... I wanted it to be over with.  Why?  Because I wanted the future to arrive at my doorstep as a expedited special delivery.   I would open that package in and in it I would find healing and wholeness again.   You might say that I was wishing my life away.    It makes sense, right?   If time heals, and God is faithful why wouldn't I want to be months farther along in my life?

Honestly,  now that I've reached this due date the package at my doorstep is a big box of grief.    When I really let myself think about how this very night I could have been holding my living, healthy daughter my heart finds a new place to break.    The difference between now and last spring is-- I let my heart break a little when it needs to because I know that God's amazing love will fill the cracks.  I have learned this time and again over the long summer season that I wished so badly to skip through.  

I guess that is what the last 23 weeks have been about.  I had to live out this pregnancy each-and-every-minute-of-everyday-of-it to learn the things I have and to feel the pain I have-- and ultimately to experience first hand how true God's promises are!  

I am weepy and weary tonight,  but tomorrow is a new day!

John 16:20-22

²⁰I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. ²¹A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. ²²So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.

the wheels on the bus...

go round and round.   (you know you just sang that! )

The second day of school brought to the end of our driveway-- a school bus!!!

For the last 5 years I have carpooled the kids to school.  It had its ups and downs.

This fall we had anticipated a newborn in the house and I had successfully lobbied Dan for our school's bus service so I wouldn't have to lug 5 kids out the door every morning.   Out of the pure love and graciousness in his heart,  he first gave me the go ahead on the bus when I was pregnant with April.    Out of a even larger and more generous heart,   the bus plan remained intact even though there is no newborn to care for this fall. 

It is a gift that keeps on giving every single day and I am deeply grateful.   
Here's a few pix from the first week o' school,  now that it is in the history books.

waiting... waiting...waiting...

yes!  it's finally here!








 

coming home much dirtier,  germier,  and smellier than when they left.

and of course,  I can't forget about this rascal....

What? It's not about me?

I've been so ticked at myself lately.

So many things I have desired to do in my process of healing after the loss of April,  in April.

I remember scouring the internet,  asking others for resources to help me through the pain of pregnancy loss and stillbirth.    I have these materials.   They sit in my nightstand,  just ready to be read and learned from.

I am ticked because there they sit.   My predisposition to procrastination lives on even in my time of grief.   You would think I would have done everything possible so far to move past the pain of loss,   yet I have not.

So in the midst of being annoyed at myself again,  for being me.   I took a step back to look at why I might not be doing these things I think will be so beneficial.

Oh, that's right.   I have 4 kids.   They were home all.summer.long.    They are needy, fun, beings that depended on me for meals, fun, and attention.  

I have family, church and friend obligations.   Generally those things do not fade away during times of sadness--even when, at times I could barely bring myself to participate.

Ultimately,  I am realizing that me, myself, and I am not solely responsible for my healing.

 God is. 

The way, shape, and form of the healing that He provides is not for me to determine.   My job is just to trust Him and go to Him.   Yes,  the books,  blogs and studies I have in my nightstand can be tools-- but God is the One who will do the work.

Certainly, He has.   In ways I prayed for,  in ways I never expected.   Still the road continues.
It makes me glad to know that I don't have to heal myself or be surprised by joy.   I thank you Lord,  for bringing me to this place!

Philippians 1:6 (Contemporary English Version)

God is the one who began this good work in you, 

and I am certain 

that he won't stop before it is complete 

on the day that Christ Jesus returns.

   

Flashback(s) Friday

family photos never before published here @ Mini-Van Mega-Fun!

 church pic 2000

church pic 2004

fam pic 2002

 

Also,  from deep in the archives...
a few of Dan and my engagement pix.

Observe the carefully planned coordinating outfits and perfectly set curls. 
Notice the awkward posing.   Very 1996.

Love is in the air!

country bumpkins go to the museum

 I realized this week that summer vacation is swiftly coming to an end.  Our kids begin school before Labor Day  (DON'T get me started on that)  so i felt the need to pack in all kinds of summer goodness into 3 weeks. 

You see,  i spent a fair amount of the summer grieving our 5th baby,  our unexpected pregnancy loss.    I had resolved early in the summer break to try my best to balance grief and life with my 4 kids.   And so we have outings.    A couple weeks ago it was Krispy Kreme and Toys R Us  (fairly harmless) and Tuesday we went to the Public Museum in good ol' downtown  G-rap.

About 5 minutes in I realized that they would be my tour guide,   and not the reverse.    I had planned on taking a rather organized (as much as I am capable) stroll through the exhibits reading to them the detailed explanations and teaching them the history of our city and state.    They had other intentions.

They zig zagged through the Old streets,   and ran back out to the doll exhibit so the girls could have a tea party.    They said that the furniture exhibit was "boring"  but found great delight in the interactive Amway exhibit.   It almost made me want to buy and sell Amway prods.  :)

After a few free rides on the carousel,   we crossed the Grand River and much to my kids delight they sipped on sodas from a local eatery.   It was a beautifully hot day and I enjoyed watching them explore more than just our backyard and basement.    Makes me a little sad that I didn't start these outings sooner than August.

Byron Days!

I know,  what is a Byron Day?   much less multiple days of Byron?

Well,  let me explain.   Our dear friends live waaayy over in Byron Center.   For many a year they have told us about about the parade,  the fireworks,  the fun.  This year they invited us to join them. 

After a well deserved teasing about having never introduced our children to the joys of the hometown parade we sat curbside and eagerly accepted all the candy,  political propaganda and business plugs that were given us.   

the fellas

the gals

After lunch (which is no easy feat with 8 kids)  and naps for some we meandered downtown to the park so the kids could experience all the bouncy fun 6 tickets would allow.  

No,  the fun does not stop there.    Back home to the Dykstras for burgers and conversation while the kids ripsticked,  track balled,  and just had fun running in and out of the house.  

The night ended with a spectacular fireworks show enjoyed by all but Juliet and Joy as evidenced by this  photo--

 Look closely at the girls trying to hide from the fireworks. 

Joy was afraid she might get one in her eye!

Thank you Dykstras for inviting us and putting up with us all day long.   I would say we are now your permanent Byron Days companions.